The SSBB Talk Show
by celticskyedancer
Summary: When Master Hand decides to host a talk show to interview the Brawlers, he hires Roy and the other Melee rejects to host the show. Warning: Random insanity ensues. Current character: Meta Knight.
1. Marth

Super Smash Bros. Talk Show

_Author's note: Okay, this is not in any way to be serious like my other Super Smash Bros. fanfic. This is purely humor – plain humor. If you are looking for action with a decent plot, don't read this. It has no plot whatsoever. None. If you are looking for a good laugh, read this. This reads like a script. In order to avoid confusion dialogue is normal, and actions or anything not dialogue is within parentheses. Anything in asterisks include sighs, coughs, and anything muttered under one's breath. Also, I will be taking suggestions for anything to happen. Anything can happen in this story. I'm serious; it has no plot whatsoever. _

_Warning: Contains excessive violence, mild language, unproper grammar, large words, character bashing, and angry girlfriends. Faint-hearted Roy fans should not read this – it contains a _**lot**_ of Roy-bashing, Roy-insulting, and generally anything bad happens to Roy. No, I do not hate Roy; I just think it's fun to bash him now and again. I do make fun of other characters too._

**Disclaimer: Celticskyedancer definitely owns Super Smash Bros…. OW!**

**Master Hand: No you don't, you're just some nobody we hired to write a decent introduction for Roy because he obviously lacks the intelligence to write his own.**

**Celticskyedancer: Oh, OK. I don't own Super Smash Bros. Nope. I know you all knew that. (receives angry glares from Master Hand. Yes I know he doesn't have eyes and is just a hand, but it seems like he's glaring angrily at me.) I'll shut up now. Promise.**

Part One: Marth

Roy: Welcome to the Super Smash Bros. Talk Show; I'm your host – Roy of Pherae. Perhaps you remember me from my brief appearance in Melee. It was perhaps the greatest time of my life. I was so thrilled that they were making Brawl. Then I got cut. Thrown out like a bag of trash. Nintendo felt sorry for me though so they hired me and all the other rejects to host this talk show.

Master Hand (MH): "Me and all the other rejects?"

Roy: What do you want me to call them? We're rejects!

MH: You don't say "me and all the other rejects."

Roy: I'm sorry you find it insulting.

MH: It's bad grammar!

Roy: What?

MH: It's not "me and all the other rejects"; it's "all the other rejects and me." You never say "me and."

Roy: I don't care about proper grammar.

MH: You have an introduction written by celticskyedancer. Read it!

Roy: I am reading it!

MH: No, you're not. I read your script; you are making this off the top of your head. We hired a professional writer for a reason.

Roy: Technically she's not a professional, she only an amateur fanfic author. And I am reading her script.

MH: No, you're arguing with me.

Roy: Maybe this argument is part of the script.

MH: Now that's an insane thought. Now get back to your job, Reject.

Roy: Why you little…Anyways, all the other rejects and _me. _(glares at Master Hand.)

MH: Very good.

Roy: (continues to glare)…are working on this show. Operating as our electrical battery…producer, Pichu. (all the lights go out).

Young Link (YL): Pichu fainted from using his electric attacks.

Roy: Just plug him into a battery to recharge. He'll be fine. (lights come back on.) Operating four cameras with only his mind – that is so cool – Mewtwo. (cameras turn towards Mewtwo for a second, then turn back to Roy.) Dr. Mario is our stage producer, and my man, Young Link, is the guy in the audience. Now you may be wondering why I'm working for Nintendo when they clearly think that I suck. Well, I'm not the type of guy who holds grudges. I'm not mad that Nintendo fired me. I am definitely not here just to find some way to embarrass my friends on public television. No, I am so not that type of person.

MH: I'm sure everyone believes you.

Roy: They sure do.

MH: (whispers over to Crazy Hand) Does he not get sarcasm?

Crazy: MuSt GeT cAnDy

MH: (to himself) Why did Nintendo have to hire my deranged brother?

Roy: Our first guest is the Prince of Altea, my ex-best friend, Marth Lowell.

Marth: (walks onstage amid cheers.) Hey Roy, what's up?

Roy: Oh not much seeing as I never heard from you. I am your "best" friend, and you never wrote me once. Not even a "Hi Roy, how ya doing?" or "I'm sorry you got kicked out of Brawl." I bet you rejoiced when I left.

Marth: I put in several good words for you, but Nintendo replied with an adamant "No." When I asked why, they said it was for "confidential" reasons.

Roy: That's probably the Japanese way of saying that I suck.

Marth: …So what's this about embarrassing us on public television?

Roy: I said I wasn't going to do that.

Marth: right.

Roy: See, you believe me.

MH: He doesn't get sarcasm

Marth: I noticed. He never did.

Roy: What's sarcasm?

Marth: You don't need to know.

Roy: Is that the Japanese for "You suck, Roy"?

Marth:…Japanese? Roy, you're an idiot.

Roy: Why thank you…Hey! I am not idiot!

Marth: Yes, you are.

Roy: Well you're vain.

Marth: You're immature.

Roy: You're egotistical.

Marth: You're a dumbass.

Roy: You're…vain.

Marth: Vain?

Roy: Yes, vain. It means that you…

Marth: I know what it means. Roy, you can't double-use insults.

Roy: I didn't double-use vain. But you are vain.

Marth: You can't triple-use insults either. (Roy begins to open his mouth.) You can't quadruple-use them either.

Roy: I have a small vocabulary, okay?

Marth: Obviously, moron. Try using a thesaurus.

Roy: I don't need a thesaurus, whatever the hell that is; I have a Mewtwo. Hey Mewtwo, I need a good insult to throw back at Marth.

Mewtwo: Usually I wouldn't share my vast stores of knowledge with suck low-life as you, but since you are asking for an insult…

Roy: Enough big words, just give me an insult!

Mewtwo: Narcissistic

Roy: That sounds cool. Marth, you're narcissistic.

Marth: What? I am not!

Roy: Ooh, that must really be a good insult. Hey Mewtwo, what does narcissistic mean?

Mewtwo: It means you're in love with yourself.

Roy: But wouldn't that make me narcissistic? I mean, I love myself.

Mewtwo: Not like that. It's not that you love yourself; you're _in_ love with yourself. (sees Roy's blank face.) *sigh* You have a girlfriend, right?

Roy: Yep! Lilina. She's in the audience. (A girl with deep blue hair and eyes in a red and white dress and a red cap stands up.) I love you, Lilina! (she blushes.)

Mewtwo: Well, saying that Marth is narcissistic means that he loves himself like you love Lilina.

Roy: Oh…(actually thinks about it.) *epiphany!* Oh! That's sick, but true. Wow Marth, all this time I thought you were gay, but you're just narcissistic.

Marth: I am neither gay nor narcissistic. I do have a fiancée.

Roy: Oh really. Then where is she?

Marth: Right over there. (Points to a girl with blue hair and eyes in a red dress.)

Roy: Wow. Who is she?

Young Link: (Runs over to Marth's fiancée.) Who are you?

Sheeda: I'm Sheeda.

Roy: Wow. She's like an older, hotter version of Lilina.

Lilina: Excuse me? Just what does that mean?

Roy: Oh Lilina…I-I didn't m-mean anything b-by it.

Lilina: You didn't mean anything? You just said she was hotter than me! Do I mean nothing to you? (Elfires Roy.)

Roy: I didn't…

Lilina: You didn't what? You are such a pig, Roy! (Forblazes him.)

Roy: Lilina, don't you think that you're over-reacting? I only said one thing…Okay, so I shouldn't have said it, but…

Lilina: But what? You still would have thought it.

Roy: Come on, Lilina. I still love you. I'm not a narcissistic freak like Marth.

Marth: One, I am not narcissistic; vain, maybe, but not narcissistic. Two, don't pull me into this little spat you and your girlfriend are having.

Lilina: Maybe we should; you're fiancée started this.

Sheeda: How is this my fault? Don't blame me because you're mad at your idiot boyfriend.

Lilina: What did you say about my boyfriend?

Sheeda: He's an idiot.

Lilina: That's it sister, you wanna take this outside?

Sheeda: Why not?

Marth: Ladies, calm down.

Lilina: Stay out of this narcissistic freak.

Sheeda: Don't you dare insult my boyfriend.

Lilina: You insulted my boyfriend.

Sheeda: That's because your boyfriend is a moron.

Lilina: Well your boyfriend is a sissy.

Sheeda: True, but I see it as one of his redeeming qualities.

Marth: What? Not you to, Sheeda. Why does everyone think that I'm sissy?

Roy: Because you are sissy, and you have sarcasm. Which is Japanese for "you suck."

Sheeda: (To Lilina) See, I speak only the truth when I say that your boyfriend is an idiot.

Lilina: *sigh* I know.

Mewtwo: Sarcasm is when you say one thing but mean the exact opposite. It's English.

Roy: Like if I say Marth is manly, but I really mean he's sissy.

Mewtwo: Well, yes, but you have to use the correct tone of voice.

Roy: huh?

Mewtwo: Forget it.

Roy: So Marth, how come you never told me about this _Sheeda._

Sheeda: What?! You never told anyone about me? I thought you loved me.

Marth: I do love you Sheeda, but you have to understand that I have very good reasons for not talking about you.

Sheeda: Like what?

Marth: Like people would start making dirty jokes about you. They did that with Lilina.

Lilina: What?! (to Roy) And you didn't stop them? I can't believe you!

Roy: I had no control over it. I tried to stop.

Lilina: I bet you just didn't care.

Roy: Lilina, don't say things like that. (bell rings) Looks like it's time for our first commercial break. Stay tuned to see who comes on next. Come on Lilina, I'm serious. I had no control over it.

_Author's note: Look forward to more insanity. This story is insanity. In liquid form…just ignore that last comment. Anyways please give me feedback. FYI the next person is Link; so give me some really good ideas how to torture…erm, interview him. Ideas for other characters interviews are also welcome._


	2. Link

_Author's note: Okay, let's see what Roy has in store for our young Hylian hero. Also a brief recap from the past chapter. Basically, Roy is the host of a talk show and while interviewing Marth, learned narcissistic and sarcasm as well as said that Sheeda (Marth's fiancée) was hotter than Lilina (his girlfriend.) Roy can be an idiot at times. And somehow, being from Japan, he doesn't know Japanese. Also, look for running gags, like Roy's double-use of insults. Please send me ideas/suggestions to include in future chapters._

**MH: You seem depressed.**

**Celticskyedancer: I wrote Roy a lovely introduction. I used tons of big words, correct grammar…it was perfect! That little punk didn't even glance at it once.**

**MH: Maybe you should torture him somehow.**

**Celticskyedancer: …I got it! I'll write a Marth x Roy shounen-ai story!**

**Marth: What!? (looks up from having a make-out sessions with Sheeda.) Please don't! I'm innocent! Stop using exclamation points!**

**Roy: You can't do that. We have girlfriends. Marth's engaged.**

**Celticskyedancer: You're lucky because Marth has been so nice to me, Roy. You got lucky this time.**

**Roy: Thanks for saving me Marth.**

**Marth: I didn't save you, I saved myself. Survival of the fittest. A need for self-preservation.**

**Roy: Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cuddling with Lilina to do. I really gotta make up with her.**

**MH: Don't even think about it. You have a job to do, and the commercial break is almost done.**

**Roy: …crap.**

Part Two: Link

Roy: Welcome back to the Super Smash Bros. Talk Show. I'm your host Roy.

MH: We all know that. You've already said that.

Roy: but some people who just turned on the TV don't know who I am and what we're doing here.

Marth: Just get on with the show!

Roy: Fine, Mr. Narcissistic. Please welcome Link.

Link: (comes running up onstage as a wolf. Transforming back into Link, he then unsheathes the Master Sword, spinning above the audience. He lands lightly in front of Roy.)

Audience: Ooh.

Roy: …What on earth was that?

Link: Mario is giving a reward to the person who has the best entrance. They get to be Nintendo's mascot for a full week.

Marth: An entire week? Why didn't anybody tell me about this?

Link: Because you would have lost anyways. (To Roy) Hey Roy, what's up?

Roy: Oh good. I loved not getting any mail from you…hey Mewtwo, is that sarcasm?

Mewtwo: Yes, kind of.

Roy: Awesome! I know what sarcasm is.

Link: Wow, you actually learned something, Roy.

Roy: I learned two things. I learned what sarcasm is, and I learned that Marth is narcissistic.

Link: We all knew that, Roy…since when do you know what narcissistic means?

Roy: (proudly) Since five minutes ago.

Marth: And he's probably quintuple-used it by now.

Link: Come on, Roy. You can't quintuple-use insults. You can't even double-use them. The insult loses its potency.

Roy: But I just learned narcissistic. I have to show off my new word.

Link: If you keep using narcissistic, you're going to kill it. *You already killed superficial, sophomoric, and feckless.*

Roy: I killed those words so you couldn't use them against me.

Marth: Well he thought that one through, I'll give him that.

Roy: (proudly) Yep.

Link: So what exactly is the purpose of this talk show?

Roy: To provide me and the other rejects with employment. I know it's bad grammar Master Hand. I don't care!

MH: You're supposed to be interviewing the characters who actually made it into Brawl. So far all you've done is get in a fight with Marth and your girlfriends.

Link: Oh man, I missed it?

MH: All they did was insult Roy and Marth. Lilina almost broke up with Roy.

Roy: Hey Master Hand, I'm the host of this show.

MH: Then do your job!

Roy: Fine, I will. So how is the Brawl competition?

Marth: It's alright.

Roy: I was talking to Link. It's his time for an interview.

Marth: Then why am I still onstage?

Roy: I need someone to keep me company.

Marth: Then call your girlfriend up here and let me leave.

Roy: Technically I still have to interview you…So Link, how is the Brawl Tournament?

Link: It's going good so far.

Roy: Have you beaten Samus yet?

Link: …no.

Roy: What's the score?

Link: Official matches or total matches?

Roy: Total matches.

Link: …zero to 1,823

Roy: Man do you suck.

Link: At least I made it back to Brawl.

Roy: That really hurts Link, that really…hurts.

Marth: Are you crying?

Roy: I'm just being dramatic.

MH: Well cut it out with the histrionics.

Roy: What are histrionics?

Mewtwo: If you must know…

Marth: Don't tell him! He'll just kill the word.

Mewtwo: Who cares? I happen to think histrionic is a horrendous word. Roy should kill it.

MH: Roy, if you don't start doing your job, I will replace you with Dr. Mario or Young Link.

Roy: Alright, alright. Sheesh. So how are the newbies?

Link: Meta Knight is cool. Pit is awesome; we make an unstoppable duo in team battles. Ike is cool.

Roy: You like my replacement better than me?

Link: Pretty much.

Roy: Left-handed freak!

Marth: Left-handed is not exactly an insult.

Link: Yes, but we all know that Roy sucks at insults; just like he sucks at fighting.

Roy: Hey! Well, excuse me. *sigh* Might as well get on with the interview. Who else is new to the Tournament?

Link: Let's see, there's Olimar and his Pikmin, Wolf, Wario, King Dedede, a Pokémon Trainer known as Red, Lucario, Diddy Kong, and Toon Link.

Marth: And Zero-Suit Samus.

Link: Technically she's not a new character.

Roy: So how is Zero-Suit Samus as a fighter?

Marth: She can still kick Link's ass.

MH: hey, we were trying to keep this K rated.

Roy: Well we screwed that up in the first chapter with Mr. Narcissistic. And I think we used a few cuss words.

MH: We only gave a vague definition of the term. Try to keep the swearing to a minimum.

Roy: I can't make any promises. Well I figured she'd kick Link's…backside. She always does. Say…is it true that they hired non-Nintendo characters?

Marth: Oh, you mean Sonic and Snake? Yeah. They're pretty cool for non-Nintendites.

Link: Nintendites?

Marth: I heard celticskyedancer use that term. I figured it was official.

Link: Celticskyedancer is always making up silly words to describe people and things.

Roy: I think it's catchy. It makes you sound smart and sophisticated.

Link: I think it makes you sound uneducated and ignorant.

MH: I wouldn't insult celticskyedancer. She might write a yaoi fic between you and Pit.

Link: (terrified) She wouldn't.

MH: You never know.

Link: You're joking right? I mean, she's not that evil.

MH: She does like torturing readers with cliffhanger endings to her chapters.

Link: Yeah, but that's not so evil.

Roy: Will you let me do my job?

MH: Calm down Roy. I'm just having an educated discussion with Link. I have so many with you.

Roy: Well I wouldn't call our discussions…hey! That's sarcasm.

MH: Very good Roy. You actually learned something today. Now get on with your job.

Roy: You were preventing me from doing my job! *ugh* So Link, how are things going with Zelda?

Link: Very good.

Roy: Do I hear wedding bells in the future?

Link: Uhm…Well, we kind of already got married.

Roy: What! And I wasn't invited?

Link: Well Zelda wanted a small, quiet wedding, and it would have been too much of a hassle inviting all the Smashers to Hyrule. So we just got married. *We kind of eloped.*

Roy: Don't I matter to you? Aren't I like you adorable younger brother?

Link: Not really. (Roy's face falls.) Cheer up Roy, I was just joking. We just invited people from Hyrule to the wedding.

Roy: So you and Zelda are going to name your son Roy, right?

Link: We haven't even discussed having children yet.

Roy: but you will name you son Roy.

Link: Probably not.

Roy: Aw…hey Marth, you and Sheeda will name your kid Roy, right?

Link: Who's Sheeda?

Roy: Marth's fiancée.

Link:…Oh! Marth, is Sheeda the girl you have like 500 pictures of?

Marth: yes…

Roy: Obessed-much. So are you naming your son Roy or not?

Marth: One, I'm not married yet. Two, when I eventually have a kid, it might be a girl.

Roy: Then name her Roya…or Lilina.

Marth: Trying to get brownie points with your girlfriend?

Lilina: For good reason.

Link: (to Marth) What happened?

Marth: Roy said that Sheeda was hotter than Lilina.

Link: You don't do that.

Marth: It's Roy.

Link: True.

MH: Roy it's time for a commercial break.

Roy: Oh right. See everyone back after these commercial messages.

_A/N: Okay, hope you all enjoy. Please review and send me suggestions for future interviews. Also, tell me what your favorite line is if one just made you die laughing. Hope you enjoy! Also next guest is Ike._


	3. Ike

_A/N: Hope everyone enjoys the story so far. Here's a brief recap. Roy learned narcissistic and sarcasm, and said that Sheeda (Marth's fiancée) was hotter than Lilina (his girlfriend.) We also learned that Link and Zelda got married *or rather eloped.* Link also insulted my invention of the word Nintendite._

**Link: Well it **_**is **_**a stupid word.**

**Celticskyedancer: I'll show you what a Nintendite is! (Marth and Roy restraining her back.)**

**Marth: Calm down; Link is just being stupid.**

**Link: I fear no yaoi because 1) Pit is innocent and 2) You support the ZeLink pairing passionately.**

**Celticskyedancer: You're right. (Gets a malicious glint in her eyes.) But I've thought of something much worse.**

**Link: (Takes a step back.) What are you doing?**

**Celticskyedancer: Oh nothing. (Puts on a Link's Fan Club hat. Opens studio doors.) He's in here!**

**(A barrage of Link fangirls come pouring into the studios. Link screams like a school girl.)**

**Link: Help me!**

**(Roy is hitting on Lilina, trying to make up for the Sheeda comment, and Marth is having a make-out session with Sheeda…again. Celticskyedancer is laughing her ass off. Yeah. I am.)**

**MH: Everybody get this mess cleaned up or you're all going to regret it.**

**Celticskyedancer: You have no power over me.**

**MH: I do in this universe! Now rescue Link!**

**Celticskyedancer: Alright. (Grabs sword.) Well, Three Musketeers, it's time to save the true third member. All for one…**

**Roy and Marth: Not in a million years. (Go off to rescue Link.)**

Part Three: Ike

Roy: Welcome back to the Smash Bros. Talk Show. I'm your…

MH: We've already established this twice.

Roy: What about the people who just turned on their TV?

MH: It's their fault for not turning it on sooner.

Roy: Anyways, please let me introduce *against my own will* the swordsman, Ike.

Ike: (Flips onstage with his large two-handed blade, nearly slicing Marth's head off.)

Marth: Ah!

Ike: Sorry Princess. (Turns to Roy.) So you're Roy? It's nice to finally meet you.

Roy: Yes, it is likewise nice to meet my replacement.

Ike: Boy, you're really sarcastic.

Marth: Not really. He just learned what sarcasm is.

Link: And he'll kill it in about two hours.

MH: I give him twenty minutes.

Roy: Stop betting on me! So Ike, where are you from?

Ike: The country of Crimea, continent of Tellius.

Roy: So are you the prince or…

Ike: I'm not royalty.

Roy: …What? They hired peasants?

Link and Ike: Excuse me? (Both unsheathe their swords.)

Roy: Well if you want a fight, the okay. (Draw the Sword of Seals.) Bring it on peasants!

(They engage in an epic swordfight. Roy catches Ike on fire before getting stabbed multiple times.)

?: Ike you jerk! (A girl with light brown hair and teal eyes rushes on stage with a healing stave.)

Ike: Mist…it wasn't my fault.

Mist: (heals Roy.) Ike, you're such a jerk. You can't beat up people just because they insult you. Learn control.

Ike: I refuse to be treated as an inferior by a reject. Mist, do you really expect me to take this kind of crap from him?

Roy: We're not supposed to cuss peasant.

Marth: Roy…

(Ike raises Ragnell, but Mist stands between him and Roy.)

Mist: Promise me that you won't be so violent, at least while you're on public television.

Ike: I can't make any guarantees. (Mist glares at him.) As long as Mr. Reject keeps his mouth shut with insults, I'll be fine.

Roy: I can't make any guarantees either.

Marth: Just ignore him, Ike. Roy is an idiot. Link, you should know Roy never thinks before he speaks. Besides, he didn't mean that peasant comment as an insult; he's just upset that Ike replaced him.

Link: I don't care; if he wants to make peasant comments like that, I'll just kick his ass anyways.

MH: K-rating!

Mewtwo: You'll just have to give up on them. Low-intelligent people find they have to cuss in order to sound cool and tough. People with true intelligence find much more sophisticated ways of expressing their opinions.

Roy: You tell him Mewtwo!

Marth: Oh fiery genius, he just called us stupid.

Roy: But it didn't sound insulting. Was he using sarcasm?

Link: No, Marth was using sarcasm when he called you a fiery genius.

Roy: Oh…hey! That's mean, Marth.

Marth: It only took you longer than everyone else to realize.

Roy: So what's your claim-to-fame Ike?

Ike: Well, I led my country's army to reclaim our kingdom. Later I also fought against the goddess Ashera and am now just roaming different lands.

Roy: And this peasant replaced me in Brawl?

Ike: (dangerously low) If I remember, I stabbed you four times.

Link: And I got you six.

Ike: You sound so proud.

Link: Just saying that I'm better than you.

Ike: At least I've beaten Samus five times.

Link: Rub it in.

Marth: You left yourself wide open for that, Link.

Mewtwo: I have to agree with the vain one.

Ike: You mean the sissy one? Her Highness?

Roy: _Her_ Highness? That's good. Why didn't I think of it?

Marth: *Because you're an idiot.*

Roy: Hey Marth, did you say something?

Marth: No.

Roy: Okay. So Ike, do you hate Marth?

Ike: No, what gave you that idea?

Roy: Well you like to insult him, and you are a peasant while he's royalty.

Ike: Martha doesn't care that I'm a peasant; and I insult her because it's fun.

Roy: True.

Marth: If you call me a girl one more time, we are going to have problems.

Ike: Bring it one, Princess. (Both draw their swords and engage in an epic swordfight. Marth stumbles back injured.)

?: Marth! (a blue-haired, blue-eyed girl in a white dress rushes onstage.) Are you okay? (She raises her staff and heals Marth.)

Roy: Who are you?

?: I'm Marth's older sister, Ellis.

Roy: I didn't know that you had a sister, Marth.

(A javelin stabs Ike.)

Ike: Ow! Who threw that?

Sheeda: I did! Don't you dare hurt my sissy fiancé.

Marth: …not sissy.

Mist: Ike, are you okay? (Heals him.)

(A girl with emerald green hair and hazel eyes hits Sheeda in the head with a staff before drawing a lightweight sword.)

?: Leave Ike alone.

YL: Excuse me, miss, but can you tell me your name?

?: I am Elincia Ridell Crimea, Queen of Crimea, and Ike's girlfriend.

Roy: What is it with all the peasants in love with royal- OUCH! (Turns angrily to Mewtwo.) What the hell did you do that for?

Mewtwo: Because you obviously lack the intelligence to realize that you are asking for a beating.

MH: This is supposed to be an interview, not a brawl. Hey! Angry princesses in the back, if you want to get into a catfight, take it outside. Otherwise, sit down.

Link: Let me get this straight, Marth and Ike both have blue hair and eyes, both use swords, have sisters that can heal with staffs, and girlfriends who are royal. Are there any other similarities?

YL: They both wear blue tunics and have capes. Why don't you wear a cape?

Roy: I'm supposed to interview the people onstage; you handle the audience. Your younger self is right. Why don't you wear a cape?

Link: Capes are troublesome. They always get caught on things. Look at Ike's cape. It's torn.

YL: Marth's cape is fine.

Roy: Siiiisssssy *cough, cough*

Marth: Care to repeat that?

Roy: Siiss- (stabbed by Marth.) Lili…

Lilina: One, I can't heal. Two, I ain't helping you until you apologize for earlier.

Roy: (gasping) I did. Lilina…I'm…sorry. Help!

Ellis: Marth, you can't just go around stabbing people. (Heals Roy.)

Roy: Thank you, Marth's sister. It's not my fault you wear a tiara.

Ellis: That's my fault.

Roy: What?

Ellis: I gave him my tiara so he would remember me when he was in exile and I was captured. Afterwards, he looked so cute wearing it, I never took it back.

Roy: …Marth's story is true?

Marth: That's part of it. The other part is that I forgot her birthday, and now she guilt-trips me into wearing it to make my life miserable.

Roy: Only weak people give into guilt trips.

Marth: No, Ellis is good at guilt-tripping. You can't say no to her.

Roy: I bet anyone but you could.

Sheeda: You don't understand, Ellis won a guilt-tripping contest before. She can make you hate your guts. I don't think that's possible.

Sheeda: It is for Ellis.

MH: Dr. Mario, will you come interview the Smashers?

Roy: No! I can do it.

MH: Then do it!

Roy: So Ike (bell rings). Looks like it's time for a short commercial break. Don't change that channel. You don't wanna miss this show.

_A/N: Please send in ideas/suggestions for what could happen in future interviews, just try not to make it too disturbing. Also, you can still torture…interact with Marth, Ike, and Link. They won't be going anywhere. Next chapter is Zelda, so send in Zelda ideas. (Try to be decent.)_


	4. Zelda

_A/N: Okay, now onto part four. But first, a quick recap. Roy learned the meaning of sarcasm and narcissistic (he quintuple-used narcissistic on Marth.) He also met Sheeda, Marth's fiancée. (Roy also said that Sheeda was hotter than his girlfriend, Lilina. Lilina still won't forgive him.) Then he interviewed Link (who is evil and insulted my word Nintendite. I set his fangirls on him for that.) Then Roy met his replacement Ike, and ended up getting in a fight because he was a peasant. (Link joined the fight.) Ike and Marth also got in a giant fight because Ike called Marth a girl. They nearly started a fight between their girlfriends.)_

**MH: *sigh* What am I going to do with these imbeciles?**

**Celticskyedancer: Well, I could torture Link and Roy in a fanfic for you.**

**MH: As tempting as that offer is, no. Link has too big of a giant fanbase for you to do so unscathed. Besides, if anyone is going to make Roy's life miserable, it's going to be me.**

**Crazy: WeEe! (spinning crazily through the air before crashing into a wall.)**

**MH: I'd appreciate it if you could do something about my brother. My mother will kill me if I do anything to him.**

**Celticskyedancer: Sorry, but my author's powers don't work on you or Crazy.**

**MH: Dammit. Are you sure?**

**Celticskyedancer: I'm positive. Can I at least dye Link's hair pink?**

**MH: No, but you can dye Marth's hair pink. **

**Celticskyedancer: Marth hasn't really done anything to me yet.**

**Ike: Can I dye Marth's hair pink?**

**MH: Be my guest.**

**Ike: Yes! Oh Marth…**

**Celticskyedancer: So, what are you going to do to Roy?**

**MH: Depends on how he handles the interview with Zelda.**

**Celticskyedancer: Ooh, better go get a seat in the audience for this one.**

**MH: Legend of Zelda fangirls. I seriously don't get them.**

Part Four: Zelda

Roy: And then Zephiel was all like "OMG, you're a half-breed?" and then I was like "F-." Oh! We're back on. Welcome back! Please help me welcome, the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda Harkanian.

Zelda: (Twirls amid the audience in a blue crystal. Fireballs fly across the audience like fireworks. A green wind surrounds her and she vanishes, appearing gracefully next to Link.)

Link: (Hugs her and kisses her on the cheek. Audience "aahs.") Nice entrance, Zel.

Zelda: Thanks. How are you, Roy? Did you get my letter?

Roy: Yes, I did. At least someone appreciates me.

Link: We appreciate you, Roy. You make us seem smarter.

Roy: Why thank you Link, I…hey! That's an insult!

MH: Very good Roy. I think your I.Q. just raised by one.

Roy: I is not an idiot. Am not; Amn't an idiot.

Marth: You aren't exactly helping your cause.

Roy: Shut up! (MH, Marth, Ike and Link are dying laughing.)

Zelda: Isn't this supposed to be an interview?

Roy: We don't get much accomplished…SHUT UP!

Marth: Maybe you were cut because you're an idiot.

Roy: You should have been cut because you're a narcissistic girl – OW! (Glares at Mewtwo.)

Mewtwo: Get on with Zelda's interview unless you want Marth and Master Hand to kill you.

Roy: …fine.

Zelda: (whispers to Link) Roy learned a new word?

Link: He's used it six times as an insult.

Zelda: You can't even double-use insults.

Roy: Stop whispering about me! So Zel, how long have you and Link been married?

Zelda: Five months, didn't Link tell you? *I mean we eloped and all, but…*

Roy: We ran out of time for Link's interview.

Link: Then why am I still onstage?

Roy: We never finished your interview. You'll stay onstage until we finish it.

Link: Then ask me questions!

Roy: It's Zelda's interview.

Link: You're evil.

Roy: I know. So Zelda, how's Hyrule?

Zelda: Pretty good. Now that Ganondorf can vent his rage against Link and me through a battle, he doesn't invade Hyrule…as much.

Link: So me and Zelda get to go on vacation more.

Roy: You can't say "me and Zelda." It's bad grammar. It's "Zelda and me."

Marth: Actually, it's "Zelda and I" in this case.

Roy: Shut up. So would you mind if I came for a visit.

Zelda: Sure. You can bring Lilina too.

Ike: Unless she's still mad at him.

Zelda: Why? What did he do?

Ike: He said that Marth's fiancée was hotter than his girlfriend.

Roy: It was a slip of the tongue! I didn't even mean it.

Zelda: Roy, you don't say stuff like that.

Link: Zel, it's Roy. He doesn't think.

Zelda: True.

Roy: I do think! So Zelda, what is your opinion of the newbs?

Zelda: They're nice, but there's not enough new girls. The only new girl we got was Zero-Suit Samus, and technically she's not new.

Roy: So if you could bring more girls in Brawl, who would you choose?

Zelda: Definitely Midna.

Roy: Who's Midna?

Zelda: She helped Link and I defeat Ganondorf once.

Roy: Is she in the audience?

Zelda: I think so.

Roy: Hey Young Link, interview this Midna.

(Cameras show Young Link making out with Young Zelda in the audience.)

Ike: If that's what the younger Link is getting, then we know what the older Link is getting.

Link: (Turns beat red.) Why you…

YL: Hey, can I have some privacy?

Roy: If I have to do my job, then you have to do your job also. Interview this Midna person.

YL: Fine. Where's this Midna anyways.

Midna: (stands up.) Over here midget.

YL: (runs over to her.) One, I am not a midget, and two…whoa. (Turns to Link.) Why didn't you marry her? She's way hotter than Zelda!

Young Zelda: Excuse me? (Turns into Young Sheik.)

YL: Come on Zel, can we wait until after I interview Midna? (Young Sheik throws a needle at him.) I take that as a no. I'm sorry! (Runs out of the audience, chased by Young Sheik.)

Roy: Looks like I'll have to do the interview. Who are you? How do you Link and Zelda? And what exactly makes you popular?

Midna: I'm Midna, princess of the Twilight Realm. I helped those two pathetic royals defeat Ganondorf and save their kingdom.

Link: You actually didn't do that much.

Midna: Excuse me; if it hadn't been for me…

Link: I did all the work. You barely did anything except complain about how useless I was. Like you were much better. When you tried to face Zant, he nearly killed you. Zelda saved your life. You only killed him in the end because I had weakened him.

Midna: Well, I beg your pardon; the next time you need my help to save your sorry-ass kingdom, don't come crying to me. I won't listen.

Link: We can get stuff done so much faster without your help.

Midna: Yes, seeing as you _are_ so useless.

Zelda: Will you two give it a rest?

Roy: Looks like Link and Midna don't like each other. Back to your original statement. Who else would you include?

Zelda: Well, I hear that Fox's girlfriend is a good fighter and there are a lot of girls in the Sonic games. Maybe they could bring in girls from other games.

Roy: There aren't any Fire Emblem girls?

Link: There's Lyn.

Zelda: Well yes, but she's an assist trophy. We don't get to see her much.

Roy: Is there a reason why you don't interact with the assist trophies?

Zelda: I don't know if there's an exact reason, but they keep to their part of the Mansion, and we keep to ours. It's not like we don't like them, it's just we're different I guess. Lyn's really nice.

Roy: Lyn…You mean Lady Lyndis of Caelin? Hey Lilina, I didn't know your mom was in Brawl.

_(Me: Hector x Lyn forever!)_

Lilina: Yeah, but they got her from some time in the past when she was like fifteen or something.

Roy: Really that's neat. So what's your record Zel?

Zelda: You mean for Brawl or…

Roy: Just your Brawl record.

Zelda: 89 wins and 53 losses. It's pretty average.

Ike: It's better than Link's record.

Link: Shut up; I only really lose to Samus.

Marth: Everyone except you, Pit, and Lucario has beaten Samus. Pit hasn't even faced Samus yet, and Lucario has only had one match with her. Even Young and Toon Link have beaten Samus.

Link: I get the point. I don't know why I lose to Samus. I just have bad karma or something.

Zelda: You do not have bad karma.

Link: Then explain how I can't beat Samus.

Zelda: You just get…unlucky.

Link: I'm pretty sure that it is impossible to be that unlucky without some explanation like bad karma.

Zelda: What did you do to get bad karma?

Link: I don't know…I could have done something in a past life. We've been reincarnated like 50 times.

Roy: Your lives must be pretty repetitive.

Link: I get déjà vu all the time.

Roy: That must suck. Looks like it's time for another commercial break.

_A/N: Next up is Ness._


	5. Ness

_A/N: Hope everyone's enjoying the story so far. Here's the brief recap (for those of you too lazy to read the previous chapter. If you haven't…READ IT.) Yeah, I'll just start recapping one past chapter. Okay, last chapter Roy interviewed Zelda. Nothing much else happened other than Young Sheik chasing Young Link out of the studio because he said Midna was hotter than Zelda. Le gasp._

**Link: So now I'm a retard?**

**Celticskyedancer: You're lucky I don't tie you, dye your hair neon pink, and drop to the bottom of a bottomless abyss.**

**Roy: Is that even possible?**

**Celticskyedancer: I'll make it possible.**

**Link: Only Chuck Norris can drop somebody to the bottom of a bottomless abyss.**

**Celticskyedancer: Okay then, I'll drop you to the bottom of a really deep abyss which has a bottom…or I drop you into a bottomless abyss and you fall for eternity.**

**Link: How 'bout you invent some words that sound educated.**

**Celticskyedancer: How 'bout I skewer you with the Master Sword.**

**Link: Bring it on.**

**(The Master Sword appears in celticskyedancer's hands.)**

**Link: Um…Where did you get that?**

**Celticskyedancer: I have author's powers.**

**Link: Oh crap. (Runs off chased by me.)**

**MH: Somebody go get Link; we're about to go back on. Zelda, you take care of celticskyedancer.**

Part Five: Ness

Roy: You should have seen Zephiel; he was totally wasted. I mean that man was drunk. He could barely stand up, let alone walk.

Lilina: It was hysterical. He was hammered.

MH: Roy, you're back on.

Roy: No seriously, Zephiel was all like…Oh crap! Sorry about that. And we're back. Please help me welcome our next guest, my buddy Ness.

(Several blue balls of energy fly through the air, exploding like fireworks whenever they collide. A green flash fills the room. When everyone can see again, Ness is onstage beside Roy.)

Ness: Hey Roy, how ya' doing? Does it suck to be left out of Brawl? When they told me they were bringing that wussy Lucas in, I was so sure that I would get cut, but I guess Nintendo figured that I didn't suck that much so they brought me back. It must stink to suck so much that Nintendo has to eliminate you. How does it feel to be one of the worst Smashers in history?

Roy: Can it, Ness. My record was better than yours.

Ness: I will not be silent!

Roy: Can it, Ness.

MH: You're supposed to interview him, Roy. He has to talk for that. If you don't interview him, you'll lose this job.

Link: He never got very far with our interviews.

Marth: I think he asked me one question.

Roy: That's why you're still onstage.

Link: Then why does Zelda get to sit in the audience? (Zelda waves to Link.)

Roy: Because I finished her interview pretty much.

Ike: Then finish our interviews.

Roy: I have to interview Ness.

Link: (in a whisper to Ike and Marth) If Roy doesn't interview us, then we'll be stuck onstage forever.

Ike: He's evil.

Marth: He plans to humiliate us on public television.

Link: I say we mutiny.

Marth: That's only on a ship.

Ike: Who cares? We'll mutiny anyways.

MH: What are you doing?

Link: No-nothing.

MH: Whatever you're planning, I want in.

Ike: We're not planning anything.

MH: Then why the low, conspiratorial voices?

Marth: We don't want Roy to hear.

MH: Why not?

Marth:…We're insulting him.

MH: No. If you were insulting him, you'd insult him to his face.

Ike: He's got you there Marth.

MH: So what are you planning?

Link: We're planning mutiny.

MH: Against Roy?

Link: Against Roy.

MH: Oh goodie. How?

Ike: I guess just form a mob and seize control of the show.

Mewtwo: Very primordial. How about something more civilized? Something more sinister?

Link: Where'd you…

Marth: Civil and sinister; I like the sound of that.

Mewtwo: You'll see that the dark side is much more fun.

MH: …Dark side? What are you from, Star Wars?

Mewtwo: Hey! I had a cousin in that movie.

MH: I mean no offense.

Link: So what are we going to do?

Mewtwo: Roy only keeps you onstage so he can humiliate you, right?

Ike: Right.

Mewtwo: So we humiliate him more.

Link: I like the sound of that.

MH: Humiliating Roy would make my day.

Mewtwo: So it's agreed: we do everything in our power to humiliate Roy.

All: Agreed.

Roy: Hey! Quit talking! So Ness, is Brawl fun?

Ness: It's great! The Super Smash makes the games so much more fun. Everyone is good at fighting since they got rid of all the other characters who suck. I didn't think you were so bad, but I guess you obviously suck at fighting so you got dropped. Pranks aren't as fun without you, though.

Marth: There are fewer pranks since Roy left.

Roy: Your life at the Mansion must be dull without me.

Link: Actually it's nicer.

Ike: Maybe Roy was dropped because of all the pranks he pulled.

Link:…Maybe that's it. Young Link and Pichu were his accomplices. They got cut.

Roy: Ness, Kirby, Jigglypuff, the Ice Climbers, and Yoshi also helped. They came back.

Ike: But you were like the leader, right?

Roy: I guess…

Ike: Then that's probably why you were cut.

Roy: It's for "confidential reasons", newb. That could be anything.

Zelda: I think it's because of the pranks.

Roy: People in the audience cannot talk whenever they want to.

Young Link: (Walks up to Zelda, several needles piercing his skin.) So why do you think Roy was fired for his pranks?

Zelda: A lot of people were upset because of his pranks.

Roy: Oh yeah? Name one.

Zelda: Samus.

Roy:…Oh…Well, name one other than her.

Zelda: Pikachu.

Roy: Someone different.

Zelda: Marth.

Roy: Someone else.

Zelda: Master Hand.

Link: I'm pretty sure that Zelda has proven her point.

Roy: She proves nothing.

Ike: What did Roy do to Samus?

Link: he crashed her ship three times.

Ike: …Is he suicidal!? The number one unwritten rule of Brawl is never, under any circumstance, piss off Samus. You guys taught me that on day one.

Marth: R.O.B. wrote down all our unwritten rules.

Link: Oh really? Guess they're written "unwritten" rules now.

Mewtwo: Or just written rules, or just rules.

Link: Or written "unwritten" rules.

Marth: Seems a bit redundant to me.

MH: It is redundant and contradictory.

Ness: Hey Roy!...Yo reject! I have an interview.

Roy: Right, kiddie.

Ness: Do not call me a kiddie.

Roy: Do not call me a reject.

MH: Get on with your job reject!

Roy: I will not take orders from a giant, floating hand. (Lightning falls from the sky and strikes Roy.) However, I will listen to the painful lightning. So Ness, how do you think these "Super Smash" enhance the Brawl Tournament, and don't give me any of that " You suck, Roy" crap. I do not want to hear it. If you even insinuate that I suck, I will make you regret it. Any question?

Ness: Nope. Super Smashes are just so cool! They make the fights much more exciting to watch and participate in.

Link: Roy, I have a question. When did you learn what "insinuate" means?

Roy: Celticskyedancer taught me.

Marth: She does like big words.

Link: She likes making up stupid words.

Ike: I wouldn't insult her.

Link: She won't write a shounen-ai fic between me and Pit.

Roy: Pit and me.

Link: Shut up, Roy. No one cares about grammar. Pit is innocent; he ain't done nothing to earn celticskyendancer's wrath. She won't punish him.

MH: "Ain't done nothing?" That it is very peasanty.

Link: Did you say something, Hand?

MH: That's Master Hand to you, peasant.

Link: Okay, Master Hand. Bring it on. (Draw the Master Sword and charges. The Master Hand floats about Link and lightning crashes down onto Link.) Alright, you win. (Faints.)

MH: Dr. Mario, cleanup on right center stage.

Dr. Mario: (Grumbling.) Can't these people stay uninjured for twenty minutes? For the love of Princess Peach. (Hits Link with a pill. The Hylian wakes up. Dr. Mario turns to face Master Hand.) Anyone else hurt?

MH: Nope, that's it. Thank you very much for your service.

Dr. Mario: Yeah, yeah. (Goes offstage.)

Roy: So Ness, you and Lucas are friends, right?

Ness: I don't know if you could call us friends. I guess we are. He's nice, but…he's such a wussy! I mean I am always saving his ass. (Everyone stares at Ness.)

MH: Great now the ten-year-old cusses. *sigh* This is what you get when you place children alongside young adults in a fighting game. The older ones' bad behavior rubs off on the younger ones.

Ness: I used ass even before I came here.

Roy: This show is supposed to be K-rated.

Ness: I don't think language is the biggest problem. All the violence in here will not bring this rating down.

MH: True. Everyone try to refrain from killing each other. *Yeah, like that will ever happen.*

Roy: So Ness, are you and Sheik still mortal enemies locked forever in a duel of skill?

Ness: Not as much as in Melee. Sheik and Pit fight each other a lot. But yeah, we still fight for dominance.

Roy: I'm rooting for you, Ness.

Ness: It's good to know that you still support me even though you suck.

Roy: I do not suck! Nintendo just hates me.

Ness: Denial. (Oddly enough, Link, Marth, Ike, Master Hand, and Mewtwo all say this line with Ness in unison.)

Zelda: (Laughing) Okay, that way freaky.

Roy: I do not suck!

Ness: Roy, admit it you are a sorry excuse for a swordsman.

Roy: Bring it on, Ness. Bring it on.

(Roy draws the Sword of Seals and the blade catches on fire. Ness grabs his baseball bat; they charge at each other. Roy slices cleanly through the bat.)

Ness: PK Pulse. (The green aura hits Roy and explodes in a blinding brilliance. Ness laughs triumphantly, only to be hit by Roy's full charge. Ness goes flying through the studio roof.

Roy: Do I suck now, Ness? (Turns to face the Master Hand, who is with Crazy Hand making it look like he's cracking his knuckles.) Oh…Master Hand. It was just an act of rage. It won't happen again.

MH: I'll make sure it won't.

YL: (Motions for Mewtwo to direct the cameras towards him. He gets nervous seeing four cameras staring menacingly at him.) Um…W-we'll b-be back after a short break.

(Somewhere in Paris, a flaming boy crashes into the French President. The Frenchmen throw their hands into the air and shot "We surrender!"

_A/N:Man Ness can be insensitive. And he knows _way_ too much for a ten-year-old. (I'm not exactly sure how old he is. Let's say ten.) No Frenchmen were harmed in the making of this story. Also, I mean no offense to Frenchmen. Hope everyone enjoys the story. Pit is next._


	6. Pit

_A/N: Okay brief recap: Last chapter Roy interviewed Ness. Ness went on and on about how Roy must suck really badly because he did not return to Brawl. In the end, an enraged Roy full-charge attacks Ness, sending him flying to France. He's still there._

_Okay; this is seriously the best chapter so far; I promise._

**Link: Get the Nintendite word a rest. I think it's stupid, but you don't have to continually hold a grudge.**

**Celticskyedancer: I think I do. Technically we still haven't finished this issue. Master Hand always interferes.**

**Link: Fine (draws the Master Sword.) Then let's finish this right now.**

**Celticskyedancer: Agreed. (Draws Alondite then steals Ragnell from Ike.)**

**Ike: Hey.**

**Link: (Charges at Celticskyedancer who parries and counterattacks in an amazing display of grace and agility. *sigh. If only I were that good in real life.*)**

**Ike: Holy crap…It's Altina…She's Altina?**

**Zelda: Who's Altina?**

**Ike: Some ancient hero who wielded both Alondite and Ragnell alongside the goddess Ashera a millennium ago or something like that.**

**Zelda: So a girl used two giant swords at the same time when you can only use one?**

**Ike: You know when you put it like that…**

**Roy: It makes you sound like you suck!**

**Ike: Just remember that I replaced you in Brawl.**

**Marth: Why are those two (indicating Link and celticskyedancer) so troublesome?**

**Zelda: Don't ask me. Link won't keep his mouth shut sometimes.**

**Marth: He's better than Roy.**

**Zelda: True.**

**Roy: I don't get why she just doesn't dye Link's hair pink.**

**Ike: Speaking of that…Hey Marth.**

**Marth: No. (Runs off beings chased by Ike.)**

**MH: We're on in five.**

Part Six: Pit

Roy: Let me introduce the next guest, Pit.

Marth: *He means next victim.*

Link: *Pit doesn't know what he's getting himself into.*

Ike: *He is very naïve.*

(Pit flies down from sky, shooting arrows in all directions. The arrows change direction, their trails of light creating pictures in the sky – like the Mona Lisa and others. He lands on the stage.)

Roy: (to Marth, Link, and Ike.) Enough will the whispers. So Pit, how do you like Brawl?

Pit: It's amazing! I'm like already one of the most popular characters, and everyone's helping me improve. Link and Ike are such great friends.

Roy: Did they ever mention me?

Pit: A little bit. Samus mentioned you once or twice in passing.

Roy: Really?

Pit: She said she was glad you were gone, and that her ship would finally be safe…and then Toon Link and I sorta'…crashed it.

Roy: Let me guess, she tried to kill you.

Pit: (sheepishly) Yeah kinda'.

Roy: I know exactly where you're coming from. I crashed her ship three times.

Pit: (in awe) And you're still alive?

Roy: Obviously. I almost died three times, but Marth and Link stepped into save my life. Link knows how to calm Samus.

Link: Only because I've known her for so long. She has a painfully short temper.

Pit: Yeah. I found out the hard way.

Ike: Yeah, but thanks to you, I learned not to piss Samus off.

Pit: (glares at Ike) Thanks for making me feel better.

Roy: So Pit, you seem to be one who enjoys a good prank, am I right?

Pit: I enjoy pranks, but I'm not really good at doing them by myself.

Roy: How would you like to learn for the master?

Ike, Marth & Link: (all expecting Roy to treat Pit with no mercy.) What!? (They begin flailing their arms and running their fingers across their throat, indicating that Pit should say no, but he is completely oblivious to them.)

Pit: Thanks. I'd love to. I hear your pranks were good.

Roy: (Proudly) Oh, they were. And soon, you'll be as good as me.

Pit: (Hopefully) Maybe I'll surpass you.

Roy: No. So Pit, what do you do for a living?

Pit: I'm the captain of Palutena's army.

Roy: Really? Who's Palutena? Is she like a princess or…

Pit: She's a goddess.

Roy: Oh high-roller. Nice. So is she like a mean goddess or…

Pit: No, she's a nice goddess.

Roy: Do you work for other goddesses?

Pit: (Shrugs) Occasionally. Mostly Palutena.

Roy: Is she hot?

Link: Don't you have a girlfriend?

Roy: Of course. (Waves to Lilina who is glaring at him.) I was asking if Pit though she was hot.

Pit: Well she's old enough to be my mother.

Roy: Well that's awkward.

Pit: Yeah.

Roy: So…got a favorite color?

MH: What does that have to do with Brawl?

Roy: He's a new character! The fans need to know more about him.

Pit: I dunno. I guess it's green. (A/N: Actually, it's probably white, but Pit seems like the type of guy who likes green.)

Roy: That's cool. Mine's red. Let's see…Link's is green. Marth like blue, I guess Ike does too *not intending to rhyme.* Zelda likes pink and Sheik likes blue…how do you put up with each other?

Zelda: Excuse me?

Roy: How do you and Sheik put up with each other? The two of you are like total opposites.

Zelda: I'm the girly girl and Sheik's the tomboy. We're the same person anyways. We just represent the different parts of ourselves. Like two sides of a coin. Same thing; different aspects.

Roy: That makes absolutely no sense, but okay.

MH: I don't believe it. No major brawls and a decent interview. I guess Crazy and I beat some sense into him.

Lin: Pit, don't listen to Roy. He'll lead you down the Dark Side.

Marth: *I thought we were the dark side with Mewtwo.*

Ike: Shut up.

Roy: Pay no attention to them. They want to lead you down the part of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the part that rocks! Now I've got two reasons why you should join me. One – Marth is narcissistic and gay.

Marth: Why you little…(Link and Ike hold a furious Marth back.)

Pit: Well, that is a good reason.

Roy: And two – look what I can do. (Draws his blade and it catches on fire.)

Pit: Your first reason was very convincing, but what does a fiery sword have to do with whose side I should join?

Link: Roy does have a point. (Ike slaps Link upside the head, but in the process Marth is able to break free. He draws Falchion and stabs Roy.)

MH: *sigh* I just had to open my big mouth. Dr. Mario! (no answer) Dr. Mario, stop making out with Nurse Peach and get out here now!

Dr. Mario: What? (sees Roy.) Oh for the love of Nurse Peach. (Cures Roy with a pill.) You'll receive my bill via mail.

MH: We'll talk about money later.

(Marth spontaneously combusts into flames.)

Ellis: Oh no, Marth! (Heals him. Whirls to face Lilina.) How dare you burn my brother!

Lilina: Your brother tried to kill my boyf- (Ducks as Sheeda's lance flies over her, striking a beautiful young woman with light brown hair and teal eyes in a pink dress. Said woman dies.) Hey!

Sheeda: You witch! If you so much as cast a simple spell on my sissy fiancé again, I swear I will kill you.

Marth: Not sissy!

Ellis: Face it Marth, you are a sissy.

Lilina: Oh yeah? (to Sheeda.)

Ike: Ladies, please stop it.

Sheeda: Stay out of this peasant freak! (Gets whacked in the head with a staff.)

Elincia: Ike's one hundred times the man your sissy fiancé will ever be.

Sheeda: Take that back.

Elincia: No.

Link: Hey young me, you're the audience guy. Stop them!

(Shows Young Link (still hurt) making out with a Young Midna. (Don't ask me where she came from.) An angry Young Sheik storms into the audience.)

Young Sheik: You! (Points at Young Link and Young Midna.)

YL: Uh-oh. Sorry big me, your problem now. (Runs off.)

Link: *Sigh* (Goes into the audience.) Listen ladies, I know you are very overprotective of your boyfriends, but… (Lilina pushes him out of the way.)

Zelda: Oh no you didn't. (Din's fires Lilina before transforming into Sheik.)

MH: Attention angry girlfriends, fiancée, and wife. Take your brawl outside to the streets or sit down and be quiet. (Lilina, Sheik, Sheeda, and Elinica head outside.) Ellis and Mist, you'd better stand by to heal wounds…hmmm. This could be very interesting actually. Mewtwo set a camera outside. Can't believe I'm saying this: Crazy you'll be the street announcer.

Crazy: YeS! pRoMoTiOn!

MH: …What terror have I unleashed on an unsuspecting world? Roy, stop moaning like a sissy Marth and get on with Pit's interview.

Roy: Well excuse me; you were not just mortally stabbed.

MH: You have nearly died several times already. And yet you seem to have learned nothing.

Roy: What was I supposed to learn? I know that Link, Marth, and Ike want me dead.

MH: And why do they want you dead.

Roy: Well idk.

MH: No text talk. Who was the idiot that taught Roy text talk in the first place.

Marth: I think it was Ness.

MH: Of course. Let's see how Crazy's doing with his job.

Crazy: (Crazy, maniacal laughter) ThE fIgHtInG oUt HeRe Is InTeNsE. tHeSe ChIcKs ArE aT iT wItH eVeRyThInG.

(Camera zooms into the four girls who are kicking, punching, clawing, biting, and slapping with unbridled fury. Elincia whacks Lilina in the head with a staff; Sheik punches Sheeda in the face then kicks Elincia in the gut. Lilina foreblazes Sheik and Sheeda. Sheeda uses her lance like a staff to strike Elincia and Lilina. Sheik transforms back into Zelda and Nayru's loves all three girls, sending them flying in different directions. Camera moves to show Ellis and Mist leaning against a wall, sipping mocha lattés.

Ellis: We should probably heal them.

Mist: Yeah. Hey Ike, if you're watching this, Geoffrey is trying is trying to steal your woman again. (Camera shows a knight with light blue hair in light green armor helping Elincia to her feet.)

Ike: That son of a branded! (Draws Ragnell.) No offense Soren.

Soren: (Young mage with black hair in a low ponytail, dark robes, red eyes, and a strange mark on his forehead.) None taken.

Ike: (Rushes outside.) Get your hands off my woman, Geoffrey!

(Mewtwo brings the camera in.)

Roy: Aw! I wanted to see the fight.

Mewtwo: Trust me on this, you don't want to.

(A cry of agony can be heard outside. Ike walks in content, Elincia clinging to his arm.)

Link: Ike, did you kick his ass?

(A shrill scream splits the air.)

Ruto: Link, my only love. My one and only true love. I can't believe I found you. You left so fast; I was so heartbroken, but now I found you! Now we can return to the Zora's domain and be married. I've been waiting for this forever.

Link: Oh crap! (Runs offstage screaming like a little schoolgirl. Ruto is hot on his heels.)

Zelda: Get your hands off my husband, fishy slut!

Ruto: _Your husband?_ (Glares at Link.) How dare you get married when we were promised to be wed.

Link: I was ten; I _lied._ (Ruto slaps Link across the face then storms off.)

Zelda: Are you alright Link?

Link: Give me a minute.

(A scream from the audience catches everyone's attention. Young Ruto is clinging to Young Link.)

YL: HELP ME! (Flailing his arms.)

(Young Zelda and Young Midna were in a giant catfight, but upon hearing Young Link's cry of terror, they stop their fight.)

Young Zelda: Truce on the fish girl?

Young Midna: Truce on the fish girl. (Both begin attacking Young Ruto.)

Roy: (Suddenly stares off into space.)

MH: Roy? ...Are you okay?

Roy: (In awe.) I just had an epiphany.

(The whole world seems to stop. OMG the end of the world.)

Marth: You had a – what?

Roy: (Speaking distantly.) I had an epiphany. A revelation. A sudden understanding of the world around me. Call it what you will, but I suddenly understand what no one else notices,

Pit: (To Ike) What is he talking about?

Ike: How the hell should I know?

Marth: Roy…What the hell is wrong with you? Did my death blow affect you that much?

Roy: It is not pain. Hey Link, you are just like Young Link, right?

Link: Well duh. Young Link is me!

Roy: But you both like the same things, right?

Link: Yes, we both like green and Princess Zelda. Did it really take you this long to…

Roy: But Young Link likes Midna more than Zelda, so that means…

(There is about five minutes of awkward silence. At least five minutes.)

Zelda: Despite the fact that comment came from Roy's mouth, it actually makes a lot of sense. (Pins Link to the ground.) WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH MIDNA BEHIND MY BACK!

Link: Nothing!

Midna: I haven't even talked to your husband since he broke up with me months ago.

Link: I broke up with you? You broke up with me when you broke the Mirror of Twilight and couldn't return to Hyrule. Technically you left before we could even start a relationship. I fell in love with Zelda afterwards.

Midna: I said I'd see you later, dumbass. That means I had another way of coming back. Think!

Roy: Ooh, this is good.

YL: I got the answer to all your problems. (Shows Young Link with Young Zelda on his left and Young Midna on his right.) Polygamy!

Link: …What?!

Zelda: What?!

Midna: What?!

Ruto: What!? Oh, Link if you do take multiple wives, then I'd be your head wife. I'd have to share you, but…

Link: I'm not practicing polygamy! Zelda is my one and only wife, and I'm happy that way.

Ruto: *sniffs disdainfully* Fine, then we'll just have to get you legally divorced. (Begins dragging Link offstage.)

Link: HELP ME!

Zelda: Truce on fish slut?

Midna: Truce on fish slut. (They proceed to beat up Ruto.)

Zelda: *Sigh* It seems there's only one way to solve these problems.

Link: …Dr. Phil?

Zelda: Dr. Phil.

Link: I'm still scarred from the last time we did his show.

Zelda: We have two options. We go to the professional, or we stay here and Roy…

Link: (Grabs Zelda dn Midn'as wrists.) Come on, I'm sure Phil will be thrilled to see us again.

Roy: Hey! You can't just leave.

YL: Just be a polygamist.

Link: Polygamy is morally wrong and…how many girls do you have now?

YL: Good question. Let's see…Zelda, Midna, Saria, Ruto, Nabooru (Link gives a WTF sputter), Malon, Ilia, and Marin. Eight right now.

Link: Alright mini me, you're coming with us.

YL: Fine. Alright ladies, let's leave. (All the Zelda characters exit.)

Roy: …WTF? Link's a pimp.

MH: What did I say about text–

Ike: It's better than actually saying it out.

MH: Alright.

Roy: I can use text talk.

MH: Occasionally. If you continually use it, you will kill it.

Ike: *snicker* I bet I can name more smilies than you.

Roy: You're on. Starting…now! Colon capital D. :D

Ike: Colon capital o :O

MH: What have I begun?

Roy: Okay, time for a commercial break. Colon number sign :#

_A/N: This is seriously one of my favorite chapters. Pit joins Roy's side, there's a giant catfight and Roy's revelation. I hope everyone enjoys the story. PLEASE REVIEW. I am open to any suggestions, as long as they're not too disturbing. Also, next chapter is Captain Falcon._


	7. Captain Falcon

_A/N: Here's the summary for all the people too lazy to read last chapter. In Part Six, Roy interviewed Pit. Everyone expected Roy to hate Pit because he was in Brawl; they expected Roy to be really mean and attack Pit. However, Roy actually liked Pit because they had a lot in common. (They both crashed Samus' ship and had to face her wrath.) Roy invited Pit to join him on the Dark Side (which is actually the Light Side because Mewtwo's team is the Dark Side.) Pit accepted Roy's offer despite Ike, Marth, and Link fervently trying to get him to say know. There are now two teams – Marth's team and Roy's team. Also, Sheeda, Elincia (Ike's girlfriend), Lilina, and Zelda all got in a giant brawl because of something they did to another's boyfriend. Seeing that Young Link like Young Midna, Roy has an epiphany, temporarily halting the world. (He has his moments.) He reasons that since Young Link likes Midna more than Zelda, Link must like Midna more than Zelda. (Young Link = Link) This actually makes a lot of sense. After much arguments (and Midna and Zelda teaming up to take care of Ruto), all the Zelda characters decide to go to Dr. Phil's to solve their problems…again. (Don't ask me why they went a first time.) Young Link also began a polygamy sect with all the Young Zelda girls. (Yes I know this is long, but I'm done now.)_

**Celticskyedancer: Wow Pit, you're really good at Speed.**

**Pit: Thanks.**

**Ike: Semicolon capital D ;D**

**Roy: Semicolon capital O ;O**

**Ike: Semicolon zero ;0**

**Roy: Colon zero :0**

**Celticskyedancer: They know a lot of smileys.**

**Pit: Yeah.**

**MH: We're on in five.**

Part Seven: Captain Falcon

Roy: Eight capital D 8D

Ike: Eight capital P 8P

Roy: Eight number sign 8#

Ike: Eight capital x :X

Roy: X can't be used as a mouth.

Ike: Sure it can; like in "my lips are sealed."

Roy: Oh…eight, zero 80

Ike: Eight closed parenthesis. 8)

Roy: Semi-

MH: If you don't get back to your job, I will personally whack all the smileys out of you.

Roy: (to Ike.) Is that even possible? *capital X, capital D XD.*

Ike: You don't want to find out *Colon capital X :X.*

Roy: Our next guest is racing legend and renown bounty hunter, Captain Falcon. *capital x, zero. X0*

Ike: Colon, shift period. :

Roy: Shift period?

Ike: The sideways v.

Roy: Oh yeah.

(A blue car zooms across stage. Captain Falcon back flips out of his car before it crashes into the wall in a fiery explosion. He comes flying down, Falcon Punching the ground. A giant shockwave shakes the studio.)

Roy: So Captain Falcon, how has life been for you. *Capital X, Capital O XO*

Ike: Capital X, number sign. X#

CF: Are you spelling out smileys?

Roy: Just something me and Ike are doing. *Capital X, capital P*

Ike: Capital X, closed parenthesis. X)

Marth: It's "Ike and I."

Roy: No, it's "Ike and me." *semicolon closed parenthesis :)*

Marth: No, you don't say "me am doing something." You say, "I am doing something." When you are doing something with another person…

Roy: This is talk show, not a grammar class, princess. *capital t, period, capital t T.T*

Ike: Hey, that's copyrighted. Only I can call Marth a girl. *capital t, underscore, capital t T_T*

Roy: Freedom of speech. *capital T, lowercase o, capital T. ToT

Ike: Freedom to run you through with a sword. *capital T, comma, capital T*

Pit: Those aren't smileys; they're sad. They're saddies!

Roy: You know what…

MH: The next guy who even mentions the word smiley will lose something very dear to him.

Roy: You'll kill our girlfriends?

Ike: Actually I think he means…(whispers something in Roy's ear.)

Roy: (Eyes get really wide.) OH MY GOD! (Trembles.) We'll stop now.

MH: Good.

Roy: Oh, by the way Ike: just try to run me through with a sword, peasant.

(Roy and Ike engage in a swordfight. Ike elbows Roy in the gut before running him through with a sword.)

Mist: Ike!

Ike: He asked for it.

Mist: Control yourself.

Ike: He challenged me. I accepted his challenge. It was a fair fight.

Mist: It doesn't matter. (Heals Roy.) I'm tired of cleaning up your messes.

Ike: You could've just left him there.

Mist: Then my conscience would have plagued me.

Marth: Relax. Roy gets stabbed all the time. It's his own damn fault.

Roy: Not my fault.

Marth: If you'd learn to keep your mouth shut, you wouldn't get in half the situations you do.

Roy: I will not be silenced!

MH: I'll silence you if you don't get on with your job. (Lightning flashes in the background.)

Roy: (meekly) I'll interview Captain Falcon now.

MH: Good choice.

Roy: So how has your life been going, Captain Falcon?

CF: Fairly well. I have almost gotten Samus to admit her undying love for me.

Marth: Delusional.

CF: You have no clue what you're talking about, pretty boy.

Marth: I know that Samus hates you.

Roy: Don't you have a real girlfriend?

CF: There used to be many girls for the Falconator, but now Samus is the only one for me.

Marth: Obsessed-much.

Roy: So, Captain Falcon, how many times have you kicked Marth's ass?

CF: Twenty times since Brawl began. Samus was impressed.

Roy: …right. Marth you suck!

Marth: But I'm the one who returned to Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

Ike: He's got you there.

Pit: You did leave yourself wide open for that Roy.

Roy: Pit, are you on my side or their side?

Marth and Ike: Say our side.

Pit: Sorry guys, but I have lots of pranks to learn from Roy.

Marth: No! I had to put up with an entire year of Roy's pranks; I am not going through the rest of this tournament with Pit's pranks.

Roy: You guys lose. Pit has joined me on…the Dark Side.

Marth: *If we're the Dark Side with Mewtwo…"

Ike: *Shut up.*

CF: Are we like picking sidews or something?

Marth: It's hard to explain.

CF: I'm on Roy's side.

Marth: I though you hated Roy after he blew up your car.

CF: Well, that was a long…(Turns to face Roy.) That was you? You blew up my glorious racecar? Falcon Punch! (Roy gets hit, bursts into flames, and is projected through the brick wall of the studio into the brick wall of the neighboring building.)

Audience: Ooh! (Everyone winces in pain.)

Lilina: You bastard! Elfire! (Attacks Captain Falcon.)

CF: Hey, what gives?

Lilina: Don't you ever hurt my boyfriend again. Ever.

CF: Oh…so you're Lilina. *snicker.*

Lilina: What? What about me? Hey, sissy guy…

Marth: The name's Marth.

Lilina: Marth, do you know what's so funny?

Marth: …Yes.

Lilina: WHAT?

Marth: …After Roy told everyone about you, Captain Falcon was the one who started making up the …er…dirty Lilina jokes?

Lilina: (Turns bright red.) What? Roy is that true.

Roy: *groan*

Pit: I don't think he's going to be able to answer you.

Lilina: (Glares at Captain Falcon) Why you little %#*!

Pit: … o_o Wow. I had no idea Lilina could cuss like that.

CF: Hey! Help me! (On fire.) Help!

MH: EVERYONE STOP! (Dead silence engulfs the room as Master Hand's outburst reverberates through the room.) This is a Talk Show, not a brawl.

Roy: It's a talk show about a brawl. (Gets zapped by lightning.)

MH: Will everyone please control themselves? This is not the place to settle your disputes. Go to Dr. Phil or Jerry Springer for that. Hey Lilina, sit down.

Lilina: He insulted my honor.

MH: Deal with it. Honestly, you and your boyfriend cause way too much trouble.

Roy: Can you blame us? We're both pyromaniacs.

Marth: Well then we need some hydromaniacs to balance you.

Ike: Is hydromaniac even a word?

Roy: I don't think it is. So, Captain Falcon, how goes your training for the F Zero Grand Prix?

CF: Fabulous. I'm set to win it again for the sixth time in a row.

Roy: That's great news. Do you miss me?

CF: Not really. Samus isn't as pissy when you're not around.

Roy: Well that makes me feel better.

MH: You're not here to feel better; you're here because you are unemployed.

Roy: You know what, Hand?

MH: That's Master Hand to you. What?

Roy: I'm sick of your attitude.

MH: Well I'm sick of your stupidity. What are you going to do about it?

Roy: Something that should have been done a long time ago. (Raises the Sword of Seals.) Die Master Hand! (A torrential downpour of lightning crashes into Roy.)

Lilina: Roy! (Elfires Master Hand. Or at least she tries to. She misses.)

MH: Roy, interview Captain Falcon. Now.

Roy: (Fearfully.) Yes sir. So, what's your impression of the newbies?

CF: Zero-suit Samus is one hot, sexy thing.

Marth: Okay, really obsessed-much.

Roy: What about the newbies?

CF: None are as important as Samus.

Marth: Really obsessed-much.

CF: But if you must know, Olimar is a good friend. His Pikmin are very helpful. Meta Knight has a neat ship.

Roy: Oh really?

Marth: No.

Roy: (innocently.) No what?

Marth: I know what you're thinking. Don't.

Roy: I wasn't thinking of anything.

MH: (To himself.) Ain't that true.

Marth: You want to hijack Meta Knight's ship and crash it.

Roy: (feigns being offended.) Marth, I'm disappointed. I do not want to crash Meta Knight's ship.

Marth: But you want to steal his ship, take it for a joy ride, and in the process, you'll end up crashing it.

Roy: I will not. I got a driver's license.

Marth: Flying a ship is different from driving a car. Besides, you had your license taken away for running red lights and stop signs, speeding, drunk driving, and road rage.

Roy: (proudly) Yep.

Ike: That's not a good thing.

Roy: Huh?

Pit: Beam me up Palutena, there's no intelligent life down here.

Mewtwo: Ain't that the truth.

Roy: You got a problem, Pit?

Pit: Huh? No.

Roy: Oh yeah? You got a problem with my intelligence?

Pit: Not really…

Roy: Oh yeah? (Gets stabbed by Pit. Everyone looks at the angel.)

Pit: What? He was in my face. Self-defense. (Ducks as Lilina hurls fireball after fireball at him.) Hey!

Lilina: That's no reason to stab my boyfriend.

MH: I thought you were still mad at him.

Lilina: I am, but I still love him.

Roy: Thank you Lilina; now somebody heal me!

Dr. Mario: I'm a-coming, I'm a-coming.

Roy: Thank you. Hey Captain Falcon, do you have any new rivals?

CF: Just Marth.

Roy: Is there someone you enjoy fighting with?

CF: Olimar, Lucario, and Meta Knight.

Ike: What about me and Snake?

Roy: Snake and me?

Ike: Shut up.

CF: Ike, you're cool, but I hate Snake.

Marth: I would have thought you and Snake would have gotten along beautifully.

CF: That bastard's trying to steal Samus from me!

MH: Yo, Captain Falcon, K rating. No cussing.

Roy: Someone else is trying to hit on Samus?

Ike: Snake tries and Samus rejects him, but she doesn't kill him. I think deep down she may like him too.

CF: She likes me.

Marth: De-nial. (Oddly enough, Roy, Ike, Pit, Mewtwo, and Master Hand say this line in unison.)

Marth: Samus hates you.

(The doors of the studio fly open and Young Link marches in, followed by his eight girls who are all vying for his attention. He has a smug smile on his face. The older Midna waltzes in behind him.)

Roy: Oh you're back. How'd it go?

Midna: Zelda fainted halfway through the show so she's at the hospital with Link. They'll be back eventually. Young Link and his polygamy sect got kicked out because he refused to cooperate. I think he was driving Dr. Phil nuts.

CF: (To Ike and Marth.) Who's the sexy babe with the blue skin and red hair?

Ike: She's Midna. She likes Link, but Link is married to Zelda.

CF: Oh…wait. When did Link and Zelda get married?

Marth: Sometime five months ago.

CF: Why weren't we invited?

Ike: Because they eloped. I didn't really know them that good anyways back then.

CF: Link and I are tight yo.

MH: Don't even try to speak like that.

CF: You're no fun.

Marth: He's not supposed to be fun.

CF: Says who, pretty boy?

Marth: Says me!

CF: That's it pretty boy! Falcon Punch! (Attacks Marth. Gets impaled by a javelin.)

Sheeda: Leave my sissy fiancé alone.

CF: (Gets healed by Dr. Mario.) Marth, you're getting married?

Marth: So?

CF: Who's your fiancée?

Sheeda: I'm Sheeda.

Marth: (to Captain Falcon.) If you tell one dirty Sheeda joke, I will kill you.

CF: Like you could, pretty boy. They get in a giant fight.)

Roy: I think now's a good time for a commercial break. (Turns to Master Hand in fear.) Don't kill me! I'm not responsible for their fight.

_A/N: Another chapter of random insanity. I wonder what happened to Zelda. (Give you a hint, it rhymes with maybe.) Anyways, I believe some of my wittiest lines are in this chapter. Poor Roy. Anyways hope everyone enjoys this story. Next chapter is Ganondorf._


	8. Ganondorf

_A/N: Here's the summary for __Part Seven (Captain Falcon) – Falcon joins Roy's team because he can't stand Marth. Some of my wittiest lines are in this chapter, I think. Master Hand also threatened to take away something very dear to any guy who even mentions the word "smiley." (I'll give you a hint: it's not their girlfriends.) The Zelda characters return (sans Zelda and Link.) Captain Falcon finally meets Marth's fiancée, but Marth and him get in a fight before Captain Falcon can make any dirty jokes about her._

**Celticskyedancer: I hope Zelda and Link are okay…no wait, just Zelda.**

**Pit: Why do you hate Link so much?**

**Celticskyedancer: He thinks Nintendite is a stupid word.**

**Pit: Well I think it's a cute word.**

**Ike: Did Pit just say cute?**

**Pit: Yeah, why?**

**Ike: Only girls can say cute like that? Real men don't use the term cute.**

**Pit: Well I'm only a young teenager, so…**

**Ike: Doesn't matter. We can't have you saying cute like that, or at all. See, Roy's a bad influence on you.**

**Roy: I never taught him to say cute like that. Besides, you're just jealous because Pit is on my team! You just wish you were the Dark Side.**

**Marth: Actually, we're the Dark Side because we called it first.**

**Roy: Since when?**

**Marth: Since Ness' interview.**

**Ike: Just shut up, you'll just confuse everyone. We'll take the Light Side.**

**Mewtwo: Hell no, we won't.**

**Roy: We can't both be the Dark Side.**

**Ike: Fine, we'll settle this the old-fashioned way. An extreme game of rock, paper, scissors – best two out of three. **

**MH: Everyone onstage, NOW!**

**Roy: Right…after the break.**

Part Eight: Ganondorf

Roy: Before we introduce the next guest, I think Link and Zelda have a big announcement.

(Camera shows Link and Zelda cuddling in the front row.)

Link: We're gonna have a baby!

Marth: Congratulations.

Ike: That's great.

Roy: Make sure you name him Roy. Introducing our next guest, Ganondorf.

Link: And now my happy day is ruined.

(Lights go dark and dark fire flies all over the room, most of it attacking Link. Lights come back on.)

Ganondorf: Is it true that Link and Zelda are going to have a baby?

Zelda: (Hesitantly) …yes.

Ganondorf: (Falls on his knees.) Please make me the godfather! I'm like the closest person to you two.

Link: NO! You'll corrupt our child. You already corrupted Young Link.

Ganondorf: I beg your pardon?

Link: Who else would teach Young Link about polygamy other than the King of two hundred or something woman?

Zelda: Maybe you should just settle down with Nabooru.

Nabooru: WE ARE NOT AN ITEM! We only went on one date because you paid us five hundred rupees each.

Link: Worth every rupee.

Nabooru: Hey mini me, stop cuddling with Young Link. He'll just end up with Zelda in the end.

(Young Nabooru dead legs Young Link and storms off to her older self.)

Roy: Man, Young Link is such a pimp.

Marth: You're one to talk.

Roy: What?

Marth: You can get paired with Lilina, Sophia, Sue, Thany, Lalum, Cecilia, and possibly Idoun, Guinevere, Fir, Ellen, or Clarine depending on what some fans think.

Lilina: What? Cecilia's like twice as old as you at least.

Roy: Where do people come up with these pairings? I love _Lilina_.

Lilina: Thank you, Roy.

Link: Who is Cecilia?

Roy: She taught Lilina how to use magic and me how to use a sword. She's like my mom.

MH: Interview Ganondorf.

Roy: You know what, Master Hand? (Lightning flashes.) That is a good idea. So Ganondorf, how do you like the newbies?

Ganondorf: They're alright. Most were pretty weak.

Roy: Did more villains arrive?

Ganondorf: Well yes. I suppose that was nice.

Roy: Are you up to your usual tricks?

Ganondorf: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Roy: Well we don't want that.

Marth: Yes we do.

Roy: That's mean, narcissistic freak!

(Somewhere in the universe where words live, narcissistic was just minding his own business when he suddenly fall down, has a brutally painful heart attack, and dies.)

Link: Great. He killed it.

Ganondorf: Roy, how many words are you going to kill?

Roy: I've only killed four words so far. And I'll ask the questions here. Do you think you'll win the tournament?

Ganondorf: As long as Samus fights Link first, my victory is almost guaranteed.

Roy: But Mario is undefeated.

Link: Nope. Sonic beat him.

Roy: You're kidding? Someone finally bested Mario.

Link: We all celebrated. Well, Mario and Peach didn't, but the rest of us did. Sonic is awesome.

Roy: I'm glad you think so. I can't wait 'til I interview him. Hey Ganny, can I call you Ganny?

Ganondorf: Only if you want to die.

Roy: …Right…So Ganondorf, ever met Zephiel?

MH: That has nothing to do with Brawl.

Roy: So? I want to know.

Ganondorf: No. I've never met this Zephiel you always talk about. He does seem like he's my type though.

Roy: So you wanna date him? (Smirks.)

Ganondorf: You misunderstood me half-breed!

Ike: How exactly are you a half-breed?

Roy: My mom was a dragon.

Ike: He's just like you, Soren.

Soren: No. I'm the exact opposite. He's dumb; I'm smart.

Roy: Who are you?

YL: It's my job to interview the audience! Who are you?

Soren: Soren. Ike's best friend and tactician.

YL: How are you a half-breed?

Soren: My mother is a dragon princess of Goldoa. Technically I'm a branded. Half-breeds are laguz.

Roy: Laguz?

YL: I have audience! Yeah…What are laguz?

Soren: Shapeshifters. There are beast, bird and dragon laguz.

Roy: So I'm a dragon laguz?

Soren: No. You're a branded.

Roy: So you and me are branded buddies.

MH: "You and I." Grammar, gods.

Soren: I refuse to associate with you. We are not alike.

Roy: Yeah, we are.

Soren: What was your mother like?

Roy: Well, I never knew her, but my dad said that she was nice, quiet, beautiful, and an amazing dancer. I didn't get the dancing gene.

Lilina: Ain't that the truth.

Soren: We are nothing alike.

Roy: Why? What's your mother like?

Soren: She's an alcoholic.

Ike: Soren, that's a terrible thing to say about your mother.

Soren: What? It's true! I asked her why she married Ashnard, and she said it was a long story involving tequila and drinking games.

Ike: That's disturbing.

Soren: You find it disturbing? What about me? Do you know what it's like to find out you're an accident as well as a Branded? It's traumatizing.

Ike: But technically you are the rightful king of Daein.

?: No he isn't. I am not giving up the Daein throne for anyone. (A girl with silver hair and amber eyes stands up.)

Soren: I don't want to be king, Micaiah. Daein is your problem now.

Micaiah: Thank you. (Sits back down.)

Roy: …Okay. That was random. Hey Ganny, I mean Ganondorf, what's your favorite color?

Ganondorf: Black.

Roy: Really? Not brown or purple?

Ganondorf: Brown's okay, but I hate purple.

Roy: But your magic is purple.

Ganondorf: I have no control over my magic's color. You can't control magic's color.

Lilina: Sadly that's true. Otherwise my magic would be hot pink.

Roy: Hot pink?

Lilina: Yeah. Hot pink is awesome.

Roy: Hey Zel, what color would your magic be?

Zelda: I'd say pink, but Sheik would say blue.

Roy: Are you two always arguing?

Zelda: No, not really. We're different, but we get along just fine.

Roy: Whatever you say.

Young Ruto: What happened to the older me?

Midna: We sold her to an aquarium.

Roy: Say what?

Midna: We convinced a marine biologist that she was a rare species of aquatic humanoid and sold her to an aquarium.

Young Ruto: How dare you sell the older me! (Begins attacking Midna.)

Young Midna: Don't you attack the older me. (Gets in a fight with Young Ruto.)

YL: Ladies, ladies. Let's not bicker about who wronged who. Let's just enjoy…(Young Midna throws Young Ruto at Young Link.) Never mind. Solve your problems your way.

MH: Roy…

Roy: I know, I know. Interview. So Ganny…um, Ganondorf… Is Brawl fun?

Ganondorf: It's worthwhile.

Roy: What's your Final Smash?

Ganondorf: I turn into Ganon.

Roy: How is this Ganon different from Ganondorf?

Link: Ganon looks like a giant boar.

Roy: That's neat! Can you show me right now?

Ganondorf: Only if I wanted to kill you, and I don't.

Roy: What if I called you Ganny?

Ganondorf: I'd kill you, but not as Ganon.

Roy: Anybody got a picture of this Ganon? …Aw man!

Link: Just play Twilight Princess.

Roy: There are no video games on Elibe. I can't play any 'cause you won't let me visit the Mansion.

Marth: For good reason.

MH: We won't let you visit the Mansion because you won't visit. You never once came to visit.

Roy: Yeah, but that's irrelevant.

Link: Uh no, it's not.

Roy: Uh yes, it is.

Link: Uh no, it's…this is pointless. We could probably argue like this for hours.

Roy: We _have_ argued like this for hours.

Link: True.

MH: Ganondorf's interview.

Link: No one cares about Ganondork.

Ganondorf: What did you call me?

Link: You heard me.

Ganondorf: Oh that's it fairy boy. I'm going to do what none of my past lives could do. (Turns into Ganon.)

Roy: OMG, that's so cool!

Link: Bring it on, piggy. (Draw the Master Sword.)

(Ganon charges at Link. Link sidesteps and slashes at Ganon. He swings his head, knocking Link back into the studio wall with one of his tusks. He turns back to Ganondorf laughing menacingly. He suddenly stumbles back, impaled by a light arrow.)

Ganondorf: What the hell was that for? (To Zelda.)

Zelda: I am not going to have my child born an orphan. Leave my husband alone. (To Link.) Stop trying to cause trouble.

Link: I can make no guarantees.

Zelda: (Glares menacingly.)

Link: (meekly) Okay dear. Calm down.

Roy: Dude! Ganon is so cool. I mean I never thought a giant boar would make a fearful enemy, but you were wicked. I mean pigs are kind of funny, but, hey, who am I to judge? I mean…

(Ganondorf gets enraged by Roy's incessant chatter and turns into Ganon. He charges at Roy who screams like a little schoolgirl.)

MH: (Calmly floats over to the wall and starts banging the back of his hand on the wall. [Like he's banging his head.])

_A/N: Yea! Chapter 8. Hope everyone enjoys it so far. Please send me your ideas if you have any. Next up is Mario. (Yes, he probably should have been earlier, but I really don't care.) Roy's tombstone will read "may he rest in pieces." _:)


	9. Mario

_A/N: Okay. Here's last chapter's recap. Zelda and Link are going to have a baby. Ganondorf ruined Link's happy day. Roy also got to see Ganondorf's Final Smash (too bad it was being used on him.) _

**Celticskyedancer: (to Zelda.) Congratulations.**

**Zelda: Thank you. Link and I are both thrilled that we're going to have a child. I keep thinking of baby names in my spare time. **

**Celticskyedancer: Well I'm sure you'll come up with good names. Now to find that husband of yours…**

**Zelda: Are you going to fight Link again?**

**Celticskyedancer: No. At least not at this very moment. I might later.**

**Zelda: You know, you can't make him change his mind about a word. I think it's stupid to get angry over it.**

**Celticskyedancer: *Sigh* I guess you're right.**

**Link: (pokes his head out of the janitor's closet) Is it safe to come out now?**

**Zelda: Yes dear.**

**Link: You hold grudges for a really long time; you've probably been spending way too much time with Samus.**

**Celticskyedancer: Is that a bad thing?**

**Link: Depends on how much of Samus rubs off on you.**

**Celticskyedancer: I haven't picked up any of her bad habits…except maybe the bad temper when it comes to revenge, but lots of people are like that.**

**Link: You seem worse than Samus at times.**

**Ike: Hey guys, anyone seen Marth?**

**Link: Why?**

**Celticskyedancer: He's probably having a make-out session with Sheeda…again. I seriously don't know why people think he's gay. He's obviously devoted to Sheeda.**

**Ike: Well I'm only going to make it worse once he has pink hair.**

**MH: Anyone seen Roy?**

**Link: No, why…(everyone suddenly gets nervous).**

**Ike: I'm sure he hasn't done anything too drastic. (Large explosion.) Just ignore that last comment. **

**All: ROY!!!!!!!!**

Chapter Nine: Mario

Roy: I still don't see why you think my putting the Sword of Seals into the toaster is such a big deal.

Marth: You idiot, you blew up half the backstage studio.

Roy: It's not my fault the toaster was broken.

Link: You don't shove swords into toasters; especially fiery swords.

Ike: Bravo genius. And you wonder why you never returned to Brawl.

Roy: You're mean.

MH: You're stupid; get on with your job.

Roy: And now for the moment you've all been waiting for *or not*. Introducing Nintendo's mascot: Mario!

(A disco ball and colored lights appear, lighting up every corner of the audience.)

Random announcer: Are you ready for this? (That catchy football music comes on. Mario flips onto stage shooting fireballs in all directions. All the lights shine on Mario and he gives the audience a thumbs up. The audience goes hysterical.)

Link: Okay, that was a bit extravagant.

Pit: Just a bit.

Roy: that was more than a bit excessive. (Sees their annoyed faces.) Oh, you were being sarcastic!

Link: No duh, dumbass.

Roy: Hey, I don't insult you when you mess up.

Link: Uh yeah – you do.

Roy: Uh no – I don't.

Link: Uh yeah – you…

MH: GET ON WITH THE INTERVIEW!

Roy: (meekly.) Yes sir.

Mario: Why did you hire Roy?

Roy: Because I'm unemployed.

Mario: (to Master Hand) Why didn't you hire a professional?

MH: …We're low on budget and Roy is cheap.

Marth: You should have hired a professional.

MH: Probably, but I didn't, and it's too late now.

Ike: Sadly.

Pit: I'm glad you hired Roy. He's cool.

Link: *Suck up*

Roy: Yo, Mario-ster, how's Super Smash Bros. Brawl?

Mario: …fun.

Marth: "Mario-ster?"

Roy: And I suppose you think hydromaniac is a word.

Link: …Hydro-? Let me guess, celticskyedancer.

Marth: Careful Link.

Link: She won't write a shounen-ai tale between me and Pit.

Pit: (pales) What?

Roy: It's Pit and me (smugly.)

Link: It's my fist in your face.

Roy: …What?

Link: (facepalms) Beam me up Farore; there's no intelligent life onstage.

Zelda: I beg your pardon.

Link: Onstage. You're offstage.

Marth: But some of us are onstage, including Master Hand.

Link: Excuse me. There's no intelligent life in Roy's brain.

Ganondorf: Ain't that the truth.

Roy: Yep…wait. That's an insult.

Marth: Bravo genius.

Roy: Finally someone appreciates my intelligence…no wait. That's sarcasm.

Marth: (facepalms) Whatever deities exist in the cosmos, please smite me now.

Ike: I don't your continent has a specific deity.

Marth: What about your goddesses?

Roy: (Looking at Ike) I don't think I've ever seen someone hit the fetal position that fast.

Link: I've seen Pit hit it faster.

Pit: (Listening to an iPod.) What's everyone talking about?

Link: Goddesses of Tellius.

Roy: (Looks at Pit.) Wow. I think this is a world record.

Link: That's certainly the fastest I've ever seen Pit hit the fetal position.

Pit: Find a happy place; find a happy place.

Roy: Are they really that bad?

Ike: You have no idea. Ashera is an old, scary hag and Yune is a spoiled brat. They've combined into Ashunera, but that's just two terrors in one body.

Roy: (Completely clueless) Okay.

MH: It looks like you've exhausted his intelligence. Not that takes a lot of effort. Hey Young Link, get up here and interview Mario.

YL: Yes! Excuse me, ladies. Promotion!

Roy: No! Get back to the audience! I'll do my job.

MH: THEN DO IT!

Roy: (meekly) Yes sir. So, Mario…why didn't you invite me back to Brawl!? (Desperately)

Mario: Because you were a clone character. Nobody wanted both Roy and Marth to have the same moves.

Roy: Then why didn't you give me my own moves?

Mario: Nintendo is lazy. It was easier to fire you.

Roy: But I was an asset to the game and life at the mansion.

Mario: No, you weren't. I'm glad you're gone. You trashed my Ferrari.

Link: Braggart.

Mario: I beg your pardon?

Link: You always rub in all the rewards that Nintendo gives you. You're no better than anyone else. I'm just as popular as you.

Mario: But I'm Nintendo's mascot. I'm practically the god of video games.

Link: Then how come Sonic beat you?

Mario: Sonic is a…

Link: Sonic kicks your ass everyday of the week.

Mario: Do you wanna take this outside?

Link: Bring it on chubby.

Mario: Oh that's it.

(Link and Mario square off against each other. Zelda, Young Link, and Ganondorf are all in the audience eating popcorn.)

Ganondorf: This will be good.

Zelda: Yep.

Roy: (To Master Hand) Why aren't you stopping them?

MH: Are you crazy? This fight will be amazing. Two Nintendo giants against each other in epic combat.

Roy: You sound like a movie announcer, but okay. This fight should take a while. Hey Marth, wanna play ERS (Egyptian Rat Screw. It's a card game where you slap in.)

Marth: Oh, you're on.

Ike: Count me in.

Lilina: I'll play.

Mist: Ooh, let me play.

Roy: Anyone else?

(Ellis, Sheeda, Elincia, Pit, and Captain Falcon join.)

(Link and Mario charge at each other. Soon they're exchanging blows at lightning speeds. Link stabs Mario; Mario head butts Link. Mario then fireballs Link while Lik shoots Mario with an arrow. Meanwhile the others playing ERS are really getting into their game. Mist and Ellis begin asserting dominance, gaining most of the cards. Roy and Captain Falcon are also putting up a good fight. Ike, Pit and Sheeda just plain suck. Period.)

Ike: (Loses his last card.) Man, I gotta get faster at slapping in.

(Mist gets the pile.)

Pit: You're better than me. (Pit hasn't had any cards for at least five minutes.)

Sheeda: I can't believe Marth is beating me.

Marth: (Loses last card.) Not any more. We're tied.

Sheeda: (Slaps in a giant pile.) Yes!

(Ten seconds later.)

Ike: I have never seen someone lose their cards that fast.

Sheeda: Shut up.

Marth: Looks like the battle is between Ellis, Mist, and Roy.

Lilina: Take 'em to the cleaners, Roy!

Pit: (Slaps back in.) Looks like I'm back in contention

(Five seconds later.)

Ike: Wow. Pit, you're worse than Sheeda.

Pit: Shut up.

Marth: Come on Ellis, kick their asses.

Ellis: I plan to. Don't cuss.

Sheeda: We gotta slap in.

Mist: NO! (Loses her last card.)

Elincia: Don't worry Mist. You're a good player; you could slap back in.

Roy: You're going down, Marth's sister.

Ellis: Sure, just like you mortally stabbed my brother.

Roy: (getting guilt-tripped.) Well, you see…(Ellis steals all the cards while Roy is distracted.) Hey! That's not fair. Wow, you _are_ good at guilt-tripping.

Ellis: Not my fault you weren't paying attention.

Roy: You're not that kind-hearted woman you appear to be.

Marth: He figured out in two minutes what took me seventeen years to understand.

Lilina: Roy has his moments.

Ike: He still blew up half the backstage with a toaster.

Lilina: And he has his…not so great moments. A minor flaw in my opinion.

Sheeda: Sweetheart, it's more than a minor flaw.

Roy: Who's up for round two? Any newcomers?

Soren: I've got nothing better to do.

Ganondorf: Why not? Fight's getting boring.

(Link and Mario are still moving at lightning speeds, Link swinging his sword and Mario flinging fireballs.)

YL: Go big me! Show that Italian's who's boss!

Zelda: Come on Link; you can do it.

Crazy: I'll join ERS.

Mist: Not fair. Your hand is way bigger than ours.

Roy: We could play poker.

Ike: I don't know. I kind of suck at poker.

Roy: We could bet real money.

Ike: I'm in.

Roy: Any other takers for poker. (Everyone else agrees to join.)

Link: You're going down, plumber boy.

Mario: Bring it, elfie.

(Mario and Link charge at each other. There's a massive explosion. When the smoke clears, Mario stands triumphant over a fallen Link.)

Mario: Who's the boss now, elfie?

Zelda: Oh no, Link.

MH: Dr. Mario, clean up on center stage.

Dr. Mario: I ain't helping him. He dissed my other me.

MH: Heal Link unless you want Zelda to kill you.

Dr. Mario: Fine. (Heals Link.)

Crazy: Yes! I Won!

Everyone: What?

Marth: I think we just screwed the time stream continuum.

Roy: We lost?

Ike: We lost a ton of money.

Mist: I told you not to bet so much.

Ike: It's Elincia's money anyways.

Elincia: What?

Ike: You're the queen of Crimea. You're loaded.

Elincia: You can't just steal my money and gamble. I'll gamble my own money.

Sheeda: Be glad you're not Ellis. She lost a ton of gold.

Marth: It was my gold too.

Ellis: _Our_ gold. We split the money fifty-fifty after Dad died. Remember?

Marth: But I got the kingdom.

Ellis: I didn't want Altea.

MH: What happened?

Pit: Crazy creamed us in poker.

MH: …Crazy…won in poker? (Not buying it.)

Crazy: I wOn, I wOn, YeS, yEs, WoOhOo!

MH: Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

Mewtwo: Hey, I'm the only psychic here.

MH: If Crazy wins at poker, you know something bad will happen. Trust me.

Mewtwo: What happened the last time he won?

MH: You don't want to know (shudders.)

Roy: No really, what happened?

MH: All of Ike's world except the continent of Tellius was flooded. Hyrule went into a world war. Metroids were created. The dragons of Elibe were forced into exile. Koopas got wings. Why did you let him win?

Lilina: We didn't let him win. It just happened.

YL: Are we gonna die? (scared.)

Zelda: (Hugs him.) Don't worry. Master Hand is over-exaggerating.

MH: No. I'm not.

(All the young Zelda characters cuddle up to Zelda and soon fall asleep.)

Link: (smiles warmly at Zelda.)

Zelda: (catches Link's gaze.) What?

Link: You look absolutely beautiful with all those children around you. (Zelda blushes.)

MH: Nothing will be beautiful when the world comes to an end.

Roy: Don't you think that you're overreacting?

MH: Let's see: the last time Crazy won he nearly destroyed one world, plunged another into a world war, created two different freaks of nature and exiled the dragons of Elibe. Does it sound like I'm overreacting?

Roy: We're doomed.

Crazy: e=mc2

MH: What?

Crazy: e=mc2. I understand it! All of it! Math, science, philosophy, government. I get all of it. Clearly, I'm a genius now.

MH: Sweet Creator Hand, he's intelligent!

Crazy: Now I know how all my plans for world domination will come true. Nothing can stop me from taking over the world. This is what I have been waiting for.

MH: (slaps Crazy) Don't even try.

Crazy: WhAt HaPpEnEd? My HaNd FeElS fUnNy.

(Light pours down from the sky. A hand in a lacy glove descends.)

?: Master Hand, what have I told you about bullying your brother?

MH: Mother…

Mama Hand: Don't use that tone of voice with me young hand. You have no right to beat your brother just because he's special.

MH: *ed.*

Mama Hand: What?

MH: He's retarded.

Mama Hand: (Zaps Master Hand.) Don't insult your brother. He's different. Now apologize to your brother, and don't hurt him again.

MH: But…

Mama Hand: No buts.

MH: *Ugh* …Sorry…Crazy.

Crazy: It'S oKaY.

Mama Hand: Good hand. (leaves.)

MH: (To Crazy.) I hate you. (Gets zapped.) Sorry, mother.

Roy: Okay. That was weird.

Zelda: So all Crazy's win did was make him an evil genius?

Dr. Mario: (Runs onstage.) No! He freed the originals.

MH: Oh

Mario: my

Link: god.

Zelda: (trembling uncontrollably.) Shit. (Everyone looks at her in shock.)

Roy: Um…who are the originals?

Mario: You'd have to be a NES video game character to understand.

Link: The originals are the arcade games.

Roy: Huh?

Marth: Is that bad?

MH: Bad is an understatement.

(From backstage comes the sound of running feet *bump, bump, bump, bump…*)

Marth: What was that?

?: *bump, bump, bump, bump…* OH MY GOD! Waka, waka, waka, waka…(Pacman runs onstage. Everything becomes 2D.)

Marth: (Sees Pacman heading straight towards him.) Oh no. (Turns around to run away in slow motion.) No…. (Gets eaten by Pacman.)

Link: (Throws a bomb at Pacman. Pacman eats the bomb. The four ghosts chasing him turn blue.)

Blinky: Oh shit.

Pacman: Thanks buddy. Here's your friend back. (Coughs up Marth.)

Marth: (In the fetal position.) The darkness. Everywhere, so dark.

Ike: Is he going to be okay?

(Five minutes later, Pacman comes running back. Four ghosts are heading from him in different directions.)

Pacman: Hey elf-boy, got any more of those bombs?

Link: Let's see. (reaches into his hat.) Arrow, arrow, blue rupee, arrow, arrow, hookshot, pumpkin seed, pumpkin seed, arrow, seed, seed…(ghosts keep getting closer) arrow, arrow…

Roy: (nervously) Uh Link…

Link: One sec; arrow, seed, seed, seed, arrow…

Pacman: Hurry it up, will ya?

Link: Give me a minute. Arrow, arrow, green rupee, bomb… (Tosses the bomb behind him as Pacman, Roy, and Ike yell "No!" Bomb blows a hole in the wall.)

Pacman: Yes! I'm free. Catch me if you can Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Sue! (Runs out the hole yelling "I'm free." Comes out the other side.) Oh shit!

(Master Hand snaps his fingers and Pacman disappears.)

Sheeda: (rushes onstage.) Marth! (Yeah, he's still in the fetal position. She rests his head on her lap, stroking his hair.) Shh. It's alright Marth. Shh… Pacman's gone. He's not going to hurt you. Marth needs to take five.

Roy: But…

MH: That's fine. (Sheeda helps Marth offstage.) Roy, get back to the interview.

Roy: Okay, so Mario how does it feel to lose to Sonic?

Mario: I didn't lose to that son of a…

Roy: This is supposed to be K-rated.

Mario: I was going to say "son of a hedgehog."

Link: Then why not just say hedgehog?

Mario: Son of a hedgehog just seems more insulting.

Ike: Only because you're insulting his mother.

Mario: Anyways…

Roy: What do you call a female hedgehog anyways?

Pit: I don't know; we should find out.

Mario: As I was saying, that son of a hedgehog cheated.

?: How dare you say that about my boyfriend!

(Cameras turn to an enraged pink hedgehog in a red dress with a giant hammer.)

Mario: Amy, your boyfriend is a loser!

Amy: Take that back.

Roy: I think now might be a good time for a commercial break.

_A/N: Hope everyone enjoys this so far. Next up is Sonic._


	10. Sonic

_A/N: And now for a recap of the last part only. Roy blew up half of the backstage by shoving the Sword of Seals into a toaster (you gotta love him.) Mario had an extravagant entrance. Link and Mario got into an epic fight while everyone played ERS (Egyptian Rat Screw: It's a card game for those of you who don't know. It involves slapping in.) Link lost; Crazy won a game of poker. The last time he lost a lot of bad things happened: this time Crazy temporarily became a genius (Master Hand slapped it out of him provoking the wrath of Mama Hand) and released the originals (the old arcade games, namely Pacman.) Chaos ensues. Everything returns to normal in time for the commercial break.)_

**Master Hand: (tapes "Caution Do Not Enter" tape on the door where he sealed the originals.) No one is to open this door unless they want to release Pacman and his ghosts again. We're lucky they're the only psycho freaks that got out this time. No one enters. Understand? (Looks straight at Roy.)**

**Roy: I'm not letting those guys out. You'd have to be Crazy to do that. (All eyes turn to Crazy who's watching a Barbie movie on a portable DVD player.)**

**MH: Don't worry; I'll keep an eye on Crazy.**

**Link: And I'll keep an eye on this door.**

**Roy: You will not; I need you onstage.**

**Link: Why?**

**Roy: Because I have to finish your interview.**

**Link: My interview was done hours ago. I refuse to remain onstage just so you can torture and mock me. Master Hand has more need of my skills guarding this door.**

**Celticskyedancer: Actually, I'll guard the door since I have nothing else to do, and Master Hand won't let me hang out with you guys onstage, so…**

**Link: (In a threatening tone of voice.) If you know what's good for you…**

**Celticskyedancer: (The Master Sword appears in her hand.) You'll what?**

**Link: Oh…nothing.**

**MH: You're up to something.**

**Celticskyedancer: Who? Me? I'm a little angel.**

**MH: No, you're not. You have a devilish side.**

**(The Janitor closet's door suddenly shakes. Ike walks by, looks at the door in shock, and opens it.)**

**Ike: Reyson? What are you doing here?**

**Reyson: (He's a white-winged, superhot heron prince from PoR/RD) That crazy authoress tied me up and locked me in here.**

**Celticskyedancer: (evil grin.) Hey Ike, is there a problem.**

**Ike: (visions of yaoi fanfics with him float through his mind.) No. (Looks at Reyson.) Sorry, but you're on your own. (Slams the closet door shut.)**

**MH: Just make sure your hostage doesn't interrupt the show.**

**Celticskyedancer: Don't worry. I won't.**

Chapter Ten: Sonic

Roy: Please help me welcome Sega's mascot *heck of a lot better than Mario* Sonic the Hedgehog.

(A golden light fills the studio. A golden hedgehog surrounded by seven floating gems of different colors appears. Sonic zooms back and forth across the audience, high-fiving everyone. He lands on the stage, reverting to his normal blue self as a group of SEGA guys in suits start chanting "Sonic, Sonic, Sonic…")

Link: Now that's a classy entrance.

Mario: And mine wasn't?

Pit: Yours was a bit overdone.

Roy: It was more than a bit. (Everyone stares at him.) Oh right, sarcasm. (To Sonic.) So you're the infamous Sonic the Hedgehog who finally put Mario in his place?

Sonic: Yes I am.

Roy: And you're also that Amy's boyfriend?

Sonic: What? No! She's just a crazy fangirl.

Amy: It's more than just fangirl love. The love that binds us is true and everlasting love.

Sonic: *Delusional*

Roy: So, do you enjoy being in Super Smash Bros. Brawl?

Sonic: Yep. The fights are amazing. My speed has been slowed down some, but so far I only have two losses.

Roy: That's good. I didn't think Nintendo would hire non-Nintendites.

Sonic: Is Nintendite even a word?

Link: Celticskyedancer made it up.

Marth: Careful Link.

Sonic: Nintendite is a stupid word.

Link: Thank you. Someone finally agrees with me.

Ike: Looks like she will be writing a Link x Pit love story.

Pit: (extremely pale) She wouldn't.

Link: Sonic insulted her too.

Sonic: (smugly) What's she gonna do to me?

Mario: She could write a SonAmy oneshot.

Sonic: (pales) Sh-She wouldn't dare.

Mario: (clearly enjoying this.) Unlike the yaoi threats, celticskyedancer actually supports the SonAmy pairing.

Sonic: (falls on his knees.) I'm sorry celticskyedancer. Please don't ever torture me like that.

Link: *Suck up.*

Pit: Link, celticskyedancer has author's powers.

Link: And what the hell does that mean?

Pit: She could do something drastic like make Zelda fall madly in love with Ganondorf.

Zelda: What!?

Ganondorf: That's disturbing.

Zelda: You're not one-and-a-half months pregnant with someone else' baby.

Ganondorf: True.

Zelda: Besides, you and Nabooru are in love.

Nabooru: WE ARE NOT AN ITEM.

Link: You did go on one date.

Nabooru: One date because you _paid_ us.

Zelda: Again – worth every rupee.

Pit: Okay, so Zelda and Ganondorf falling in love is a little drastic.

Link: Uh, yeah.

Pit: Even so, she could make you bald, crippled, ugly or magenta. (Shudders.) She could _kill_ you. (Link remains unfazed.) She could ensure that you remain Ruto's fiancé.

Link: (Looking blankly ahead in shock.) Celticskyedancer, I take back every bad thing I said about you or any of your made-up words. I never realized how hip and edgy they sound.

Roy: *Suck up.*

Link: Better a suck-up than married to a fish slut.

Y Ruto: (to Young Link.) Is that what you really thing about me?

YL: What. N-no…I…

Y. Ruto: (Kicks him.)

Roy: Ooh, right in the battereies.

Link: Ah! (Falls to the ground.) Crap that happened to me too.

Zelda: (Laughing) Okay, now that's funny.

Link: Laugh all you want.

Zelda: Oh I will.

Roy: Hey Sonic, if you don't like Amy, then who do you like?

Sonic: No one really. I don't like the notion of settling down.

Amy: One day Sonic, you will admit your undying love for me.

CF: Man is this girl delusional? Can't she see that Sonic hates her?

Marth: Hypocrite.

CF: What's that pretty boy?

Marth: Can't you see that Samus hates you?

CF: You don't know what you're talking about, pretty boy.

Marth: Um, yes, I do.

CF: You're crazy, Lowell.

Marth: At least I'm not an idiot.

CF: Care to repeat that, Lowell?

Marth: You're a delusional idiot.

CF: Oh that's it.

Roy: Guys, please stop! Master Hand gets angry at _me_ if you two get in a fight.

CF: Oh, well in that case… FALCON PAWNCH! (Attacks Marth.)

Marth: (Draws Falchion.) You're going down, Falcon.

CF: Bring it, Lowell.

Marth: I intend to. (Charges forward.)

MH: Oh Roy…

Roy: (Throws himself down in front of Master Hand.) Please don't kill me; I'm not responsible for their fight.

MH: Just ignore them and get on with Sonic's interview.

Roy: Yes sir. So Sonic, do you hope they put more Sonic characters in future Super Smash Bros. games?

Sonic: Well, Shadow the Hedgehog is an assist trophy in Brawl.

Roy: Is he related to you?

Sonic: No. We are just both hedgehogs. Not all hedgehogs are related.

Roy: Is he in the audience?

Shadow: (Stands up.) I'm right here.

Roy: Dude! You're way cooler than Sonic. Why aren't you a playable character?

Shadow: That's what I would like to know.

Roy: Do you feel like Nintendo rejected you?

Shadow: Yes…yes I do.

Roy: Do you like pranks?

Shadow: Depends.

Roy: Depends on what?

Shadow: What kind of prank it is, and how much damage is caused by the prank. Mostly the damage factor.

Roy: Do you like fire?

Shadow: I suppose. It is fire, and I am part pyro.

Roy: Do you like explosions?

Shadow: Hell yeah.

Roy: Do you like crashing things?

Shadow: Depends. Depends on what I'm crashing – whether I like the vehicle or not. If there's a lot of damage caused by the crash. Whether there's an explosion or not; and if so, then the size of the explosion matters.

Roy: Would you like to join Pit, Captain Falcon, and me to take over this show?

Ike: What!?

Shadow: Which side is Sonic on?

Sonic: I didn't know we were choosing sides. But it looks like there's a blue team (points to Ike and Marth) and a red team (points to Roy and Pit.) Guess I'm on the blue team since I am blue.

Shadow: Well then, fiery boy, guess I'm on your side.

Roy: Wicked. Together the four of us will take over the dark side.

Mewtwo: Technically the blue team *my team* is the dark side.

Mario: Looks like I'm on your team Roy.

Roy: I though you hated me.

Mario: I do. I hate Sonic more though.

Roy: Okay. Team Red rules!

Sonic: (To Marth and Ike) So they're the dark side, and we're the light side?

Marth: Actually we're the dark side with Mewtwo. Roy just thinks that he's on the dark side, but we called it first.

Sonic: That's confusing.

Ike: No, not really if you think about it.

Link: Hey Ike, don't try to confuse him more; he's new around here.

Ike: So am I.

Link: Yeah, but you're Nintendo. He's SEGA.

Marth: Sonic doesn't speak Ninlingo.

Link: Ninlingo? I swear that celticskyedancer come up…

Ike: Link, Ruto…

Link: …with the most innovative words ever.

Pit: Now that was a close call.

Link: Ah! What are you doing here?

Pit: I just came to talk. Roy is not making much sense.

Ike: He never does.

Marth: (Pulls Link and Ike off to the side.) What if Roy sent Pit to spy on us?

Link: Roy's not that smart.

Marth: True, but he is devious and inventive. He is smart when it comes to things like this. He has hot-wired Samus' ship three times, disable the Mansion security twice, and saran wrapped seven different Melee fields, including Hyrule Temple.

Ike: How did he...

Marth: We don't know how Roy did it.

Ike: I meant how did Roy get enough saran wrap to do this?

Link: We're still figuring that one out too.

Ike: Let's just ask Pit to tell us. He can't lie.

Link: He can't?

Ike: He's an angel. Angels can't lie…unless they're fallen angels.

Marth: How do you know so much about angels?

Ike: I asked Pit; he had to tell me. Hey Pit.

Pit: Yeah?

Ike: Did Roy send you over here to spy on us?

Pit: No! I came to talk to you guys. Besides, I don't think Roy's smart enough to send anyone to spy on you. He'd probably try to do it himself and get caught.

Marth: True.

Link: Okay. So Pit, what are you and Roy planning?

Pit: I can't tell you that.

Link: Come on (puppy dog face.)

Pit: No. Puppy dog faces won't work on me.

Link: Why?

Pit: Because I'm the best at puppy dog faces. (Shows off his mad skills.)

Link: Stop, please stop. Goddesses, you'd do anything for that face. _I'd_ do anything for that face.

Ike: Pit, you've got some mad skills.

Roy: Hey Sonic, what's your claim-to-fame.

Sonic: I'm the fastest thing in existence.

Link: Second-fastest.

Sonic: No, I'm the fastest.

Link: No, Chuck Norris is the fastest thing in existence.

Sonic: I'm positive that I'm faster than Chuck Norris.

Link: Chuck Norris could roundhouse kick you in the face and make it halfway to Japan before you even realized what happened.

Guy in suit: Objection.

Roy: Who are you?

Guy: I'm Chuck Norris' agent. He could roundhouse kick the hedgehog five times in the face and make it halfway to Japan before the hedgehog realized what happened.

Chuck Norris: You're both wrong. (Kicks Sonic _and _Link five times in the face before making it three-quarters of the way to Japan before either Sonic or Link realized what happened.)

Sonic: What just happened?

Link: (in awe) We just got Chuck Norrised…and lived!

Roy: Dude! That was awesome!

Chuck Norris: Two words…Chuck, Norris. (sits down.)

CF: (awestruck) Chuck Norris has been here the whole time?

MH: Yeah, he's on the special guest list.

Amy: (Runs over to Sonic.) Are you okay? (Hugs him.) Were you hurt?

Sonic: (struggling) Amy, I'm fine! Let go!

Amy: Oh Sonic.

Sonic: (breaks free form Amy. Turns to Roy.) Uh…I gotta go save the world from Eggman. Bye! (runs off.)

Amy: (steaming angry.) Sonic, get back here right now. (Grabs her Piko Piko Hammer.) SONIC! (Runs after him.)

Roy: …What the hell just happened?

Link: I think your interviewee just ran away.

Roy: Great. What are we going to do now?

Ike: Play ERS.

Mist: I'm game.

Soren: That's because you always win. But I'll play.

MH: I guess we'll make a longer commercial break. You guys can play your little card game.

Crazy: Ooh…Let me play.

Everyone: NO!

Crazy: Aw man…

Link: Hey, Chuck, do you want to play?

Chuck Norris: Of course, but you all should know: Chuck Norris never loses.

Marth: Is there anything you can't do?

Chuck Norris: I can't hit the broad side of a barn.

Link: Really?

Chuck Norris: Yeah, every time I try the whole damn barn collapses.

Mist: That must suck.

Chuck Norris: Yeah.

MH: Young Link, take us to commercial break.

YL: We'll be back right after these commercials. Don't change that channel.

_A/N: Just for the record, Chuck Norris could have roundhouse kicked Sonic and Link _at least_ ten times in the face and made it all the way around the world before they realized what happened. He went easy on them. Next up is Kirby!_


	11. Kirby

_A/N: Okay last chapter Roy interviewed Sonic. Sonic joined Marth's (technically Mewtwo's) team while Shadow joined Roy's team. Sonic also met the one person faster than him: Chuck Norris. Link and Sonic got Chuck Norrised and lived. Also…._

**Celticskyedancer: When I get my hands on you, you'll be speaking Ninlingo fluently and you'll respect each and every Nintendite.**

**(Roy and Marth are once again restraining a furious celticskyedancer from mauling Link.)**

**Link: Calm down; I apologized.**

**Celticskyedancer: Only because Pit said I'd make you Ruto's fiancé. I would never do that; I hate Ruto. (Nothing personal to any Ruto fans reading this.) Since I won't make you Ruto's fiancé and you're not scared of being bald, ugly, crippled, magenta, or dead, I have to find some other way to get my revenge for you dissing my word.**

**Roy: You could just set his fangirls on him again.**

**Marth: (whacks Roy upside the head.) Are you crazy? After they tore Link to shreds, who did they attack? It certainly wasn't Mewtwo. If she brings those crazy psychos in here again, we'll be torn to shreds again also.**

**Roy: (shudders) Oh yeah, I forgot about that.**

**Zelda: Actually, it would make a hysterical YouTube video. **

**Roy: What, us getting mauled?**

**Marth: No you moron, us getting pampered at the spa.**

**Zelda: Well, it wouldn't just be you three; Ike would also get attacked as well as Pit.**

**Celticskyedancer: And it would make my latest fanfic even funnier.**

**Link: Goddesses, what torture are writing now?**

**Celticskyedancer: Oh, nothing. (It's this torture for those of you that for some reason didn't get the reference.) Bring on the fangirls!**

**Link: Zelda, you're supposed to save me from the fangirls!**

**Zelda: I'm pregnant. Don't worry; if they start getting too close to you, I'll interfere.**

**Ike & Pit: Holy crap! **

**Ike: Why they drag us into this!?**

**Pit: I don't know, just head for the boy's restroom. They can't get us there.**

**(Pit trips and falls.)**

**Pit: Ike, go on without me.**

**Ike: You don't have to say that twice.**

**Pit: You could at least pretend that you're concerned for my well-being!**

**MH: (to celticskyedancer) I really should just lock you up in that janitor's closet with the kidnapped heron laguz of yours. It will keep you out of the trouble. **

**Celticskyedancer: (just grins.) But then you'd have less fun.**

**MH: I would have more sanity; that's for sure. **

**Celticskyedancer: You know you like it.**

**MH: Well, the fangirls are hysterical, but I digress. Please try to cause less trouble at least to Roy. We kind of need him in one piece for the interviews.**

**Celticskyedancer: Oh yeah…But I can really torture the others?**

**MH: Within **_**reason.**_** Roy get your skinny little pyro ass over here this instant! We have a show to do.**

**Roy: I'm kinda busy (being mauled by rabid fangirls.)**

**MH: *Sigh* I'll go save the boys.**

Part Eleven: Kirby

Mist: Come on Ike; take 'em to the cleaners.

Sheeda: Go Ellis!

Link: Go Chuck Norris! (To Marth.) They don't stand a chance.

Chuck Norris: (wins. Again.) I told you. No one beats Chuck Norris.

Roy: Who's up for round 265? (Chuck Norris makes the games not last long.)

MH: Roy. (Roy doesn't notice.) Roy!

Roy: What?

MH: The show's back on.

Roy: Oh! (Ruses for the microphone.) Help me welcome, the pink puffball extraordinaire – the Star Warrior Kirby!

(Kirby falls down on his warp star. When the star hits the ground it explodes in a fiery brilliance.)

Roy: Best. Entrance. So. Far.

Marth: You only say so because you're a pyro.

Kirby: Poyo la la fa poyo. Hi!

Roy: Hey Kirb, what happened to your translator?

Kirby: (Looks down.)

Roy: You lost it again? (Kirby nods.) Come on Kirb, is this like the fifth translator you've lost?

Dr. Mario: (gives Kirby a new one.) Try not to lose this one.

Kirby: Okay.

Roy: How's life been doing for you, Kirby?

Kirby: Great! I had three ice cream sundaes, a dozen brownies, five hotdogs, three hamburgers…

Roy: Okay, okay. I wasn't looking for what you ate. I wanted to know how Brawl is going.

Kirby: Oh, well why didn't you ask? Good. Meta Knight and I beat Pikachu and Lucario.

Mewtwo: Don't you ever say that name again.

Roy: What? Lucario?

Mewtwo: Stop it.

Roy: Lucario, Lucario, Lu- (Mewtwo zaps Roy with a ball of psychic energy. Repeatedly.)

MH: Mewtwo, let Roy continue with the interview. Lucario replaced you, and that's that.

Mewtwo: (glowering.)

Roy: What do you like best about Brawl?

Kirby: All my new forms.

Roy: What's your favorite new form?

Kirby: Either Snake Kirby or Zero-Suit Kirby.

Roy: I'll have to meet this Snake guy.

Ike: He's cool. He's a great drinking buddy.

Roy: I didn't think alcohol was allowed at the Mansion.

MH: It's not.

Ike: We weren't drinking at the Mansion.

(Police officer hands Ike a ticket.)

Ike: What's this for?

Police Officer: Underage drinking.

Ike: (Looks at the ticket and does like a quintuple take.) Surely you can't be serious?

Police Officer: I am serious; don't call me Shirley.

Ike: This is a shit-load of money.

Police Officer: Then you should think twice before you drink underage.

Ike: Well this sucks.

Mist: Serves you right.

Ike: Shut up.

Roy: Why does everyone get so testy about underage drinking?

MH: Because here in America the drinking age is twenty-one. I don't care if ten-year-olds drink on Elibe; here they can't. Neither you nor Ike nor Link nor most other Smashers are over the age of twenty-one.

Roy: Then who can legally drink?

MH: Snake, Samus, Mewtwo, Fox, Falco, Wolf, Wario, Bowser, Mario, Luigi, Peach, Captain Falcon, and Ganondorf.

Ike: Lucky them

MH: Back to Kirby's interview.

Roy: (sticks tongue out at Master Hand. Gets zapped.) So Kirby, how old are you?

Kirby: …I don't know.

Roy: What do you mean you don't know?

Kirby: I don't know! I was found in a starship with amnesia. (Bursts into hysterical tears.) I don't even know who my parents are.

Roy: Calm down! Please don't cry Kirby. What would make you happy again?

Kirby: *sniff* A pound of cotton candy.

Roy: …Um, I got a slightly melted Hershey's bar.

Kirby: *Sigh* I suppose that will do. (Sucks it from Roy's hand, wrapper and all.)

Roy: (Wide-eyed.) I thought I was going to lose my hand.

Kirby: Why are people either sitting with Marth and Ike or you?

Roy: Marth and Ike are the blue team, the losers, the light side. And my team, the red team, the winners…the Dark Side (in and evil voice.)

Kirby: I call Roy's side.

Link: What? No!

Kirby: Sorry Link, but Roy's on the Dark Side.

Marth: Actually we're the Dark Side because we called it first.

Ike: (Smacks him upside the head.) Don't confuse people. (Gets hit in the head with a brick.) What the hell?

Sheeda: There's more where that came from. (Ducks as Amiti almost slices her head off.) Hey!

Elincia: You just hit my boyfriend in the head with a brick.

Sheeda: Your boyfriend just whacked my fiancé in the head.

Elincia: You're just jealous because my boyfriend is more manly than yours.

Sheeda: You're just jealous because mine is prettier.

Roy: Marth, if I were you, I wouldn't like the way Sheeda just said "prettier."

Marth: I don't.

Sheeda: What's wrong with the way I said "prettier?"

Marth: You make it sound like I'm pretty like a girl.

Sheeda: You _are _pretty like a girl.

Marth: You make that sound like a good thing.

Sheeda: It _is _a good thing, Marthy-poo.

Roy: *snicker*

Marth: You're not helping me prove that I'm not gay.

Sheeda: We're going to be wed soon; I think that proves that you're not gay.

Roy: Hey Marth.

Marth: What?

Roy: Good cover.

Marth: (Stabs Roy.)

Lilina: You bastard! (Blasts Marth with a fireball.)

MH: Enough. Can't you three girls do anything without starting a brawl over your boyfriends?

Elincia: _She_ (indicating Sheeda) hit my boyfriend in the head with a brick.

Sheeda: Your boyfriend hit my fiancé.

Lilina: Your "pretty" fiancé stabbed my boyfriend.

Marth: I don't like the way people are calling me "pretty."

Mewtwo: It doesn't help that you drive a Prius.

Roy: You're kidding.

Mewtwo: Nope.

Roy: Man, Marth; you are gay.

Marth: The Prius belongs to Sheeda. I drive a Chevy.

Mewtwo: And yet somehow you ended up driving the Prius last weekend.

Sheeda: I needed the Chevy for my shopping spree; it has a load more trunk space.

Link: What's so wrong about driving a Prius?

Marth: Well it's a blue Prias. But it's not a blue Prius, it's a _blue_ Prius. (Awkward silence.) Okay. I did that way too good.

Sheeda: (All peppy.) It's pretty.

Marth: It makes me look gay.

Sheeda: Oh get a backbone. You're not gay.

Mewtwo: I beg to differ. Marth do you know what sound that car makes when you drive by? It goes "I--------m gay."

Marth: You know what Mewtwo?

Mewtwo: Yeah what Princess?

Ike: Copyrighted. Only I can call Marth a girl.

Marth: Stay out of this, Ike. You're going down, Mewtwo.

Mewtwo: Bring it on Marth. (Get into a fight.)

Roy: (Watches fight.) So Kirby, which newbies do you like and dislike?

Kirby: I like Snake, Zero Suit Samus…

Zelda: Technically she's not new.

Kirby: Well, kind of. I like Ike, Pit…

Pit: Why thank you.

Kirby: I like Lucario…

Mewtwo: You will never say that name again.

Kirby: STOP INTERRUPTING ME! (awkward silence.) Um…I like Meta Knight the most.

Roy: So who do you dislike?

Kirby: I don't like Wario.

Mario: Nobody does.

Link: Then why did you hire him?

Mario: I have no say in Nintendo's decision.

Kirby: I don't like Wolf, Diddy Kong, Lucas…

Link: Why do you hate mini DK and Lucas?

Kirby: Diddy Kong stole my food.

Link: Also an unwritten rule of Smash.

Zelda: Link, remember, R.O.B. wrote them down.

Kirby: Oh really?

Roy: Why do you hate Lucas?

Kirby: I don't hate him, but…he's such a wussy!

Ike: He is a wussy.

Kirby: I also don't like Dedede…No wait, I hate Dedede with a passion. Did I leave anyone out?

Link: Pokémon Trainer, R.O.B.

Kirby: Oh yeah, they're both cool.

Marth: There's Sonic.

Kirby: Oh yeah. He's awesome!

Mario: No, he's not.

Kirby: He's cooler than you are.

Mario: Take that back.

Kirby: (smugly) No.

Mario: Why you ungrateful pink puffball!

Link: (hoping to distract a fuming Kirby.) There's Toon Link.

Kirby: He's all right for a wussy. What did you call me plumber?

Mario: Pink puffball.

MH: Oh no, now you've gone and done it.

Kirby: They call me Mr. Puffball. Aaaaaaaaah! (Charges at Mario.)

Roy: Um Kirby…(ducks as something gets thrown at his head.) Kirby I have to interview you.

Kirby: Do it later.

Roy: No, you don't understand. (Ducks again.) Master Hand will kill me.

Marth: And we _don't_ want that.

Roy: Right…wait. Are you using sarcasm?

Marth: Of _course_ not.

Roy: Okay…I'm not believing you.

Marth: I have _no_ clue what you are talking about.

Roy: (Not convinced) You seem to be just dripping with sarcasm.

Marth: Roy, I honestly think you're crazy.

Roy: One, I ain't crazy.

MH: I ain't?

Roy: Yeah. I ain't. Got a problem with it?

MH: Yes, I do.

Roy: Whatcha gonna do about it?

MH: Zap you. Torture you in various ways. Embarrass you in public. Fire you.

Roy: No! I already got fired from Brawl. I'm staying in this job.

MH: Then do your job!

Roy: Kirby won't stop fighting with Mario.

MH: Then break up the fight.

Roy: How?

MH: I don't know. _Think_ about it.

Roy: I start fights; I don't stop them.

MH: Well stop this one, or you're fired.

Roy: Okay. Aaaaaah! (Charges headlong into the middle of the fight. After an explosion, all three lay on the ground unconscious.)

Lilina: Roy! (Rushes to his side.)

MH: Great. Now we have to waste five minutes doing nothing since our interviewee and our interviewer are unconscious.

Link: We should use this time to end Young Link's polygamy sect.

Zelda: Why?

Link: I'm beginning to have urges to take multiple wives.

Zelda: You don't have to worry about it. I'll keep you a monogamist. Or else.

Link: Yes dear.

Roy: Maybe you should become a bigamist. (The three unconscious smashers are slowly waking up.)

Link: Why? *How'd you recover so fast anyways?*

Roy: Then you could solve your Zelda and Midna problem.

Link: I don't have a Zelda and Midna problem. I love Zelda; I married Zelda. I'm going to have a baby with Zelda.

Roy: Yeah, but what are you true feelings toward Midna?

Marth: *Roy's just asking for Link and Zelda to beat him up.*

Link: She's annoying bossy, and useless.

Midna: I beg your pardon.

Link: You're always bossing me around and doing absolutely nothing. You didn't do crap! You only got your ass kicked by Zant, nearly caused Zelda to die, and destroyed Hyrule Castle.

Midna: I nearly died saving your sorry hide *literally* from Zant. I tried to stop Zelda from sacrificing herself to save me. You weren't much better. And that castle is always getting destroyed. It has enough insurance. Seriously, I'm surprised your rates haven't skyrocketed. And by the way, I defeated Zant.

Link: Only because I weakened him in the first place.

Midna: You'd still be stuck in that cell in Hyrule Castle if it wasn't for me.

Link: You just told me there was a way out. I had to find it by myself anyways. I would have found the way out without you just as easily.

Midna: I warped you all across Hyrule and made your jumps larger.

Link: that just made my tasks easier. I could have easily done every single one of my tasks without you.

Midna: If you're so high and mighty (turns Link into a Wolf) then get yourself out of this.

Link: *growl.*

Midna: Oh you're so cute; I think I'll take you back to the Twilight Realm and make you my guard dog.

Zelda: (Holds her rapier to Zelda's neck.) I wouldn't if I was you.

Midna: Do you want to start something?

Link: (Steps between the ladies and shakes his head at Zelda.)

Zelda: (Through clenched teeth.) Stay out of this Link. (Link shakes his head and nudges her belly with his nose.) The baby will be fine. (Link begins nudging Zelda towards her seat.) This isn't over, Midna. In nine months, we finish this.

Roy: Cool, Link's a wolf. I want to turn into a wolf.

MH: And I want you to get a brain, but that isn't going to happen.

Pit: I think there's hope; he realized Marth was being sarcastic earlier.

Roy: Oh really? I was right?

MH: A distant hope.

Zelda: (to Midna.) Change Link back into a Hylian.

Midna: He has to change himself back into a Hylian to prove that he could have saved Hyrule without my help.

Link: (Yaps something at Midna then rushes out of the studio.)

Roy: Too bad that we didn't have a translator for Link.

Zelda: Trust me, that last sentence had plenty of asterisks in it.

Roy: How do you know? Can you speak wolf?

Zelda: No, I can just hear his thoughts.

Roy: Ooh, that's neat. Can you read mine?

Zelda: I tried it once.

Roy: And you couldn't do it?

Zelda: There wasn't anything in there.

Roy: Oh…hey!

Marth: Burn!

Ike: Good one, Zel.

Zelda: I wasn't trying to insult Roy. It's the honest truth.

Roy: Well I'll have you know that my thoughts are full of…awesomeness.

Chuck Norris: My thoughts are the only thoughts that can truly be deemed awesome.

Kirby: (At the sound of Chuck Norris' voice.) You! (points at the Norris.)

Ike: You know Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris: Aren't you that…thing I beat at a food-eating contest last month?

(Dead, stunned silence.)

Roy: …Dude! Chuck Norris is awesome!

Pit: Kirby lost a food-eating contest? That's not possible.

Ike: Dude, it's Chuck Norris. He can do anything.

Kirby: Yes, I lost! Does everyone have to remind me? That's why I hate Chuck Norris.

CF: You can't hate Chuck Norris.

Kirby: Can and do.

Chuck Norris: I'm sorry, little pink…thing. But only one being can handle this much awesomeness.

Kirby: Oh yeah? Then we'll see about that. (Sucks up Chuck Norris.)

Everyone: Kirby, no!

(A large explosion destroys half the studio.)

MH: Um…we're having some…technical difficulties…with…everything so we'll take an extra long commercial break. *Suck up Chuck Norris, great idea Kirby. He's Chuck Norris for a reason.*

_A/N: Okay, hope you guys liked this chapter. Next up is Pikachu!_


	12. Pikachu

_A/N: Okay, brief recap. Kirby was interviewed. Link got turned into a wolf by Midna and had to get turned back to normal just to prove that he could do it. Kirby also sucked up Chuck Norris then a giant explosion happened. Let's go check on the little guy…_

**Chuck Norris: And that's why no one can take Chuck Norris' powers. I'm the only being in the universe that could handle so much awesomeness.**

**Zelda: I hope Kirby's all right.**

**Celticskyedancer: You should be worried about your husband. He hasn't come back yet.**

**Zelda: And whose fault is that? (Glares at Midna.) **

**Midna: Listen, he was going on and on about how great he was. If he didn't need my help to save your kingdom, he won't need my help to return back to his human form.**

**Roy: Can you turn me into a wolf?**

**Midna: No, but I can turn you into a dead man.**

**Roy: Well I don't want that…**

**Marth: Well I do.**

**Roy: You're my best friend. You don't want that.**

**Marth: Best friends don't try to embarrass and/or kill each other on public television.**

**Roy: Come to think of it, best friends don't let each other get kicked out of video games!**

**Marth: I told you, I put in a good word for you, but Nintendo said no. You can't fight the ultimate authority.**

**Roy: Best friends do.**

**MH: Roy, you got kicked out. Get over it!**

**Celticskyedancer: I'll watch over Kirby while he recovers. I still have to give him a virtual cookie anyways. You guys get back to the interview.**

**(Everyone except Roy groans in pain.)**

**MH: Get going. **

**Everyone: Yes sir.**

Part Twelve: Pikachu

Roy: Welcome back, sorry about the Chuck Norris incident earlier. Help me introduce Pika…aw shit.

(Lightning crashes down on Roy. A figure darts through the audience trailing lightning.)

Pikachu: (lands after a bolt of thunder crashes down on Roy. He cocks his head and winks at the audience all cute-like.) Pika pi.

Audience: Aw. (Hysterical cheers.)

Zelda: That was a nice entrance.

Roy: H-hey Pikach. H-how ya…How ya doing?

Pikachu: You dirty rotten, son of a…(shocks Roy continually.)

Roy: (on the ground twitching.) You're not still mad at me for that Samus' ship incident when I used you as a battery, are you?

Pikachu: (zaps Roy.)

Roy: I take that as a yes. I'm sorry Pikachu! Please forgive me.

Pikachu: …fine.

Roy: Thanks buddy.

Pit: What is the "Samus' ship incident?"

CF: Roy crashed Samus' ship, but used Pikachu as the battery. Samus was pissed off for an entire month.

Zelda: Samus is always pissed off when she's around you.

Pit: Roy, you're suicidal.

Ike: Pit, _you_ took Samus' ship for a joy ride and crashed it.

Pit: I didn't know better at the time. Now I do.

Kirby: (from backstage.) And then you crashed Meta Knight's ship

Pit: Well…it was shiny…and…

Roy: Is it a nice ship?

Marth: No.

Roy: But–

Zelda: No.

Rioy: All I asked–

Mario: No.

Roy: I just–

MH: We all know you want to crash Meta Knight's ship.

Roy: No, I don't. I just want to _fly_ it. I have a driver's license.

Marth: You _had_ a _driver's_ license. You are in no way a pilot, and you are a terrible driver.

Roy: At least I don't driver a Prius.

Ike: Burn!

Marth: you don't _drive_ anything. You _crash_ everything.

Roy: Yeah, yeah…So what does Meta Knight's ship look like?

Marth: (facepalms) You are such a child.

Roy: I beg your pardon.

Marth: You're childish, naïve, young, brash, immature. Take your pick.

Roy: I am not a child!

Marth: Puh-lease. I am a mature adult (flicks hair back), and you are a little boy.

Roy: Then let's settle this the old-fashioned way. (Draws Sword of Seals then chunks it in the audience.) You and me. Hand-to-hand combat. Mono a mono. Winner is the true man.

Marth: Fine (tosses Falchion to the side then dramatically removes his cape. Roy also removes his cape.)

MH: Roy!

Roy: (charges at Marth. He ducks under Marth's attack and jabs his elbow into Marth's chin. Marth stumbles back. Roy follows with a punch; Marth deflects the blow with his forearm and knees Roy in the gut. Marth throws a punch at Roy, but Roy grabs Marth's arm and twists it behind the Altean prince's back. Marth throws all his weight forward quickly, flipping Roy over his back.)

YL: Okay, I'll take over for Roy. How do you like Brawl, Pikachu?

Pichu: Big Brother!!!!!! (Pichu comes running up and tackles Pikachu.) I can't believe I'm seeing you again! This is so amazing! I missed you so much!

Pikachu: Dear Lord, save me!

YL: Hey Pichu, do you wish that you had been included in Brawl?

Pichu: Of course. I miss Pikachu so much. (Said Pikachu is in a headlock and cannot breath.)

YL: I say we get our revenge on Nintendo.

Pichu: Yeah!

MH: Hell no…who's powering the lights?

Pichu: My twin and Plusle and Minus.

MH: Get back to your job. I don't pay you to do nothing.

Pichu: Yes sir.

YL: You're no fun.

MH: Do your job.

YL: Yes sir. So Pikachu, how do you like Brawl?

Pikachu: Well I thought it would be great since Roy wasn't coming back.

Roy: (still fighting Marth.) But you missed me?

Pikachu: No, Pit showed up.

Pit: …Hey!

Zelda: At least Pit knows when he's being insulted.

Mario: It is a blessing.

Kirby: (walks onto stage.) I like Roy.

Ike: (falls on his knees.) Please joing us Kirby.

Kirby: But the cool Sonic look-alike is on Roy's team.

Shadow: The name is Shadow.

Kirby: That's a neat name. I'm Kirby.

Shadow: Whatever.

Pikachu: I am definitely _not_ on Roy's team.

(Marth punches Roy back and then knocks him out.)

Marth: Take that Roy! Oh! (Ducks under Lilina's fireball.) Hey!

Lilina: How dare you hurt Roy!

Marth: He started it.

Sheeda: Yeah, Lilina. Marth just finished it.

Lilina: This is between me and your sissy, pretty fiancé.

Marth: I'm not sissy. And I'm not "pretty," I'm handsome.

Sheeda: Oh shut up Marth. You're pretty; just accept it.

Marth: You know what…(A tired Link shoves past him and falls into a seat next to Zelda.) Are you okay, Link?

Link: Yeah (turns to face Midna). I turned myself back, happy? I had to run full-speed to Ordona. The light spirit changed me back to normal, but not before Uli beat the shit out of me for scaring Colin and her little baby girl.

Zelda: …Uli?

Link: She's actually quite scary.

Zelda: Anything else happen?

Link: Epona told me that if we have a girl, she'd better be named Epona or else she'll kick me so hard I won't be able to have any other children. (All the guys wince.)

Roy: (wakes up. Yeah, he's a fast recoverer.) Who's Epona?

Link: My horse.

Roy: You have a talking horse? That's so awesome!

Link: Not really; I can just talk to my horse in my wolf form.

Marth: Does Wolf know that you can turn into a wolf?

Roy: Who's Wolf?

Marth: Fox's enemy.

YL: How can a kick from Epona prevent you from having children.

Link: I'll tell you when you're older.

YL: You always say that.

Link: Well, you _will_ find out when you're older.

YL: Of course I'll find out when I'm older. If you know something, but I don't, that means I'll find out when I'm older. Duh. I wanna know now!

Marth: Link, just so you know, you give arguing with yourself a whole new mean–

(The studio door flies of its hinges and knocks Marth down. A tall woman with snow white hair and red eyes with a muscular body walks in.)

Impa: Zelda, we have a problem.

Zelda: …What kind of problem?

Impa: Your father just installed a new flat-screen, high-definition television in the castle.

Zelda: And?

Impa: And he's been watching this entire interview…the whole thing…especially the parts with you and Link.

Zelda: Oh.

Link: Well I gotta go save Hyrule from Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: I'm right here.

Link: Well…then Phantom Ganon is obviously out attacking innocent civilians.

Ganondorf: Who told you…I mean *cough, cough*.

Zelda: Link, you get your ass down here this instant. We will face this together.

Link: Every Hylian for him…or herself.

Roy: I'm confused.

MH: No duh.

Zelda: Well, Link and I eloped and father didn't really well…know about it.

Roy: You didn't even tell your own father?

Zelda: *That's kinda what "eloped" means.*

Impa: Well he knows now.

Zelda: My father is not…_fond_ of Link.

Link: Stop being polite, Zel. He hates me with a passion.

Zelda: Link that's…

Link: The absolute truth. Don't deny it.

Zelda: …

King Hyrule: Zelda, can I talk to you for a moment in private?

Zelda: (fakes a smile) …Sure. (Goes outside.)

Roy: Mewtwo, sneak a camera outside.

Mewtwo: No, Zelda would just destroy it, and these things cost money. Interview Pikachu.

Roy: But…aw man. Hey, Pikachu, is Brawl fun?

Pikachu: (shrugs noncommittally.) Yeah.

Roy: Who's your favorite newb.

Pikachu: Well, Zero-Suit Samus is my favorite newcomer. But she's not a newb, and technically she's not a newcomer.

Roy: I didn't think you and Samus would get along.

Pikachu: We got along fine in Melee. Besides, we help each other out in the Subspace Emissary.

Roy: …Say what?

Pikachu: You know…the fight against Tabuu.

Link: (Sees Roy's cluelessness.) They gave Brawl a plot.

Roy: You're kidding, I…(Zelda storms in scowling.)

Zelda: Link, Daddy wants to talk to you.

Link: Promise me you'll be at my funeral.

Zelda: He's not going to kill you.

Link: Just promise me.

Zelda: I promise. (Link swallows hard and leaves.) *Sigh.* So much for the freaking Hero of Courage.

Roy: Hey Zel, what do you do in the Subspace Emissary?

Zelda: Well I get turned into a statue twice, turn evil, break out of the Halbierd with Peach, and nearly get into a life or death fight with Fox. And all before teatime.

Roy: (Has the WTF look on his face.) Okay. So Pikachu, what do you do in the Subspace Emissary.

Pikachu: After Samus rescues me from being used as a battery, I help her get her power suit back. Then we go pwn some bad-guy booty.

Roy: Anyone with a more interesting story?

Pit: I get to help Mario. I had like the biggest role.

Mario: (Whacks Pit.) No, you didn't. Nobody had the biggest role.

Pit: Well excu– (Link and King Hyrule walk back in. Link has a terrified look on his face.)

Zelda: Link, are you okay? What happened?

Link: Your father approved. (Still dazed.)

Zelda: Oh my gosh! Thank you daddy! (Hugs her father.) Link, why are you still acting like that?

Link: Just something your dad said.

Zelda: What did he tell you?

Link: Trust me, Zel; it's best if you don't know.

Roy: Well now that Zelda and Link have their lives sorted out, let's go back to Pikachu. Do you like the new Pokémon?

Pikachu: I like Lucario better than Mewtwo.

Mewtwo: (waves his hand.) No, you don't.

Pikachu: Um, yes I do.

Mewtwo: (waves his hand again.) No, you don't.

MH: What are you, some Jedi?

Mewtwo: Star Wars was a great movie!

Zelda: So was the Three Muskateers. Hey Link, Marth and Roy, do your thing.

Link: No.

Zelda: Aw come on.

Marth: No.

Zelda: For me? (Puppy dog faces Link.)

Link: Fine, all right. I can't say no to that face.

King Hyrule: (to Zelda.) He's whipped.

Zelda: Yep.

L, M, & R: We are (draws their swords and brings them together) the Three Muskateers.

(Studio doors fly open yet again, revealing Ness in a French mime outfit with a beret on his head.)

Ness: (Points at Roy.) You. (In a French accent.)

Roy: Marth, Link, remember? All for one and one…

Marth: Not in a million years.

Link: Sorry Roy, but you're on your own now.

Roy: Now would be the opportune moment for a commercial break. Aaaaaahhh! (Runs off screaming like a little school girl being chased by Ness.)

_A/N: Yeah, hoped you all enjoyed the chapter. Next up is Samus (yes there is a reason why she's at chapter thirteen, Roy's just unlucky.) Anyways, hope you enjoy. You are free to offer suggestions._


	13. Samus

_A/N: So last chapter, Roy interviewed Pikachu (who is still mad at Roy because Roy hijacked Samus' ship and used Pikachu as the battery. Roy then crashed the ship.) Anyways, Link returns from trying to return back to his human (Hylian) form, and later Impa shows up, saying that the King Hyrule now knows about Link and Zelda eloping since he has been watching the entire interview on his brand-new flatscreen TV. (Hey, the Hylians can have technology too.) Anyways, he eventually gives Link and Zelda his approval (after threatening Link in some way.) Roy also learns about the Subspace Emissary, and Ness comes back from France. (He's mad at Roy.) So…_

**Roy: Aaaaaah!**

**Ness: I'll send you to France; how would you like that, sucker boy!**

**Link: Whoa. Did Ness just say…**

**Zelda: No, he said "sucker."**

**Link: Oh. **

**Pit: Well I hope Ness doesn't injure Roy too bad.**

**Marth: It's Roy. He could get run over by a group of speeding bulls and still make a full recovery in a matter of minutes. Trust me, I should know.**

**Ike: Do I want to know how you know?**

**Marth: Roy and I took a trip to Spain with our girlfriends. Roy was trying to be all brave and impress Lilina, and well…I found out arms could bend in surprisingly sick ways.**

**Link: (shudders) Oh, so didn't need that image in my mind.**

**Marth: When you hang out with Roy, pretty soon you become immune to most things grossing you out.**

**Ike: Do I want to know?**

**Pikachu: No, you don't want to know. Roy has made more trips to the emergency room, then I can produce bolts of electricity. And I can produce **_**a lot**_** of electricity.**

**Ike: Is he suicidal?**

**Mario: Sometimes we think so.**

**Zelda: He's just curious.**

**Mewtwo: Curiosity killed the cat.**

**Zelda: Pretty much.**

**Pit: Where's celticskyedancer?**

**Link: I locked her in a closet.**

**(Zelda and several others facepalm.)**

**Link: What?**

**Zelda: Do you ever learn? Never mess with a fanfic author.**

**(celticskyedancer kicks open a random door.) **

**Celticskyedancer: Link!**

**Link: Oh crap!**

**Zelda: Yeah.**

**MH: Someone get Roy back onstage; we're about to go on.**

Part Thirteen: Samus

Roy: Okay. First off, I'd like to welcome Ness back from his…sojourn in Paris.

Ness: (Note: He will have a French accent for the next few chapters.) Sojourn? More like an exile! I didn't want to go to France, but I learned the lingua franca and I did some things at the Moulin Rouge that I'm not proud of. (A flashback finds Ness standing at the foot of a stage with cancan dancers on it going "woot, woot, woot…") But I made it back here, and Roy, I am no longer your friend.

Roy: Fine, Ness. Next we have…(eyes get really wide.) Mommy!

(A figure flips over the audience shooting missiles at the ceiling which explode into blazing fireworks. The figure lands, rolling into a little ball before rolling across stage. The figure then flips out of the morph ball, firing a long beam over the audience. The audience oohs in delight, pulling on shades. Some people pull out hot dogs and marshmallows to roast while one guy even has a bag of popcorn. As the beam fades, the figure's orange armor falls off,k revealing a striking beautiful woman with long blond hair and cold blue eyes clad in a tight, blue bodysuit. Someone cat calls from the audience.)

Samus: (Pulls out her plasma whip/gun.) All right, who just cat called?

(Audience points at a random guy whom Samus shoots on the spot.)

Samus: Any other takers? Good. (She slams her gun into her holster and sits down.)

Link: Don't you think that was a bit violent and uncalled for?

Samus: Of course not. (To Mario) My entrance just beasted yours.

Mario: We'll see Samus.

Roy: (Touching himself.) I'm alive? I'm alive!

Samus: I knew I forgot something. (Blasts a mind by Roy's foot, sending him flying up into the air.)

Pikachu: Samus! (Runs up to sit on her shoulder.)

Samus: (Pets Pikachu) Hey buddy, how ya' doing?

Pikachu: (Makes a content, purr-like sound.)

Roy: H-hey Samus, how…

Samus: Just get the interview over quickly Roy so I won't have to kill you.

Roy: No need to be so rude.

Samus: I have a long list of grievances against you.

CF: (Exiting the little racer's room.) Samus! I missed your entrance? I'm sure it was fabulous just like you are though.

Samus: (rolls her eyes.) Here we go again.

(As Captain Falcon approaches Samus, two police officers hold him back.)

CF: Hey Sammy, what's going on?

Samus: Don't call me Sammy. I filed a restraining order. With the exception of Super Smash Bros. battles, you can't come within twenty meters of me.

CF: But Samus, why?

Samus: If you complain about it, I'll change it to fifty meters.

Roy: Don't you think that's a little extreme?

Samus: I almost filed a restraining order on you, but you can't file restraining orders for inanimate objects, so my ships had to be protected other ways.

Roy: (twitches.) Your ship is here?

Samus: You get anywhere near my ship and you'll set off the land mines.

Roy: But what if a stray dog walks near your ship?

Samus: DNA landmines: the latest in Chozo technology. Only you will set them off.

Roy: Damn it. So Samus, what do like best about Brawl?

Zelda: *Solid Snake, cough, cough.*

Samus: (glares at Zelda.) Well, the competition's fiercer, the battles are more complicated, and Link still sucks.

Link: Hey!

Samus: I like some of the new items.

Zelda: *Solid Snake.*

Samus: What?

Zelda: Admit it Samus, you like Snake.

Samus: No, actually he's one of the reason's I'm not too fond of Brawl.

Zelda: …right.

Samus: Sometimes you are worse than Peach. Why are the two of you constantly trying to find me a boyfriend? I don't need one!

Roy: So Samus, who do you like better: Lucario or Mewtwo?

Samus: I'd actually have to say Mewtwo.

Mewtwo: Finally, a sane person.

Zelda: You only like Mewtwo better because you miss helping him mess with people's dreams.

Samus: You helped us several times. You thought it was funny.

Zelda: Well yes, but…

Roy: Ike or me?

Samus: Do I even have to answer that question? Definitely not you.

Roy: Do you really hate me that much just because I crashed your ship.

Samus: Do you have any clue how much my ship costs?

Roy: No…

Samus: A lot more than your life would ever be worth.

MH: Samus, I'd appreciate it if you don't kill the host.

Samus: And I'd appreciate it if you didn't constantly try to make my life miserable.

MH: (in an offended tone.) I do not; I _do_ try to make Roy's life a living hell, but that's different.

Roy: Hey!

Samus: You did force me to fight without my power suit.

MH: Fans. Not me.

Samus: And you rig matches.

MH: (sounding really hurt.) I do not!

Samus: I've lost three bets in the last week over matches that were hugely in my favor.

MH: Well then those were just some freak accidents.

Samus: Toon Link beating Ganondorf?

Ganondorf: He did rig that match.

MH: I did not.

Zelda: I think you did; I lost a lot of money on that match.

MH: Terribly sorry, but that was not my fault.

Samus: You rigged the Meta Knight versus the Ice Climbers match.

Kirby: Meta Knight should have won that match!

MH: He should have; I agree. However, the Ice Climbers must have just gotten lucky.

Link: You rigged my last ten matches against Samus.

MH: I did, but I rigged those matches in your favor.

Samus: And you still lost.

Link: Shut up.

Samus: And lastly, we have the Ness versus Jigglypuff fight.

MH: (Innocently) And what was wrong with that fight.

Ness: Bombs do not just rain from the sky unless it's a Sudden Death Match. It was not a Sudden Death Match! I should have won that match! (Cusses in French.)

Zelda: Ness!

Ness: What? Not my fault that I can speak French fluently now. Blame Roy.

Zelda: Oh vraiment? (Oh really?)

Ness: Ce n'est pas que dur à apprendre. (It's not that hard to learn.)

Roy: English please! So Sammy…

Samus: _Do not_ call me Sammy.

Roy: Okay…who's your favorite newb?

Zelda: Solid Snake.

Samus: Hell no. Definitely not Snake. Probably R.O.B.

Roy: Really? Why?

Samus: He fixed my ship after Pit and Toon Link took it on a joy ride. (Glares at said angel.)

Pit: (nervously.) It was an accident.

Samus: I don't care. If it happens again, there will be a funeral.

Link: That's a little extreme, and impossible since Pit is immortal.

Samus: What would you do if Pit killed Epona by taking her on a joyride?

Link: Pit, if that happens, there will be a funeral regardless of the fact that you can't die.

Roy: So who do you not like?

Samus: Snake.

Zelda: De-nial (in unison with Link, Ike, Marth, Pit, and Ness. Yes, they will continue to say this line in unison for a while.

Samus: Zelda, are you trying to start something?

Zelda: I'm trying to get you to admit something.

Roy: Who else do you not like?

Samus: Wario, but nobody likes him. Pit and Toon Link.

Pit: It was an accident! I'm sorry!

Samus: I'm not too fond of Dedede.

Kirby: (In a cute, matter-of-fact voice.) I hate Dedede.

Samus: And I'm not too fond of Diddy Kong.

Roy: Why?

Samus: Long story involving truth or dare, missiles, and virgin margaritas which weren't really virgin.

Roy: Ooh, what happened?

Samus: You don't want to know.

Roy: Come on.

Ike: Hey Roy, don't bother.

Roy: Do you know what happened?

Ike: The whole Mansion knows what happened.

Roy: Hey Pit, what happened?

Pit: I don't want to talk about it.

Roy: Hey Link…

Link: No.

Roy: I wanna know!

Marth: *sigh* Remember your little drunk "incident" last year?

Roy: I try not to.

Marth: This was ten times worse.

Mario: _At least_ ten times worse.

CF: Actually, I'm pretty sure it was worse than that.

Roy: (Almost wincing.) How much worse?

Marth: Half the Mansion.

Roy: He destroyed half the Mansion!

Samus: No. He _obliterated_ half the Mansion…at least. He leveled another third and probably caused thousands of dollars in damage to Captain Falcon's car collection.

CF: Little twerp.

Roy: What happened to Samus' ship?

Samus: Oh it escaped Diddy Kong's rampage, but only because Pit and Toon Link decided to sneak out and take it for a joyride at that time.

Pit: You hold grudges for a long time.

Samus: (shrugs) Just part of my nature.

Roy: Why did Diddy Kong…

Ike: We were playing Truth or Dare.

Roy: And drinking margaritas? But alcohol is not allowed at the Mansion!

Samus: We thought they were virgin margaritas.

Ike: We didn't know Snake had sneaked in the good stuff.

MH: Ike…

Ike: Yes?

MH: You'll be suspended if you continue to drink underage.

Ike: Samus drinks also.

Samus: _Occasionally._ Besides, I'm twenty-three. It's not illegal.

Ike: They should change the drinking age to eighteen.

MH: Then we'd unleash a flood of chaos upon the Mansion.

Roy: Anything else interesting happen during Truth or Dare?

Link: Snake had to kiss Samus.

Roy: And…

Samus: I broke his arm.

Link: It was a _dare._

Samus: Oh I let him kiss me, but you never said I couldn't hurt him afterwards,

Zelda: It's a dare; it's implied that you can't.

Samus: Well I prefer explicit instructions.

Roy: Who dared Snake to make out with Samus?

SAmus: Ganondorf. (Glares at said Gerudo King.)

Ganondorf: Well Samus almost killed me afterwards, but it was worth it…

Zelda: Yep.

Ganondorf: Seeing as you and Peach paid me to do it.

Samus: What? I never heard about that. (To Zelda) You _paid_ him to dare Snake?

Zelda: Well yes, but someone else would have done it otherwise.

Samus: But you _paid_ him.

Zelda: You'll thank me for this later.

Samus: Oh that's it.

Link: (steps between Zelda and Samus.) Please don't start something Samus. Zelda's going to have a baby.

Samus: Oh really? Congratulations. (To Zelda) We finish this in nine months.

Zelda: Fine with me. (To Link) You're really overprotective.

Link: I just care for you and our baby.

Zelda: You're sweet.

Roy: Enough mushy stuff. Hey Samus, do you miss me?

Samus: I believe I have made it blatantly obvious that I hate you.

Roy: You've made it obvious that you dislike me. Hate is such a strong word.

Samus: I have strong reasons.

Roy: But surely you must miss me just a little.

Samus: I miss you pranking Captain Falcon.

CF: Surely you don't mean that.

Samus: I mean it solemnly.

CF: Samus…why?

Samus: Get it through your thick, helmeted head. I _hate_ you!

CF: De-nial. (Oddly enough _no one_ says this line with him. Strange.)

Marth: Hey Captain Falcon.

CF: Yes, pretty boy?

Marth: De-nial. (Oddly enough, Roy and Samus _do_ say this line with Marth in unison.)

Roy: Okay. We really need to stop saying "denial" in unison.

Marth: Yeah. It's beginning to get creepy.

Zelda: I think it's funny…and creepy.

Samus: It's only because "denial" is such a predictable, overused line.

Mewtwo: Still, that shouldn't lead to perfect synchronization. It's like for five seconds, everyone is on the same brain wave.

Marth: Is this your doing?

Mewtwo: I have better uses for my talents than making you all say "denial" in unison.

Samus: I'm surprised you didn't make it back to Brawl.

Mewtwo: I'm surprised as well.

Roy: Where you surprised that I didn't make it back as well?

Samus: No.

Roy: What?

Samus: You were annoying, a prankster. You always seemed to leave a trail of wreckage in your wake, and you just plain suck. (On "just plain suck," Samus Z-snaps Roy.)

Lilina: (leaps to her feet.) Oh, you did _not_ just Z-snap my boyfriend.

Samus: (hands on her hips.) And what if I did? What are you going to do about it?

Roy: …What the hell is a Z-snap? How can you snap letters?

Marth: (facepalms) Deities, let's not get into this.

Lilina: (In a dangerously low voice.) Take back that Z-snap.

Samus: I don't have to take back anything.

Lilina: Take it back.

Samus: Make me.

Lilina: (Z-snaps) Oh that's it. You're going down sister. Elfire! (Samus and Lilina get into a giant catfight.)

Roy: …Wait. I'm still confused. What's a Z-snap? You can't snap letters. Can you?

Marth: Sheeda, you're a girl. Explain to Roy what a Z-snap is.

Sheeda: A Z-snap is when a girl *or Marth* snaps three times in a Z-shape. It's used either as a diss or an "oh no she didn't" remark. But you can snap more than just Z. There's an A-snap, an M-snap, an N-snap, and my personal favorite – the H-snap. You can all in people's faces with an H-snap.

Roy: Oh…wait. So Samus insulted me with her words _and_ her Z-snap?

Link: You got double-dissed.

Marth: I don't Z-snap.

Sheeda: You did a week ago.

Marth: I was mocking Ellis.

Sheeda: That doesn't change the fact that you pulled off the Z-snap just like a sassy girl would.

Ike: Yeah Marth. You're just a sassy, girly guy.

Link: Maybe Marth isn't gay; maybe Sheeda is a lesbian.

Sheeda and Marth: What!?

Sheeda: Oh that's it, elf boy. (Begins kicking the crap out of Link.)

Link: Zelda, save me!

Zelda: You deserve this.

Samus: (Throws Lilina into a wall) Sorry, sweetheart.

Roy: Die Samus! (Roy charges at Samus; she ducks under his sword attack, punching him in the face and kneeing him in the gut. Roy falls to the ground unconscious.)

MH: Oh Samus…

Samus: (innocently) What?

MH: I believe I let you attack Roy once.

Samus: …And?

MH: You know the punishment.

Samus: …No.

MH: You don't have a choice. You_ agreed_ to it.

Samus: (in a low voice) I hate you. (Walks offstage.)

Link: What does Samus have to do?

MH: Oh you'll see. (He would be smirking if he had a face.)

(Samus walks onstage minutes later in a short, black halter dress and stiletto heels. The Audience is shocked into silence. She winks at Captain Falcon.)

Samus: Hey there, big boy.

(All the blood gushes out of his nose, and he falls backward, soul leaving his body.)

Pit: (stands up) I'll go get him back.

Samus: We can wait a few minutes before we get him…or a few hours.

Pit: Works for me.

MH: Well that's all fine and dandy, but our host in unconscious.

YL: I'll interview Samus! (Bell rings for commercial break.) Damn it.

Link: Okay, time to wash your mouth out with soap.

YL: Never! (Runs off.)

Mist: Let's play ERS.

Marth: ERS gets boring after a while when you never win.

Ellis: Then let's play BS!

Pit: I suck at BS, since I can't lie.

Samus: I say we play Shithead. (She receives the "WTF" look from everybody.) What? That's what it's called; it's an Irish card game.

Ike: Well I'm game! (Everyone except Link, Young Link, and Crazy join. Link is still chasing Young Link around, trying to wash his mouth out with soap.)

_A/N: Okay, hope everyone enjoyed the chapter so far. I hope I got the French right (I put the translation to the side, obviously.) If someone sees that I got it wrong, please correct me. This was one of my favorite chapters to write. Next up is Celeste – an OC a friend of mine (Thornbeak) begged me to put in. Hope you don't mind._


	14. Celest

_A/N: Okay, here's the quick recap. Roy interviewed Samus and got blown up during her entrance. She is mad at Roy for crashing her ship and at Master Hand for rigging matches (which he denies.) Also, Roy learns a little bit about a truth or dare match that ended up with half the mansion blown up because Snake sneaked in non-virgin "virgin" margaritas. Anyways, Samus z-snaps Roy which infuriates LIlina so the two get in a cat fight. After Samus beats Lilina, she takes out an enraged Roy. However, apparently Master Hand only let Samus attack Roy once so she has to wear a halter dress and flirt with Captain Falcon as punishment. This ends up in Captain Falcon dying of blood loss due to his massive nosebleed._

_Note: Yes this chapter is about an OC. This is Thornbeak's character Celest. You can read about her in her story Lies of a Banshee or something like that. (It's a Super Smash Bros. story with a bit of a Ben 10 crossover.)_

**MH: So we'll just store the late Captain's body in here for now.**

**Link: We're going to run out of** **janitor's closets pretty soon.**

**Zelda: We'll worry about that when the time comes. (To Samus) I still can't believe you did that.**

**Samus: I didn't really have much of a choice. It was either that or let Roy drive my ship as an apology.**

**Zelda: Oh.**

**Samus: So I'm not letting that son of dragon wreck my ship again.**

**MH: Celticskyedancer, will you watch over Captain Falcon's body while we continue with the interview?**

**Celticskyedancer: Sure, why?**

**MH: So people don't mutilate it.**

**Celticskyedancer: Ew gross. Who would do that?**

**MH: I can think of a few people.**

**Celticskyedancer: Seriously. That's disgusting.**

**MH: Anyone know where Roy went?**

**Marth: Yeah he was just here a second...ago. Well that can't be good.**

**(The studio wall crashes down, revealing an army of rainbow Roy clones.)**

**MH: What the hell is this?**

**Red Roy: I am tired of you all beating me up, picking on me, and harassing me. So me and all my clones will enact our revenge!**

**MH: Roy...**

**Green Roy: ATTACK!**

**(The rainbow Roys rush forward, getting in a major fight with all the Brawlers.)**

**MH: We're on in five; hope you can wrap this up by then.**

Part Fourteen: Celest

Link: Ow. I think seven yellow Roys broke something.

Ike: You didn't get mauled by a psycho green one.

Samus: I didn't have a problem with my Roys.

Roy: You all had it coming. (Putting on a happy face.) Okay. I guess Captain Falcon died, and we're reviving him…

Samus: Later. Much later.

Roy: Okay. Next we have…who the heck in Celestial?

(The lights go out and two black and purple flames shoot into the air. Two laser shots fire and the flames dissipate, falling back to the ground like fireworks. The lights return, and a girl with lock black hair in a loose ponytail, purple eyes flecked with gold and silver, and tan skin can be seen standing behind Roy. She is wearing a brown top under a shorter grey top with a brown and grey slit skirt, grey boots and gloves, and a purple cape with a diagonal hem. Roy is looking in the opposite direction. )

Roy: Where's this Celestial?

Celest: It's Celest.

Roy: (Turns around and freaks out dramatically falling to the floor.) Where did you come from?

Celest: Backstage. (Looking at him like duh, where else would I come from.) My name is Celest.

Roy: But it says here that it's Celestial.

Celest: I refuse to answer to Celest.

Roy: But Celestial is such a pretty name.

Celest: (Draws her saber.) No, it's not.

Marth: Nice saber; still can't find a real sword?

Celest: Nice tiara; still sick of being a guy? (Someone cat calls from the audience and Celest shoot him.)

Link: You've been spending way too much time with Samus.

Celest: Sue me; although I'm pretty sure I'd win that battle.

Roy: Hey Celest, BTW your entrance was awesome.

Pit: I know. (Stares love struck at Celest.)

Roy: (Waves his hand in front of Pit's face. He stares at Link, Ike and Marth while pointing at Pit. They shrug.)

Marth: You only liked the entrance because it had fire in it.

Roy: I'm a pyro. Sue me.

Marth: I'm pretty sure I'd win that battle in court.

Roy: Is that a challenge?

Celest: (Sets Marth on fire.) Let the red-head interview me.

Roy: So what video game are you from?

Celest: I'm not a video game character. I was an original character created by the author Thornbeak for a Ben 10/ Ben 10 Alien Force fanfic, but ended up in a Brawl one instead.

Roy: …So why am I interviewing you?

Celest: Thornbeak has connections.

Roy: Okay. Is life at the Mansion fun? I mean, of course it's fun, but do you think it's fun?

Celest: We play some intense Truth or Dare.

Roy: I assume you're referring to the Diddy Kong incident.

Mario: Celest is the cause of the Diddy Kong incident.

Celest: Not fair. I only dared him to try on Samus' power suit. It's not my fault the missile launcher malfunctioned.

Samus: Wasn't my fault either.

Celest: I didn't say it was. And it's not my fault the margaritas were non-virgin. That was Snake's fault.

Roy: How did Snake sneak the margaritas in?

Samus: We're still trying to figure that out.

Mario: We had hired two Final Fantasy guys as guards – a spiky blond guy with a cool seven-part sword and a guy with long silver hair and a freaking long sword.

Roy: How long is a freaking long sword?

Mario: At least twice your height.

Roy: (Whistles in admiration.) Wow. That's long.

Link: No duh.

Marth: Maybe Celest should start using that sword.

Celest: Maybe Marth should start wearing a real crown.

Ellis: He wears the tiara to remember me.

Celest: …Marth's sister story is true?

Roy: Apparently. So, how do you think Snake sneaked the margaritas in?

Samus: He probably used a cardboard box. He's in love with cardboard boxes.

Ike: I really don't care how Snake got them in. All I know is that they were really good margaritas. I mean _damn_ good margaritas.

Samus: I actually have to agree with Ike on this. I don't know where Snake got them, but they were good.

Roy: I can't see Samus getting drunk.

Samus: I didn't get drunk, but I did enjoy the drinks. Ike and Snake got drunk. So did Diddy Kong and… Link. *snicker.*

Roy: What?

Zelda and Celest: *Snicker.*

Roy: What is so funny about Link getting drunk?

Link: I woke up very confused, upside down, my feet glued to the ceiling. In a dress.

Sam, Zel and Cel: (Die laughing.)

Roy: Oh be nice. Anything else happen to the drunkies?

Celest: Nothing as funny.

Roy: Nothing else happened?

Ike: Someone thought it would be funny if I woke up hugging a Marth doll.

Roy: They did that to you too?

Ness: You were supposed to wake up hugging a Marth, but Marth didn't get drunk enough for it to work.

Ike: Ness, you have a sick mind for a ten-year-old.

Ness: I've been around you guys for a long time.

Link: We may have shattered Ness' innocence during the first tournament.

Mario: I blame Samus and Captain Falcon.

Samus: You can't shield them forever.

Mario: That's not the point.

Samus: Does it look like I care? I haven't spoiled any other kid's innocence. Besides, Ness shattered his own innocence.

Celest: (rolls her eyes.) Isn't someone supposed to interview me?

Roy: We really don't get a lot accomplished.

Celest: I can see that.

Roy: So Celest, tell the audience a little about yourself.

Celest: Let's see…I'm part elf, part banshee.

Roy: Neat.

Celest: You really think so?

Roy: Yeah. I'm half dragon.

Celest: You don't look half dragon?

Roy: I'm a pyro.

Celest: Guess you are half dragon.

Roy: Do you like pranks?

Celest: I don't know. Not when I'm the victim. I do like scaring people. (She grins evilly at Ness; he shrieks in terror and hides behind his seat.) BTW, why is Ness wearing a beret?

Ness: (He still has a French accent.) I got blasted to France and learned how to speak the language of love.

YL: Too bad you don't have a girlfriend. (He flaunts his girls.)

Celest: (to Link) Why does the mini-you have about six girls?

Link: Long story.

Ness: Hello ladies.

Marin: He's so dreamy. (All of Young Link's girls flock to Ness.)

YL: What? Come back. Ness, you *bleep*.

Mario: What was that?

Mewtwo: I solved the language issue. Introducing, the Bleeper.

YL: What's a Bleeper?

Samus: It bleeps every *bleep* word you *bleep* say so you can *bleep* cuss all you *bleep* want.

Ness: Awesome.

Celest: (to Samus) You're abusing the power of the bleeps.

Samus: Since when do you care?

Celest: I don't; I'm just throwing that out there.

Roy: Hey Celest, do you want to join me and my minions on the dark side?

Kirby: Minions?

MH: Me and?

(Everyone on Marth's team is indicating that Celest should say no.)

Celest: I don't have to choose a side, do I?

Roy: …I guess not. Why?

Celest: I don't like being pressured into picking sides.

Link: We don't pressure you.

Celest: You all practically forced me to be on the good side.

Roy: You wanted to be a villain?

Celest: I wanted to be neutral. Some people (glares at Link and Marth) decided that wasn't good enough.

Samus: Yeah, but you belong on the hero's side.

Celest: Well…(glares at Ness. He cowards in fear.)

Vilgax: I beg to disagree.

Celest: Who let you in?

Vilgax: I let myself in.

Celest: You're not supposed to be allowed in.

Vilgax: Tell that to the guards outside. They were fast asleep.

Mario: Last time we hire Final Fantasy guards.

MH: Shut up; they're cheap and desperate.

Celest: What are you doing here?

Vilgax: You know why I'm here.

Celest: For the billionth time, I will not work for you.

Vilgax: For the billionth time, I am not giving you a choice. (He pushes the button on a low-sonar device, sending out a low-pitch tone.)

Celest: (Shrieks in agony, causing everyone to wince in pain. She collapses to the ground.)

Samus: (shoots Vilgax.)

Celest: (Weakly) Thanks Samus.

Link: (to Samus) You could have shot him before our eardrums died a slow and painful death.

Samus: Be grateful I managed to get a shot off at all.

Roy: (Hands over ears.) What the *bleep* was that.

Celest: A banshee shriek. It's my form of self-defense, but it doesn't work against a low tone.

Roy: That's some messed up self-defense.

Celest: It's much more effective than a shield or sword.

Roy: What weapons do you fight with?

Celest: I use a rapier, a laser gun, and a whip.

Roy: What use is a whip in fighting?

Zelda: I don't know; talk to me about several of your matches against Sheik.

Roy: That's a chain; it's different.

Zelda: Not really.

Roy: A whip is a weak weapon.

Samus: Do you want to disillusion him Celest, or may I use my plasma whip on him. (Roy gulps.)

MH: Samus, if you kill Roy then you have to wear that halter dress for the rest of the interview.

Samus: Why can everyone else attack Roy except me?

MH: Because I know you will kill him.

Samus: Marth and Ike have tried to kill him several times already, and then their girlfriends get into a giant catfight.

Pit: (still staring at Celest) She's got the basic context of this show down.

Celest: A whip is actually quite a useful weapon. Ever seen Indiana Jones?

Roy: That's Hollywood. A newb like you couldn't use a whip effectively.

Celest: (Her hands glow with black and purple fire while one eye turns silver and the other eye turns gold. She takes a deep, calming breath before flicking her whip towards Roy, the tip of her whip coming within inches of Roy's eye. He cries out in surprise.) Newb?

Roy: Do you prefer newcomer?

Celest: I prefer Smasher.

Pikachu: All newcomers are dubbed newbs except for Zero-Suit Samus because technically she's not new, and she's definitely not a newbie.

Celest: Well, I'm not a newb.

Link: Compared to most of us, you are a newb.

Celest: I appreciate your appraisal of my skills, Link.

Roy: But he insulted you. (Just when you think he gets sarcasm…)

Celest: (to Samus) Is he for real?

Samus: Roy is an idiot.

Roy: Hey!

Samus: Well it's true.

Roy: I know what sarcasm is.

Marth: Shut up; you haven't even known what sarcasm means for twenty-four hours.

Roy: Sh!

Celest: Remind me to kill Thornbeak for making me go through with this.

Roy: You've got to be careful with authors.

Celest: You just worry about celticskyedancer. She can't do anything to me without Thornbeak's permission.

Link: Good thing celticskyedancer is friends with Thornbeak.

Celest: Whatever.

Roy: You're not scared?

Celest: I haven't done anything to earn an author's wrath.

Roy: Then I guess we'll have to find a way to change that.

Marth: Define "we."

Roy: Somebody should want to help me.

Kirby: We all like Celest too much.

Roy: You can't already like her that much. She's an OC!

Pikachu: We like her better than you.

Ness: That's debatable. (Celest grins menacingly at him, and he cowers in terror.)

Roy: (Glares at Celest.) There is no way that you can be more popular than me.

Celest: Not my fault if you make lots of enemies.

Roy: Listen girly…

Celest: (Her eyes change to gold and silver.) Girly?

Roy: Dude, what happened to your eyes?

Celest: (Takes a calming breath) Sorry. (Her eyes return to normal.)

Roy: Dude, you have freaky eyes.

Celest: I know; drop the subject.

Roy: Why don't you want to talk about your eyes?

Celest: It's just something that happens when I use magic.

Roy: How 'bout you tell the audience about your eyes?

Celest: How 'bout I shoot you in the face?

Roy: I'll change the subject.

Celest: Good choice.

Roy: Why do you have a medieval rapier and a high-tech laser gun?

Celest: I like having a very unique fighting style. Varying my weapons keeps my opponents on their toes.

Link: Seeing as you fall flat on your face whenever you're on your toes.

Celest: That's why you helped me with my balance.

Marth: I believe Link is insinuating that you suck.

Celest: (sarcastically) Oh really? I didn't notice.

Roy: And you guys say that I'm an idiot.

Celest: What did you just call me?

Marth: Roy, she was being sarcastic. *He's dead.*

Roy: I didn't call you anything. I might have insinuated something, but I never called you anything.

Celest: (Eyes change color.) You little punk! (She sets Roy on fire.)

Roy: Dude! This is so awesome!

Marth: Seeing as your flesh is being burnt off your skin.

Roy: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Celest: Again – is he for real?

MH: Sadly yes.

Celest: Well at least some of us have common sense.

Mewtwo: Well those few are a floating hand, a Hylian princess, a disgruntled Italian doctor, a banshee-elf hybrid…

Celest: Hey!

Mewtwo: …and myself, a vaguely humanoid Pokémon.

Celest: You must be Mewtwo; I have heard both good and bad things about you. Now I can form my own opinion.

Mewtwo: How about you join Marth and me on the Dark Side? (Darth Vader's menacing breathing comes out of nowhere.)

Celest: Roy said he was one the Dark Side.

MH: Roy is an idiot.

Mewtwo: We called it first.

Celest: Maybe we should form a third party with just us smart people.

Mewtwo: Tempting…

MH: Who would be on this team?

Celest: All the common sense people.

Mewtwo: Then Samus can't be on this team.

Celest: Why not? She has common sense.

MH: Her common sense is overpowered by her anger-management issues.

Celest: Oh.

MH: I say we make a secret third party for the smart people, but it has to stay secret so that no one catches on.

Celest: But what we'll our purpose be?

Mewtwo: Since the idiots onstage are trying to humiliate each other, we need to humiliate them. But we have to make it look like we're on Marth's side *which is technically my side.*

Celest: Or no one's side in my case.

Zelda: You have to choose a side eventually.

MH: How long have you been mentally eavesdropping on us?

Zelda: Ever since the beginning of this conversation.

Roy: Hey newb get over here!

Celest: What did you just call me! (Sets Roy on fire again.) That's it! Marth, I'm on your team.

Pit: Well see ya Roy.

Roy: What! *Ow* You just can't *ow* just switch sides *ow.*

Pit: That was never a rule. Besides, Celest is on the blue team. Looks like I'm joining the Light Side.

Marth: The Dark Side. We're the Dark Side.

Ike: Shut up.

Celest: You can't both be the Dark Side.

Marth: Technically we called it before Roy even had a team.

Roy: Pit, you traitor! You were our spy!

Link: What! You lied to us. (To Ike) You said he couldn't lie.

Ike: He can't!

Pit: _Roy _didn't send me to spy on you. Shadow sent me to _eavesdrop_. Technically I didn't lie.

Ike: You twisted the truth! That's too good and evil for Pit to come up with by himself.

Shadow: You're right. It was my plan.

Marth: So we have Mewtwo for our brains, and they have Shadow?

Link: Apparently.

Ike: (to Pit) How smart is Shadow?

Pit: Not as smart as Mewtwo, but still smart.

Roy: Pit you traitor!

Pit: Sorry Roy.

Celest: Why thank you Pit for joining the Blue Team.

Pit: (Love struck) You're welcome.

Roy: (to Celest) I can't believe you; how dare you steal Pit, you witch.

Celest: (Hands catch on fire.) Oh that's it; come back here you little punk!

Marth: *Sigh* Roy will never learn. He is such an idiot.

MH: Should we replace Roy if he starts getting beat up too bad?

Mario: Probably.

Link: Hey Mario, can you sort something out for me and Zel?

MH: It's not "me and"; it's never "me and."

Mario: What's the problem?

Zelda: Link seems to think that every Legend of Zelda game needs me to be a damsel in distress.

Mario: Well kidnapped princesses are a Nintendo trademark.

Link: See.

Zelda: I spent most of Ocarina of Time as Sheik.

Link: Yeah, but you were a damsel in distress as Zelda. Besides, Sheik's a guy so…

(After throwing Link into the wall, an enraged Zelda glares at him furiously.)

Zelda: Sheik is a girl and you know it.

Mario: Sheesh. You're a little touchy about that subject aren't you?

Zelda: Just a bit.

Mario: Anyways, you and Peach just stick to getting kidnapped and all will be fine.

Zelda: Well then I'm going to Shigeru Miyamoto to change the status quo.

Mario and Link: Wait! You can't do that!

YL: Join us after these commercial breaks.

_A/N: Okay I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter. I will give virtual cookies to whoever can guess which Final Fantasy guys I was referring to (it's not that hard.) Also, a special thanks to Supa Artemis and Supa Cheyenne for letting me borrow the rainbow Roy clones. Thanks to all my awesome reviewers as well. You guys encourage me to keep writing this. (You all deserve some thanks.) Next up is Bowser!_


	15. Bowser

_A/N: Thanks for all the reviews so far; I'm glad everyone has enjoyed the story. Last chapter Roy interviewed Celest – Thornbeak's OC. Anyways she joined Marth's side after burning Roy (she controls fire) and Pit left Roy's team for Marth's team. (He likes Celest.) So…_

**MH: Well?**

**Celest: Well what?**

**MH: What am I going to do with you? I can't have you damaging our host.**

**Celest: Hasn't stopped Ike, Marth, Link, or Samus.**

**MH: Well I've taken care of Samus.**

**Celest: I don't get what the big deal is.**

**MH: Of course you don't. Roy already wastes enough time as it is. You torturing him would just waste more time. I need some kind of punishment so that you won't be tempted to waste an entire hour setting Roy on fire…even if it was funny as hell.**

**Celticskyedancer: She could go on a formal date with Pit.**

**Celest: You are not my owner; **_**you**_** cannot do anything to me.**

**Celticskyedancer: Hey Thornbeak, can I keep Celest in my story and keep torturing her every so often?**

**Thornbeak: I don't know…**

**Celticskyedancer: Here's twenty bucks.**

**Thornbeak: Okay! Have fun Celest!**

**Celest: What?! You can't just leave me here! No, wait! Come back!**

**Pit: Don't worry Celest. We'll have loads of fun.**

**Celest: Samus, just shoot me now.**

**Samus: I am not wasting my ammo on you.**

**Celest: You have a laser gun; it doesn't use ammo.**

**Samus: (shrugs.)**

**Celest: Thornbeak, when I get my hands on you…**

**MH: We're on in five!**

Part Fifteen: Bowser

MH: Okay, Roy will be back in fifteen minutes so Young Link will temporarily be the host. Celest is also no longer allowed to attack Roy or else she'll have to go on a formal date with Pit.

Celest: I hate you.

Link: Well Thornbeak agreed to it.

Celest: Only because celticskyedancer _paid_ her.

MH: Anyways, please help me welcome Young Link to the stage.

YL: Yeah, that's right. I'm bad. Uh huh, oh yeah.

(Celest throws a book at Young Link. Not only does he fall down, but the regular Link falls out of his chair also.)

Celest: What just happened?

Mario: Whatever happened to Young Link happens to the normal Link.

(Celest glances sideways at Samus. A mischievous grin spreads between them.)

MH: No. Don't even think about it.

YL: Please help me welcome Bowser!

Mario: *Bleep.* (Everyone looks at him.)

(The Koopa King comes flying in, swirling in his turtle shell, fire coming from the holes. He spins a few times on the stage before popping out with an evil laugh.)

Bowser: Hey Mario, how ya doing? Why's Young Link hosting the show…and Mewtwo rolling the cameras, and Dr. Mario backstage, and…

Young Link: Us rejects is running the show.

MH: He's worse than Roy when it comes to grammar.

Bowser: And Young Link's the host?

Mario: Actually Roy is, but Dr. Mario is taking care of him after Celest gave him third-degree burns.

(Bowser gives her a thumbs-up.)

YL: So Bowser, do you like Brawl?

Bowser: I guess.

YL: Do you miss me?

Bowser: Technically you are in Brawl. (Points to Link.) Why are all the little Zelda girls with Ness? (Camera shows Ness with Young Zelda, Midna, Ruto, Marin, Malon, Nabooru, Ilia and normal Saria.)

Ness: Well they were all with Young Link, but my French accent is such a turn on.

Zelda girls: He's so dreamy.

Zelda: I'm slightly sickened.

Link: That's just morning sickness, dear.

Bowser: You two are having a baby? Somebody's been busy. Is Ganondorf the godfather?

Link: *bleep* no.

Zelda: I mean I'm sickened by the fact that as Sheik, Ness and I are mortal enemies, but the young me is cuddling him. Also, I end up with you anyways.

Link: Then you've got nothing to worry about.

Bowser: By the way, since when has Ness had a French accent?

Ness: Ever since Roy blasted me to France. I fart in his general direction.

Zelda: Who's the idiot who showed Ness Monty Python and the Holy Grail? (All eyes turn to Link.) It was you?

Link: I muted it any time a cuss word would have been heard, and I completely skipped the scene with Sir Galahad.

Ness: I watched the entire movie afterwards on YouTube.

Zelda: (Whacks Link upside the head.)

Link: I don't think I deserved that one.

Zelda: I think you did. Did you do anything else with Ness?

Link: Nope.

Mario: You showed him an episode of Sex in the City.

Zelda: (punches Link.)

Link: Okay, I might have deserved that one. And it was only part of an episode, and it wasn't that bad. Besides he just walked in the middle of the episode anyways. I didn't mean to show him.

Zelda: You shouldn't be watching that show anyways.

Ness: And we went on a panty raid.

Zelda: (Punches Link with enough magically imbued force to send Link through the brick wall of the studio into the brick wall of the neighboring building, right next to the crater Roy made earlier.)

Pit: I suppose you didn't deserve that one.

Link: Nope, I did deserve that one.

Zelda: Duh.

YL: Okay, so Bowser, what exactly has my older self been doing at the Mansion.

Bowser: What he usually does.

YL: "What he usually does." Great, that helps. Got any dirt on him?

Bowser: No. Got any dirt on Mario?

YL: I could make up some junk.

Bowser: No good; I need real dirt.

Mario: Go dig a hole.

Bowser: Why don't you dig a hole, throw yourself in, and let us bury you alive and do us all a favor?

Mario: Why don't you go throw yourself in some lava?

Bowser: How 'bout I throw you into some lava?

Mario: Not if I throw you in first.

(Bowser and Mario get into a giant fight.)

MH: Young Link, fix the problem.

YL: Hey Zelda, please come back. (He falls on his knees.)

MH: Not _that_ problem.

Young Zelda: Not unless you get a French accent like _Ness_.

Link: Don't worry mini-me; she'll come back.

YL: (sobs) No she won't.

Link: Hello! (Points to himself and Zelda.) We are _married_. We are going to have a _baby._

(The studio doors fly open.)

Roy: I have arrived.

Ike: Dear Ashunera.

Marth: I hate my life.

Lilina: Roy! (She tackles him to the ground.)

MH: And she's finally forgiven him for the Sheeda comment.

Roy: Lilina…can't breathe.

Lilina: Oh sorry.

Bowser: So you're the infamous Lilina. *Snicker.*

Lilina: (Turns bright red.) Why didn't you stop them from telling dirty jokes about me?

Roy: I did try.

Marth: You actually didn't try that hard.

Roy: Shut up.

Lilina: (Slugs Roy and storms off.)

MH: And now she's mad at him again.

Roy: Wait, Lilina. Come back.

YL: So Bowser, how…(Roy sends him flying into the audience.)

Roy: I get the people on stage.

Link: (Picking himself off the ground.) *Bleep.*

Roy: So Bowser, is Brawl better than Melee?

Bowser: Well I thought it would be better when you didn't return, but then Pit showed up.

Pit: Hey!

Zelda: Roy is actually a lot worse than Pit. He has only crashed Samus' ship that one time.

Bowser: Pit will get good over time. And if Samus is pissed, everyone will suffer.

Samus: *Bleep* right.

Bowser: Why'd we install a bleeper?

Samus: So we can *bleep* say whatever we *bleep* want whenever we *bleep* feel like it.

Celest: Again, you're abusing the power of the bleeps.

Samus: Again, since when do you care?

Celest: Well…I just feel like you shouldn't abuse the powers of the bleeps. You might scar some little kid.

Bowser: The only kids we will scar are the Pokémon Trainer, Lucas, and Toon Link. We already spoiled Ness, Young Link, and the Ice Climbers.

Celest: You seem so proud of it.

Bowser: I make it my goal in life to spoil children.

Celest: You are a sick, sick giant turtle thing.

Roy: So Bowser, which newcomers do you like?

Bowser: Wolf, Dedede, R.O.B., and probably Snake.

Roy: Why Snake?

Bowser: He can sneak in some *bleep* good margaritas.

Roy: Which newbs do you hate?

Bowser: I don't like Zero-Suit Samus.

Samus: Who cares? You don't like the normal me.

Bowser: I don't like Ike, Pit, or Toon Link.

Ike: I'm insulted.

Bowser: What? You're heroes; nothing personal.

Pit: Well I guess you have a point.

Bowser: I don't like Diddy Kong, even if he can be amusing. I hate Lucas.

Ness: Well, he is a wussy.

Bowser: I'm not too fond of the Pokémon Trainer or Lucario.

Mewtwo: Thank you.

Roy: Got any plans to defeat Mario?

Bowser: I'll give you only three details – it involves Sonic, Shadow, and lots of explosions.

Mario: Great! Now I know what to expect.

Bowser: You won't even see it coming. Trust me.

Mario: And why's that?

Shadow: I'm just that good.

Link: Yeah, but Sonic's better.

Shadow: No. No he's not.

Link: He's faster than you.

Shadow: We're about equal.

Roy: Guys, let me interview Bowser! So, which of us rejects do you miss the most?

Bowser: Mewtwo.

Mewtwo: Thank you.

Bowser: You're welcome.

Roy: But…why?

Bowser: He's evil; they need more villains in this *bleep* tournament.

MH: We shouldn't even need a bleeper in the first place.

Roy: You don't miss me at all?

Bowser: Let's go to YouTube and check out your "Messing with Bowser" miniseries.

Roy: It was Mario's idea.

Mario: Yeah, but I never forced you to help. You did so willingly.

Roy: Does anyone miss me?

Kirby: I miss you.

Roy: Thank you, buddy.

Ness: I missed you Roy…until you blasted me to France!

Ike: Well Ness, Roy did get you eight girls.

Zelda: Don't encourage them to get multiple girls.

Roy: See Ness, I brought you something good.

Zelda: It's not good; it's immoral.

YL: Yeah, but you made my life miserable.

Link: Zelda will come back.

YL: But Midna won't.

Zelda: And the older you is perfectly fine with that. And if he's not…(her hands glow with magical energy.)

Link: I'm fine with it.

Bowser: Ooh. Do I sense a disturbance within the married couple? You are married right? Cause that would just be awkward if you weren't.

MH: Enough with the Star Wars references; we already have enough going on with our battle for the Dark Side.

Mewtwo: Who can blame them? Star Wars was a great movie series.

MH: True, but I've got a talk show to run, and we're not even halfway done.

Link: What? Are you serious?

MH: I'm always serious.

Zelda: There are over thirty characters in Brawl.

Link: Yeah, but this is taking forever.

Zelda: Oh stop being so melodramatic.

MH: The interviews aren't supposed to take this long, but Roy gets so off-topic it's ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder whether this entire show is being planned.

Link: You mean that someone else is controlling everything we say or do? (He shivers.) That's a frightening thought. (But it is true.)

MH: No moron; sometimes I wonder if Roy plans out how he's going to wreck havoc on this show.

Link: Roy's too dumb for that.

MH: Actually, you'd be surprised at what he's capable of. He can hotwire vehicles and disable the Mansion security although he knows next to nothing about technology and he has saran wrapped several Melee fields. And let's not forget the various pranks he has organized to the degree of a criminal mastermind. He may not be book smart or have any common sense, but when it comes to being devious, he's the master.

Link: Sadly I have to agree with you. Remember when he sent Luigi up the flagpole? He had every detail of that plan on paper.

Zelda: We need to find a way to keep Roy on track.

Link: Or remember when he decorated Bowser and Ganondorf's room with pink stuff and framed it on Jigglypuff? We had no clue it was Roy until a month after the incident. Or…

Zelda: Link, focus! We're trying to keep Roy on track.

Link: Well frankly I find that task too daunting and impossible so you should just surrender while you're ahead.

MH: *Sigh.* Sadly Link may have a point.

Pit: I think you should put a shock collar on him.

Link: Where did you…

Zelda: Pit, that's genius. (Gives him a huge hug, making Link very jealous.)

MH: Perfect…wait. We have to double-check his contract.

Link: Why? Roy's dumb. He won't have a good lawyer.

MH: He's a noble. Nobles (glares at Zelda) seem to get very good lawyers. You married Zelda. You should know.

Link: I do know. But still…Roy shouldn't have that good of a lawyer.

MH: We'll just get Mewtwo to check his contract to see if we can put a shock collar on Roy.

Mewtwo: *Sigh* I'll get on it.

Roy: So Bowser, Pikachu mentioned a "Subspace Emissary." What do you do in it?

Bowser: What I usually do: be the bad guy, kidnap the princess, be overall evil. Of course than Ganondorf betrayed me, and…

Ganondorf: Hey – Nintendo paid us to do that. It was nothing personal.

Bowser: So are we still good for Operation Top Secret?

Roy: Ooh…I want in on Operation Top Secret.

Bowser: Only villains can get in on Operation Top Secret.

Roy: Then I should totally become a villain.

Bowser: You would never be evil enough. You couldn't betray your friends.

Roy: I could totally betray Marth, Link, and the others. They don't care about me that much anyways. I could go all goth and steal Falchion and stuff.

Marth: We care for you Roy; you're just annoying.

Roy: (Dryly) Thanks. I think I finally just got this sarcasm thing down.

Link: Just don't kill it. *You already killed narcissi…* (He can't say the word because it's dead.)

Bowser: He killed another word?

Roy: I only kill some words. Nobody even uses them that much in real conversations.

MH: Soon the entire English language will be void of any large words.

Mewtwo: That would be hell on earth.

Roy: I'm not that bad.

All: Yes, you are.

(A bell rings.)

Roy: Looks like it's time yet again for a commercial break.

_A/N: Not my best chapter, I know. But the next ones are much funnier. Also there is a reference to my Ultimate Battle fanfic. Please review! __**Also, several other authors will make a cameo with me at the beginning of the next chapter. Let me know if you want to be one of those authors (if no one volunteers I'll just name all my reviewers.)** I hope you enjoy the story. Next up is Fox!_


	16. Fox

_A/N: Last time on the Super Smash Bros. Talk Show Roy interviewed Bowser; learned of Bowser's plan to conquer the Mushroom Kingdom with explosives, Sonic, and Shadow; and debated turning evil (no one thought he could.) Also, all the young Zelda girls left Young Link for Ness since Ness has a French accent. Zelda, Master Hand and Mewtwo also tried to think of a way to keep Roy on track (needless to say their ideas came up a little short.)_

**Roy: I still say that I would make an awesome villain.**

**Marth: No Roy, no you wouldn't.**

**Roy: Says who?**

**Marth: The guys who created you; they made you a good guy.**

**Link: So what was that top secret plan Bowser and Ganondorf mentioned?**

**Zelda: Dear, you're just being paranoid.**

**Link: I am **_**not**_** being paranoid when it comes to Ganondorf.**

**Samus: Just relax.**

**(Dr. Mario's voice is heard.)**

**Dr. Mario: Bowser, wait don't open that…you idiot!**

**(Said Italian doctor comes running over to the Smashers.)**

**Dr. Mario: Bowser and Ganondorf unleashed Pacman and the other Originals.**

**Samus: They did what!?**

**Marth: (screams and assumes the fetal position.)**

**Roy: Master Hand!**

**(Shows celticskyedancer, Thornbeak, Pikana, PitFTW, Faedra 369, Supa Artemis, Mewtrainer, surrounding Master Hand at his desk.)**

**MH: Why should I give you vacation rights? You don't work for me, and you don't get paid to write your little fanfics anyways. I don't need to give you any rights.**

**Pikana: Well then I guess Bazookie or Chainy will have to change your mind. Take your pick.**

**MH: Your little toys don't scare me.**

**Pikana: Toys? (Pulls out Chainy and starts it.) Oh, that's it.**

**Roy: Master Hand, we have a **_**huge**_** problem, and it wasn't my fault this time.**

**MH: Not right now, can't you see these commies have my hands tied?**

**MindSpring: How about we paint your nails pink? That would be the ultimate humiliation.**

**MH: And where are you going to get all that nail polish?**

**MindSpring: …**

**Faedra 369: He raises a very good point.**

**Mewtrainer: We're off topic! Back to the negotiations.**

**Pikana: I still say we use violence.**

**Roy: Master Hand, Pacman's eating everything backstage and the ghosts just took out Young Link. Oh no, there goes Ike. Wait, why do I care about Ike? Go ghosties!**

**MH: I'm dealing with these problems right now. **

**PitFTW: (In a menacing voice.) You will give us extra vacation time.**

**MH: You can take a vacation whenever you want! You don't need to get it from me.**

**Thelda: We want exclusive rights to do whatever we want in Super Smash Bros. fanfics as well.**

**MH: Again, you can already do that. Just not to me.**

**Thelda: Well, that's what we want.**

**MH: No.**

**Celticskyedancer: Then I suppose you wouldn't want pictures of these floating around the Smash Mansion. (Places a pile of pictures showing Master Hand at the beach with a very attractive lady hand.) I'm sure the other Smashers will get a kick out of this.**

**MH: You can have your extra author's rights.**

**Authors: Yes! (Give each other high-fives.)**

**Roy: …That's great. Now about the arcade game characters destroying backstage. Pikachu, look out!**

**Pikana: (Pulls out Bazookie) Oh no you don't, Blinky! (Blasts the red ghost.)**

**Randomzzz: No fair, I wanted to save Pikachu.**

**Pikana: (Kills the Tetris block about to kill Kirby) Deal.**

**Randomzzz: Why you…(sees the door to Master Hand's office opened and unguarded.) I'll just go steal his teddy bear Pookie-poo. He won't miss it.**

**MH: I'd better go check on Pookie-poo…(Making sure no one heard him.) Hey!**

**Randomzzz: You'll never take me alive!**

**PitFTW: Don't worry Pit (suddenly has a giant bomb). I'll save you!**

**Pit: Uh…(doing perfectly fine on his own.) Thanks? Ah! (Ducks at PitFTW lobs the bomb, nearly destroying said angel as well as the orange Pacman ghost.)**

**Celest: Oh Thornbeak…**

**Thornbeak: You're not still mad at me selling you out for twenty bucks, right?**

**Celest: (Hands glow with purple and black fire.) **

**Thornbeak: I'll take that as a yes. (Runs away).**

**Bowser: Mwah ha ha ha (Rolling on the ground laughing with Ganondorf. Ganondorf is not on the ground, but is still laughing.) This is better than the time I kidnapped Peach on her birthday or the time I totally ruined Mario's vacation. Yes, wait no! Don't you come over here Pacman. You will not eat us.**

**Pacman: Green hat guy is friend. So are blue haired guys and fire guy. You are there enemies therefore you are my enemies. Therefore I eat you.**

**Ganondorf: Crud.**

**MH: Every time we get the backstage settled down something else happens.**

**Celticskyedancer: What can I say, they don't get along.**

**Crazy Little Yaoi Fangirl: Never had, never will…Say, can we eat the crew buffet?**

**Celticskyedancer: We can just blackmail Master Hand if he complains.**

**Crazy Little Yaoi Fangirl: Yes!**

**MH: You usually cause the violence. And what about the rest of you? Why aren't you helping?**

**Eriisa Lotus: We don't really feel like it.**

**MH: Then go hang out somewhere else.**

**Faedra 369: Fine, we'll just show everyone those pictures on the way out. (Sees the Centipede heading towards the lighting room.) Oh no, Pichu! Don't worry, I'll save you.**

**MH: Why you little…(Grumble, grumble, grumble…)**

Part Sixteen: Fox

Roy: Are we done yet? I mean, we're done after sixteen, right?

MH: What? You have yet to finish interviewing all the characters from Melee, not to mention all the newbies from Brawl. We're not even halfway done yet.

Roy: What!? Are you serious? You have to be joking.

MH: I'm as serious as an economics textbook.

Roy: But this is taking forever!

MH: Well if you'd get your job done, then we'd finish faster.

Roy: Wow, you're really smart; now I have more incentive to actually do my job.

Marth: But we all know you won't actually do it.

MH: Get on with the next character.

Link: He means next victim.

Roy: Next up is the space pilot extraordinaire, Fox McCloud.

Marth: I give Roy a full minute to actually do his job before someone distracts him.

Link: Please. Roy gets distracted by a speck on the floor.

(Fox comes flying in as Fire Fox, ricocheting off the walls like a blazing pinball. He lands on the stage, activating his reflector as all the lights shine down on him, reflected back into the audience.)

Link: ! I just got a great idea! Instead of buying another disco ball, let's just hang Fox from the ceiling instead for this year's ball.

Celest: You buy a new disco ball every year? That seems like a waste of money.

Zelda: No, our last disco ball…broke.

Celest: Roy?

Roy: Why do you automatically blame me?

Link: No, actually this time it was Ness…with a baseball bat.

Celest: Oh.

Ness: What? It was shiny, and I just had to break it.

Fox: I'd like to stay firmly planted on the ground, thank you.

Roy: Hey Fox, how are you doing? Oh, look it's a speck on the floor.

Fox: I'm fine Roy; I didn't expect to see you here. How has your day been going?

Roy: Awful. I've been nearly killed multiple times, and a banshee-elf hybrid stole Pit from my team.

Celest: Hybrid? Oh that's it.

Pit: I'm going on a date with Celest.

Celest: (to Master Hand.) I found a loophole in your contract. I won't lay a finger on Roy. (Opens her mouth to utter a banshee shriek. Samus clamps a hand over her mouth and jerks her back into her seat.)

Samus: You are not shattering our ears in the process. Not until the rest of us get earplugs.

MH: The earplugs might not even work.

Samus: (in a dangerously low voice.) Keep your mouth shut.

Fox: So…where's the host?

Roy: You're looking at him.

Fox: …You're the host!? Dear Lord, what was Master Hand thinking? Do you get anything accomplished? I thought Roy had just showed up to say hi.

Roy: Nope, I'm the host.

Link: And we don't get anything accomplished; why do you think most of us are still on the stage?

Fox: Good point.

Roy: So Fox, how have you been?

Fox: Okay, I guess.

Marth: How'd your date go last night?

Fox: Actually it went surprisingly well…I guess 'cause I never told Falco about it.

Roy: So who'd you take on a date?

Fox: Krystal. (Points her out in the audience.) She's my girlfriend.

Roy: Well technically I am supposed to interview Fox, but…Hey Young Link!

YL: (glaring at Ness.) I'm on it! So Krystal, why don't you tell the audience a little bit about yourself?

Krystal: Well I'm Fox's girlfriend, and a member of Team StarFox. Let's see, I also have telepathy, and I met Fox on a dinosaur planet.

Zelda: You have telepathy? Neat.

Fox: She's amazing.

Krystal: Aw.

Roy: So Fox, what's life at the Mansion like with me gone? Do you miss me? *That speck on the floor is really starting to bug me.*

Fox: Actually…even though you crashed my Arwing, I kinda do miss you.

Roy: Really?

Marth and Link: Really?

MH: Really? That's a first.

Fox: Well, you see, Wolf and I got into a bit of a prank war, and…he's kinda winning.

Roy: So you need to learn from the Master?

Fox: Yeah, kinda.

Marth: Don't you dare, Fox.

Roy: Join me Fox, and together, we will rule the Dark Side.

MH: Enough Star Wars refs.

Kirby: What!? Why does he automatically get to rule the Dark Side with you? I've been loyal to you ever since I met you.

Pikachu: You're loyal to whoever gives you food.

Kirby: Well, yes, but that's beside the point.

Roy: I was just quoting Star Wars! Jeez.

Marth: You won't be ruling any Dark Side because we're the Dark Side.

Roy: No, my team is the Dark Side because…we're just that awesome.

Marth: No, we're the Dark Side because we called it first. We made our team and called the Dark Side before you even had a team.

Fox: Well, Marth does have you there, Roy.

Roy: Fine. I'll just steal the Dark Side from you by beating you! (Charges at Marth, but is quickly downed.) Okay, I'll get you…next time!

Marth: Okay, right. (Ducks under a fireball.) Are you going to blast me every time I beat your boyfriend?

Lilina: Maybe.

MH: Roy, just get on with the interview.

Roy: Fine. Okay, Fox, who's your favorite newbie?

Fox: Ooh. Tough question. There are so many new characters to pick from. (Pit and Ike are pointing to themselves.) I like Olimar, Snake, Celest, Sonic, Lucario, Ike, Meta Knight, Pit, R.O.B., and Zero-Suit Samus, but technically she's not new.

Samus: I don't get it. Zero-Suit Samus is not a different person. I'm me with my power suit on; I'm me with out my power suit.

Roy: Who's your least favorite newbie?

Fox: Definitely Wolf.

Roy: Who would you include in Brawl?

Fox: Definitely Krystal…um. I guess that's it.

Slippy: What about me?

Roy: Who are you?

Slippy: Slippy Toad, one of Fox's allies.

Fox: No offense Slippy, but you're not exactly much of a fighter.

Roy: Well what do you do, Slippy?

YL: I get audience! Um, yeah. What Roy said.

Slippy: I'm a mechanic.

Roy: Oh! We could use a mechanic over here on the Dark Side.

Marth: You are not the Dark Side!

Roy: Oh yeah? Well then we'll just fight again to see who gets the Dark Side rights.

Shadow: Seeing as you have yet to actually beat Marth.

Roy: Good point…and I do have a job to do.

MH: Which you still aren't doing.

Roy: So I choose Shadow to fill in my place for the Dark Side fight.

Shadow: About time I get to see some action.

Marth: Oh come on Roy; I can take an assist trophy.

Shadow: I'll make you regret those words, pretty boy. Chaos B-

MH: Not inside this studio you don't. If want to use chaos powers, then go outside.

(Shadow and Marth head outside to duke it out.)

Roy: Yeah Fox, so anyways…

(A large explosion shakes the building; Shadow walks inside, clapping his hands together.)

Shadow: Well that was easy.

Sheeda: What happened to Marth?

Shadow: Well he wasn't moving…or breathing when I left, but I'm sure he's fine.

Sheeda: Marth! (Runs outside.)

Roy: You won? Yes! We're the Dark Side, baby! Woo!

Link: Marth is so weak.

MH: Get on with the interview.

Roy: You should know by now that we get nothing accomplished.

MH: (zaps Roy.) Well then I'm going to change that.

Roy: Hey Fox, what's your favorite color.

MH: Interview him about Brawl, not his personal life.

Roy: But his personal life must be much more interesting.

MH: This is not the Oprah Winfrey show.

Roy: Well you know what…

Fox: Hello? Earth to Roy. Elibe to Roy. Anybody home?

Roy: Sorry…got distracted.

Link: Speck on the floor?

Roy: No, but there is a speck on the floor. *And it's mocking me.*

Pit: Then what's the problem.

Roy: Zelda's snickering. And I want to know why.

Mewtwo: She's having a _very_ interesting conversation with Krystal.

Roy: …But they're on opposite ends of the studio.

Mewtwo: Telepathy.

Fox: Hey Link, twenty bucks says they're telling embarrassing stories about us.

Link: Make it one hundred rupees.

Krystal: Oh, they're not embarrassing.

Fox: But you are telling stories about us.

Krystal and Zelda: …yes.

Mewtwo: Well it depends on your definition of embarrassing.

Fox: …What story did you tell Zelda?

Krystal: I started to tell her about our trip to Sauria.

Fox: Which one?

Krystal: Well…the bad one, but I was telling her about what happened _before_ you fell in the river.

Fox: (relaxes.)

Mewtwo: Seeing as she _already_ told Zelda about what happened _after_ you fell in the river.

Zelda: Eavesdropping is extremely rude.

Mewtwo: Neither you or Krystal even tried to stop me; you both could have shut me out of your minds.

Roy: What did happen after Fox fell into the river?

Fox: Let's just say the day went rapidly downhill from there.

Roy: Ooh. What happened?

Fox: That's all I'm telling you.

Roy: Aw. Come on.

Fox: No.

Link: It's times like these that I'm glad that I have no embarrassing…

Mewtwo: Mr. Fuzzykiss?

Link: (Turns a bright shade of red.)

Roy: Mr. Fuzzykiss? Who's he?

Link: …I'm Mr. Fuzzykiss.

Roy: You let Zelda call you Mr. Fuzzykiss? (Dies laughing alongside of Marth, Ike, Pit, and the other guys.)

Link: Zelda calls me that when I'm in my wolf form. I can't stop her.

Mewtwo: No guy should ever, _ever,_ answer to Mr. Fuzzykiss. Even if he is an adorable doggie at the time. And Link, you are no adorable doggie.

Zelda: Link is so adorable when he's in his wolf form.

Link: But that nickname is humiliating and embarrassing. I have told you thousands of times to never call me that again.

Zelda: I know, but…I just can't help myself; you're so cute. Besides, you don't seem to mind as a doggie.

Link: That's because I'm more interesting in the crap your feeding me than in what you're calling me.

Mewtwo: I repeat: no guy – even if he is a dog – should ever, EVER, answer to Mr. Fuzzykiss. That includes men who are naturally canines.

Fox: I would never answer to such a degrading nickname.

Mewtwo: Yeah, but Krystal has plenty of nicknames for you.

Krystal: Okay, now you're not eavesdropping; you're prying,

Mewtwo: Well yes, but you and Krystal have such interesting stories about your boyfriends.

Zelda: Yes, but prying is extremely rude.

Mewtwo: I'm a rude person; sue me.

Link: I'd like to see who'd win that battle in court.

Roy: My money's on Mewtwo.

Fox: My money's on Krystal and Zelda. Zelda has an amazing lawyer.

Link: You didn't have to go through the marriage process with her lawyer.

Fox: I pity you.

MH: Can we please get on with the interview? Please? *We've seriously only gotten three questions in.*

Roy: Okay. Hey Fox, what's your Final Smash?

Fox: I get in my Landmaster and shoot down some people.

Roy: Neat…

Link: You have no idea what a Landmaster is, do you?

Roy: None whatsoever.

Fox: A Landmaster is a kind of futuristic tank.

Roy: Neat…Can I driver one?

Fox: That depends. Hey Peppy (turns to a giant hare) do we have insurance?

Peppy: Not currently. We're in the process of switching all our vehicles to Geico insurance.

Fox: Why Geico?

Peppy: Because we can save 15% or more on car insurance.

Fox: But we don't actually have a car.

Peppy: They insure all vehicles.

MH: It's been one question, and they're already off-track.

Roy: I promise I'll be careful.

Fox: Let's take a look at your driving/piloting record. 210 speeding tickets, thirteen run red lights, fifteen ignored stop signs, seven cases of road rage…

Roy: Hey, that old lady had it coming. (Ike and Link are eying him strangely.) What?

Fox: Also, you've crashed Samus' ship three times, my Arwing five times, and Falco's once. You've destroyed four of Captain Falcon's racers, and let's not forget your most recent escapade – drunk driving Dragoon.

Kirby: You did what!? I got blamed for that.

MH: Wait…That was Roy who caused all that damage? I'm sorry Kirby. I apologize for accusing you.

Roy: How was I supposed to know a little hover board would cause so much damage?

Kriby: How dare you steal Dragoon! (Begins pounding Roy with tiny fists.)

Roy: I'm sorry Kirby; it was an accident.

Fox: So no, Roy, you can't drive my Landmaster.

Roy: I won't damage it.

Fox: The facts speak otherwise.

Roy: I'll show you! (Runs outside.)

Everyone: No! (Chases Roy.)

MH: (Begins banging his hand on the wall.)

YL: Looks like we'll be wrapping up this part of the show a little early. Join us after the commercial break while we interview more Brawlers.

MH: Can this show get any worse? *Shouldn't have said that.*

(Crazy flies across the stage, careening out of control, crashing into a wall. Three sandbags as well as a row of lights fall on stage.)

MH: Me and my big mouth. Really shouldn't have said that.

Crazy: I lOvE cAnDy!!!!!

MH: I need my Advil. (Exits stage right.)

_A/N: And so ends the random chaos of chapter sixteen. Thanks to all my awesome reviewers and everyone who enjoys reading this. I tried to include everyone who requested a cameo. If I missed you, I apologize, but don't fret. There will be another cameo appearance (just not in the next few chapters.) __**Also, new announcement: we are adding a new section due to Roy's lack of getting the job done. Questions from the audience (a.k.a. all my lovely readers/reviewers.) So if you have a question you want to ask a character, just put it in your review, and I will post my favorites in the next chapter. Nothing that will change this story's rating, please. **__I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Next up is Falco!_


	17. Falco

_A/N: I got over 100 reviews! (Does a celebratory dance). I've never had that many reviews before, so thanks to all you awesome reviwers. You're the best. Okay, last chapter Roy interviewed Fox; Shadow beat Marth to claim the Dark Side for the Red Team. Fox contemplated joining Roy's side, and Roy rushed outside to prove that he could fly Fox's Land Master. Sorry, but this took so long to update because I was so busy so I didn't have time to go back and add everyone's questions it, but feel free to submit questions for the next character._

**Celticskyedancer: Where's Roy?**

**Link: Well he blew up Fox's Landmaster.**

**Celticskyedancer: No surprise there.**

**MH: What do you care? You have union rights now?**

**Celticskyedancer: You're not still bitter about the blackmail are you?**

**MH: Do I look like I'm still bitter?**

**Celticskyedancer: Yes, actually, you do.**

**MH: There's your answer.**

**YL: Roy said something about enacting revenge on a speck on the floor.**

**Ike: What speck on the floor?**

**YL: I don't know, that's just what he said.**

**(Roy comes flying out of a janitor's closet, racing onto stage with a floor buffer.)**

**Roy: Die speck! Die the most painful death in the world.**

**Celticskyedancer: And he's officially lost it.**

**MH: He officially lost it a long time ago.**

**Celticskyedancer: True that; true that.**

**MH: *sigh* At least that speck will no longer be a distraction.**

**Link: He'll just find another speck to distract him.**

**Roy: Well that speck is dead…and now ten more are staring at me, mocking me.**

**Link: Roy, specks can't mock you.**

**Roy: Oh yes, they can. And these ten are. (Turns the floor buffer onto the highest setting: ludicrous.)**

**MH: Roy, no! The buffer has never been used that high before.**

**Roy: Well it is now! Die specks, die!**

Part Seventeen: Falco

Roy: Okay, I'm sorry I destroyed half the stage…and crashed the Landmaster, but you should know that if there's a giant red button that says "Do Not Touch," I'm gonna touch it.

Fox: I don't even know why there was a self-destruct button on the Landmaster.

Slippy: Well…it seemed like a good idea that the time.

Peppy: It should have never seemed like a good idea at the time.

Celest: That's something I've never gotten.

Roy: What?

Celest: Why objects have self-destruct buttons.

Link: I never understood that either.

Samus: I wish people would stop using self-destruct systems.

Ike: Why? Did someone blow up your ship with one?

Samus: No…almost though. I just have to deal with self-destruct systems all the time. I'm constantly escaping exploding space stations and planets. It gets repetitive. I get déjà vu all the time.

Celest: That must suck.

Roy: I've never gotten what Pokémon trainers eat.

Celest: …What? They eat all kinds of food – you know, stir fry, hamburgers, etc.

Roy: Yeah, but that involves meat. Meat involves animals. There are no animals in the Pokémon worlds. Just Pokémon. So…do Pokémon trainers eat Pokémon?

(Everyone looks uncomfortably at Pikachu.)

Pikachu: Well, they don't eat Pikachus.

Link: But still…they really eat Pokemon?

Pikachu: You eat animals; it's the same thing. They eat Farfetch'd; you eat chicken.

Roy: Speaking of chickens, let's welcome the fiery chicken of doom: Falco.

(Rap music plays in the background. Falco walks onstage all gangster-like, bobbing his head in time with the music. He begins break dancing as the audience cheers. Then he stands up and begins kicking his reflector like a hacky sack. The stage lights shine on the reflector, altering the light. Celest walks up and punches him in the face.)

Falco: What the *bleep* was that for?

Celest: That's for telling Pit that _I _had a crush on him.

Pit: (depressed) Falco lied?

Roy: Falco's a jerk.

Falco: That's a little harsh.

Zelda: …It's partly true.

Falco: Yeah…Before we start this interview, I have my own question. Why is Captain Falcon's dead body in the janitor's closet?

Samus: We needed a place to store it.

Falco: (rolls his eyes) Of course.

Fox: When did the good old Captain kick the bucket?

Mario: I believe the politically correct term is "pushing up daisies." He died at the end of Samus' interview.

Falco: Oh nice. (Does a fist bump with Samus.) Whatcha do? Shoot him with your arm cannon? Strangle him with your plasma whip?

Link: More like walked onstage in a black halter dress and winked at him. He died of blood loss through the nose.

Falco: Why was Samus in a halter dress?

MH: Because she hurt Roy. Now get on with the interview.

Roy: You know we'll just get off subject after one question.

(The stage goes dark and lightning flashes ominously backstage.)

Roy: We'll…try to stay on topic.

MH: *sigh* I suppose that's the best I'll get.

Roy: So Falco, what do you like best about Brawl?

Falco: The food made by Chef Kawasaki. Definitely the food.

Roy: What do you like best about the _fighting_?

Falco: Oh…the Final Smash.

Roy: What's yours?

Falco: Landmaster.

Roy: What? You too? Same as Fox?

Falco: (shrugs) Yeah.

Roy: Why does he get to come back as a clone character?

Mario: Because no one knows who you are outside of Super Smash Bros.

Falco: I'm just better and more popular than you, Roy.

Roy: Well you know what Falco? (Gets blasted into the wall.)

MH: Just interview the blue falcon and don't start a fight, or I swear I will make your life a living place of agony and hell.

Roy: That's harsh.

MH: You earned it a long time ago, imbecile.

Roy: Imbe-what?

Mewtwo: It means idiot, twit.

Link: (facepalms) Don't tell him.

Roy: So Falco, who's your favorite newb?

Falco: I was going to say Celest, but not anymore.

Celest: You big baby.

Falco: That's a tough question. I'm going to have to say Diddy Kong?

Roy: Why him?

Falco: We helped each other in the Subspace Emissary. Also, it's *bleep* funny to see him blow up most of the Mansion in a drunken stupor.

Link: All courtesy of Snake.

Falco: Yeah. Seeing Link hanging upside from the ceiling in a dress was hysterical.

Link: (Voice dripping with sarcasm.) Thank you.

(Samus, Zelda, and Celest all die laughing. Again.)

Roy: Wow. I can't believe all the funny stuff happened after I left.

Falco: Believe it. (Ducks under a shuriken.)

Naruto: Hey that's a copyrighted line; only I can use it. (Don't ask why he's here.)

Falco: Sorry.

Roy: Hey, orange ninja imbecile, we have a show going on.

Naruto: What did you call me?

Roy: Slip of the tongue, sorry.

MH: There's free ramen if you sit down quietly. (Naruto complies.)

Roy: Who's your least favorite…

Falco: Wolf.

Roy: What's your favorite new item?

Falco: Definitely smart bombs.

(A cry of "no" can be heard from the other smashers, especially Ike, Kirby, and Samus.)

Roy: I take it you all hate this "smart bomb."

Samus: God, don't even get me started on smart bombs. They're the bane of my existence.

Celest: Plus they created a very awkward situation between you and Snake.

Samus: Yeah. There is that.

Roy: Ooh. What happened?

Samus: I'm not going to tell you. And if anyone else tells, their carcass will be joining the late Captain's in the janitor's closet. Severely mutilated.

Roy: But I wanna know!

MH: And I want you to interview Falco. And if you don't, I'll hit you with a smart bomb.

Roy: Well I'd like to see what a smart bomb is.

(A smart bomb crashes into Roy. The pretty red, blue, and violet explosion engulfs him.)

Roy: Ow! Smart bombs hurt. I don't like them anymore.

Lilina: But they're so pretty.

Roy: Yeah, but they're so painful.

MH: I'll hit you with another smart bomb if you don't do your job.

Mario: Just fire him, and hire a professional.

MH: We don't have that kind of money. Unless you want me to cut spending elsewhere. I could replace the nice gourmet food with cafeteria grub.

Kirby: *BLEEP* NO! (Everyone looks at him in shock.) What? I like my food.

Falco: You are not replacing Chef Kawasaki's glorious food with cafeteria crap.

MH: Then we're stuck with Roy; I can't make budget cuts anywhere else.

Mario: We could make assist trophies live in a trophy case…or a shack.

Shadow: You do, and you're dead.

Mario: I'm not scared of you.

Shadow: Oh. You should be; you should be.

Mario: Bring it almost-as-good-as-Sonic-but-not-quite.

Shadow: Oh that's it. Chaos Con-

MH: You should be scared of me if you continue to keep Roy from his job and cause even more chaos on this *bleep* show.

Roy: Yeah! You tell 'em Master Hand.

MH: (Zaps Roy.) Get back to interviewing Falco.

Roy: Yo, chicken-

Falco: (Shoots Roy with his blaster.) Not a chicken.

Roy: Sorry. What do you know about Fox's Sauria incident?

Falco: (Trying very hard not to die laughing.) How'd you find out about that?

MH: What does that have to do with any…Actually, I do want to know about this incident.

Roy: Mewtwo overheard Krystal and Zelda talking about it telepathically.

Falco: Oh nice.

Fox: If you tell him…

Falco: You'll what?

Fox: Forge a love letter to Katt in your signature.

Falco: We are not an item! We never were an item, and we will never be an item.

Fox: Denial. (In unison with Krystal, Slippy, and Peppy.)

Falco: Do you want to take this outside, McCloud?

(Master Hand slowly begins to float over towards the wall.)

Fox: Bring it on, Lombardi.

Roy: Lombardi? You're last name is Lombardi? (Snickers.)

Falco: After you, McCloud.

MH: Five, four, three…

(Fox lightdashes Falco.)

MH: Hmm…they're a bit early this time. (Teleports them outside.)

Roy: Wha– You took all the fun out of it. I wanted to see the fight.

MH: Oh? You wanted to see a fight?

Roy: (Gets really nervous) Well…um…hehe…actually…

MH: Lilina, you might want to leave the audience.

Lilina: But…

Elincia: Let's just go outside and see how Marth's doing.

Mewtwo: In order to keep this show on public television, I'm just going to go straight to a commercial break. Please change the channel and don't come back.

YL: (Shoves Mewtwo out of the way) Don't listen to the scary alien. _Don't_ change that channel. (In a scary voice) Or else.

Link: Since we're on a commercial break, I'd like to know about this "Sauria incident." I also want to know what else Zelda told Krystal about me.

Krystal: Well the Sauria incident basically began with Fox falling in a river and ended with him hiding in a bush, naked. We don't know exactly what happened to him between the two events; I just know that he had a really bad day.

Link: That must suck for him.

Krystal: I understand you had a similar experience.

Link: (To Zelda) What exactly did you tell her?

Zelda: Well…I've been telling her a lot of things, but…maybe I might have mentioned that one day when you fell into the river.

Midna: Is the one where I knock him off his horse, he nearly drowns in the river, then gets mauled by moblins, is tackled by the Ordon brats, and loses his precious hat for a full ten minutes?

Zelda: That…might be the one.

Link: Do you have to remind me about that day?

Midna: You were more upset about losing your hat than getting mauled by the moblins.

Link: That hat is very precious to me. I keep all my gear in it.

Kirby: You keep all your gear in your hat?

Link: So? You keep all your stuff in your stomach.

Kirby: Yeah, but my stomach is a portal to another dimension. Your hat is just a hat. There is no way that you can keep all your stuff in that hat.

Ike: How do you keep all your stuff in your hat?

Link: Long story. Lots of elbow grease.

Zelda: It's a magic hat.

Ness: You mean like a magician's hat. Can you pull a bunny out of it?

Link: …No, but I can pull an octorok out. See? (Pulls the octorok out of said hat. It immediately goes crazy and begins shooting rocks at people in the audience.)

YL: Everybody, hit the deck!

_A/N: Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Poor Roy. Link and Fox seem to have lots of bad days too. Next up is Lucas._


	18. Lucas

_A/N: Okay, so last chapter Roy interviewed Falco, and learned about smart bombs…the hard way. Fox and Falco got in a fight; Master Hand beat up Roy. Also, the rest of the smashers learned about some embarrassing moments in Fox's and Link's live. Also, two chapters ago, Marth was nearly killed by Shadow._

**Celticskyedancer: (to Sheeda) Is Marth okay?**

**Sheeda: Yeah. He's finally recovering from Shadow's attack. He really gave me a heart attack.**

**Celticskyedancer: Marth or Shadow?**

**Sheeda: Marth for not responding to the first twenty-seven times I screamed his name, and Shadow for beating him up.**

**Celticskyedancer: Yeah. I'm surprised that they didn't make Shadow a playable character.**

**MH: That's because Nintendo only wanted one playable character and one assist trophy from each third party. SEGA picked Sonic and Shadow.**

**Zelda: Speaking of which…where is Sonic?**

**Ness: I saw him in Paris being chased by some pink hedgehog with a giant hammer. She nearly got him, but he got away.**

**Ike: Wow. That Amy sure is persistent.**

**Ness: Yeah. I don't know how Sonic managed to get away from her. Especially since I tripped him.**

**Link: Wait. So Amy almost got Sonic because you tripped him?**

**Ness: Yeah. It looked like she could use some help?**

**Link: Aren't you and Sonic friends?**

**Ness: Yeah, but watching Amy tackle him would be so hysterical. She nearly got him. **

**Zelda: Well she wants her man. **

**Elincia: Well Marth's almost about recovered.**

**Ike: Yeah…keep him a bit out of it so Lilina will stay outside.**

**Lilina: Why do I need to stay outside?**

**Ike: …**

**Lilina: And where's Roy?**

**Link: …Um…He's…**

**Lilina: Roy? Where are you?**

**Ike: (to Elincia) Get her out of here before she finds him.**

**Elincia: Why?**

**(Lilina shrieks.)**

**Ike: That's why.**

Part Eighteen: Lucas

Lilina: OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED HIM!

MH: Oh, it's just a flesh would. He'll be fine.

Lilina: Roy! Roy, Roy, Roy, ROY, ROY….

MH: He'll be fine. We'd like to welcome Marth back onstage.

(Marth is sitting uncomfortably between Ike and Link, who are glaring at him.)

Ike: You're pathetic.

Marth: I beg your pardon?

Link: You lost…

Ike: Badly…

Both: To an _Assist Trophy._

Shadow: And what is that supposed to mean?

Link: You're weaker than us. We're better than you.

Ike: Marth, you lost our right to the Dark Side!

MH: Yes, but I won it back.

Ike: Oh yeah! Dark Side, baby!

Roy: (Jerks upright.) What? (To Master Hand) You can't choose sides.

Shadow: (To Link) I'm better than you.

Link: Prove it.

MH: Amazing. We haven't even introduced the next guest, and already all hell is breaking loose. (He teleports Link and Shadow outside.) Well…

(A large explosion is heard outside, and felt inside. Once again, Shadow waltzes in, dusting his hands off.)

Shadow: He was even easier than the sissy guy.

Marth: Why you little…(lunges forward, but Ike restrains him.)

Ike: He already kicked your ass once today.

MH: Mewtwo…

Mewtwo: I'm changing the batteries on the bleeper, give me a minute.

MH: Well hurry it up for the next Smasher.

YL: Who's next?

Roy: Lucas!

Ness: NOOOOOO….Well…Maybe he's _kind of_ all right, but still….NOOOOOOOO!

(A barrage of falling stars crashes onto the stage, hitting Ike, Marth, Roy, Pit, and Kirby.)

Roy: Ow.

Lucas: I'm sorry.

Ness: Hey Lucas, how have you been?

Lucas: Why are you speaking like a Frenchman?

Ness: Because I got blasted to France by Roy, and now I speak French fluently.

Lucas: What good does that do you?

Ness: It got me this coterie of adoring fangirls.

Lucas: (Eyes get really wide. He points behind Ness.) Paula.

Ness: What? Pola? Polar? Like a polar bear? Haha, nice try.

Lucas: PAULA!

Ness: Oh. (Eyes get really wide.) Oh. (Truns around to a girl with short blond hair in a pink dress with blazing eyes.) H-hello Paula. This isn't what it looks like; I swear!

Paula: Oh right. (She slugs Ness in the face and kicks him in the shin. Grabbing his collar, she proceeds to shake him violently.) You pig; you *bleep.* (Yeah, she knows cuss words just like Ness.)

(All the Young Zelda girls flock to Young Link in fear.)

YL: Yes!

Roy: She's scarier than Lilina.

Lilina: And what is that supposed to mean?

Roy: (Backing away from Lilina nervously) Well…

MH: EVERYBODY STOP! (All the chaos stops.) Paula, if you have to beat Ness up, do it outside. Everyone else, sit down and behave.

(Paula begins dragging Ness outside.)

Ness: Lucas, save me!

Lucas: (Hiding behind Samus) Uh-uh. She's scary. Besides, you probably deserve it.

Ness: I thought you were my friend.

Roy: So, Lucas are you a clone character of Ness?

Lucas: Well not really…maybe a little bit…yes.

Roy: Not fair. Why does he…

Mario: Life isn't fair; get over it.

Roy: So Lucas, who's your favorite newb other than yourself?

Lucas: I like the Pokémon Trainer. He's cool.

Roy: What does the Pokémon Trainer do?

Pikachu: Trains and fights with Pokémon. Duh. Dumb*bleep*.

MH: He's a children's idol and has the mouth of a hardcore biker.

Roy: Who's your least favorite newb?

Lucas: Wario.

Mario: No surprise there.

Roy: What's your favorite field.

Lucas: New Pork City.

Everyone: NO!

Roy: Why does everyone else hate this field?

Ike: It's large.

Link: It's bigger than Hyrule Temple.

Roy: Is that even possible?

Link: They made it possible.

Roy: Hey Lucas, what's your favorite item?

Lucas: Smash ball.

Roy: What's your Final Smash?

Lucas: PK Starstorm. It was my entrance.

Roy: Oh. It hurt.

MH: Quit whining and get on with your job.

Roy: Is Ness' Final Smash PK Starstorm also?

Lucas: Yep.

Roy: So not fair. I'll bet Luigi is still a clone of Mario, and Captain Falcon is a clone of Ganondorf.

Link: Actually it's the other way around.

Roy: That's not the point. The point is…

Mario: Nobody cares what the point is.

Roy: Well you know what?

MH: Interview Lucas. (Lightning flashes in the background to emphasize the point.)

Roy: That sounds like a good idea. So Lucas, do you think you're a good smasher?

Lucas: I tend to lose to the more experienced Smashers.

Link: Well he had to go against Snake last time.

Pit: We all know how that went.

Lucas: (proudly) Yep. I won.

(Shocked silence.)

Ganondorf: You beat Snake?

Lucas: Yep.

Link: …You won?

(Meanwhile a very nervous-looking Marth is trying to sneak offstage while a smirking Samus is inching closer to him.)

Roy: Hey Marth, what's wrong?

Samus: Looks like you lost the bet, Lowell.

(Marth turns angrily to Master Hand.)

Marth: You had something to do with this; I'm sure of it.

Link: You guys actually made a bet on that? (To Samus) And you thought Lucas would win.

Marth: I kinda tricked Samus into it.

Samus: (Still smirking.) And it looks like I won.

Kirby: Whatcha have to do?

Samus: Wear a dress for the next twenty-four hours.

Roy: Oh you didn't.

Samus: I did.

Ike: Nice.

(Roy, Ike, Link, and Pit all high-five Samus.)

Marth: (To Master Hand) You had something to do with this; I know it.

MH: Actually I knew nothing about your bet; besides, I generally try to get Samus to lose her bets when I do rig matches.

Samus: So you _did_ rig those last three matches which I had bet on.

MH: I never said that. I do not rig matches. I have influenced a…few matches occasionally. Maybe.

Ganondorf: Bull*bleep*. You rig matches, and you know it.

MH: Do not.

Marth: (Breaks into a run.)

Samus: Get back here, pretty boy! (Begins chasing Marth.)

MH: Roy, get back to your job while the morons backstage solve their problems.

Roy: But those morons are more interesting than this twerp.

Lucas: Hey!

MH: Interview.

Roy: Yeah, yeah. So Lucas, what do you do in the Subspace Emissary?

Lucas: Well…(Marth and Samus run across the stage) the Pokemon Trainer and I travel across the land to rescue Ness. (Marth and Samus run across in the other direction.)

Roy: What happened to Ness?

Lucas: He got turned into a statue saving me. (Samus is still chasing Marth.)

Roy: Since when does Ness take bullets?

(Link shrugs. A strangled cry of "NO!" can be heard from backstage.)

Samus: (from the backstage.) Get out here, you big sissy!

Marth: Never!

Roy: Did she get him in the dress?

MH: Interview Lucas.

Link: Oh come on. Marth in a dress is ten times funnier than Roy interviewing Lucas.

MH: It's just a distraction.

Samus: Get out here! Zelda, I need some help out here!

Zelda: Coming.

Marth: No wait! Her kicks hurt.

(A pink flash goes flying across the stage, through the brick wall of the studio into the brick wall of the neighboring building. A man is outside repairing the wall from when Roy and Link flew into it (at separate times.))

Worker: That's it! I quit!

(Samus rushes across stage, grabs Marth, and drags him onto the stage. He is wearing a very frilly pink dress.)

Guys: (die laughing.)

Marth: Oh shut up, shut up!

Roy: We should have gotten Marth in a dress a long time ago.

Marth: Oh shut up. It's not that funny.

Ike: Yes it is.

Link: (Takes a couple of pictures of Marth.) These are definitely going on Facebook.

Ellis: Forget Facebook, I'm putting these on MySpace.

Marth: Not you too, Ellis.

Ellis: Sorry little brother, but this is hysterical.

Marth: Sheeda…

Sheeda: (Takes a picture of Marth.) Sorry Marth, but you're never going to live this down.

Marth: (to Samus.) I hate you.

Samus: Get over it.

MH: All right, all right; enough staring at the guy in the dress, even if it is funny. Roy, interview Lucas.

Roy: (rolling on the floor, dying of laughter.)

MH: *sigh.* Young Link, get up here and interview Lucas.

YL: (also dying of laughter.)

Mewtwo: I'll do it.

Lucas: Ah! Scary alien!

MH: We are never going to get anything accomplished.

Mewtwo: Sadly.

(Paula storms in, dragging Ness in on a leash. A shock collar is around hi neck.)

Lucas: Ness, what happened to you?

Ness: What happened?! Paula beat the *bleep* out of me, then she put this *bleep* collar on me like a dog. If I even look at another girl, I get shocked. It hurts!

Paula: You deserve it. Don't even try to act like you don't.

Link: Wow. Ness in a shock collar is almost as funny as Marth in a dress. Almost. (Takes a picture.)

Ness: Thank you Link. I'm going to get you for this!

(Link takes another picture.)

Ness: That's it! PK – ah! (Gets shocked. Link takes another picture.)

Paula: You are going to sit down and behave yourself until the end of the show. Is that clear?

Ness: Yes.

Mewtwo: So Lucas, who's your next opponent in the Brawl Tournament.

Lucas: (Still scared of Mewtwo.) Zelda.

Link: Well that match won't happen.

Lucas: Why not?

Link: Zelda can't Brawl anymore; she's going to have a baby.

Lucas: Really? Boy or girl?

Zelda: It's too early to tell yet.

Roy: If it's a boy, make sure you name it Roy.

Link: If it's a boy, there is no *bleep* way that we will name him Roy.

Roy: Well you know what…

Lucas: Where do babies come from?

(Awkward silence.)

Roy: Well, my good buddy Lucas (puts an arm around Lucas' shoulder) here's a little story I like to call "The Birds and the Bees."

(Master Hand punches Roy hard into the ground. He proceeds to punch him five more times really hard to get the point across before punching him fifty times quickly just for fun.)

MH: NO! WE ARE NOT GOING THERE! (He punches Roy on each word.)

Mewtwo: (Looks at Roy in the crater caused by Master Hand's punches.) Dear Lord, you beat the bloddy pulp out of him.

MH: Oh, he'll be fine.

Lucas: (Looks at Roy and turns green.) Ew…(faints).

Mewtwo: I'm begging all of you people watching this, PLEASE change the channel. There's no *bleep* way this show is still rating PG or K anyways. It's probably barely PG-13 or T.

MH: Join us after the commercial break when we will finally *hopefully* have this show back on track. *Yeah right.*

_A/N: Poor Roy, but he had it coming. Go Master Hand and excessive violence! Also I hope everyone enjoyed Marth in a dress and Ness in a shock collar. Please review! (You know you want to.)_


	19. Peach

_A/N: Okay so last chapter, Roy interviewed Lucas. Marth ended up in a dress because of a lost bet with Samus, and he'll be in the dress for the rest of the chapter. Paula showed up and put Ness in a shock collar because he was flirting with all the Zelda girls. Well Lucas asked where babies come from, and Roy was about to tell him when Master Hand pummeled him to the floor._

**Lilina: I don't care if he deserved it: you still nearly killed him.**

**MH: I have nearly killed him before, and so have half the other morons here.**

**Link: Hey, we're not morons.**

**Mewtwo: That's debatable.**

**Shadow: You're all morons.**

**Ike: You shut up.**

**Shadow: You're just sore because I am the superior fighter and won the dark side for my team.**

**Link: We are supposed to be the Dark Side. We called it first.**

**Celticskyedancer: Then just beat up one of Roy's teammates.**

**Link: You stay out of this: you're ideas are no good.**

**Ike: Link, shut up. That's brilliant! Oh Kirby…**

**Samus: (Whacks Ike upside the head.) Don't hurt Kirby; he's an innocent little kid.**

**Link: Then I'll just beat up another little innocent kid. Oh mini-me…**

**Zelda: You do realize that when you hit him, you'll get hurt as well.**

**Link: Oh yeah…**

**Samus: Oh mini-Link…**

**Link: Samus?**

**Samus: Yes?**

**Link: Whatever you're thinking, don't.**

**YL: Yes? (Screams as a heat's-seeking missile heads in his direction.) Ah!**

**Link: Samus…**

**Samus: What? It's fun messing with you.**

**Lilina: (still yelling at Master Hand) I know Roy was asking for it, but could you be a little…I don't know…less violent?**

**MH: No. No, absolutely not.**

**Lilina: *sigh* Didn't think so.**

**Link: (Suddenly flies into the air with a shriek).**

**Samus: Yes! (Looks at Zelda) What? Don't look at me like that. It was for the Dark Side.**

**Zelda: You just blasted him with a missile!**

**Samus: Actually, I just blasted Young Link with a missile, and your Link got hurt as a side-effect.**

**Zelda: You wanted to hurt my Link.**

**Samus: So?**

Part Nineteen: Peach

Roy: (moans)

MH: Oh get over it.

Mewtwo: Well you did almost kill him.

Pit: That's an understatement.

Samus: That son of a dragon deserved it.

Roy: Hey! Keep my mother out of this.

MH: Will you finally behave and do your job?

Roy: I can't promise anything.

Mario: Just welcome the next character.

Roy: Next up we have Peach, Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom!

Mario: Yes!

Bowser: *bleep*.

(The studio is filled with pink light. Peach twirls around in the air above the audience, slowly floating down toward the stage. Flower petals twirl around her. She lands, winking at the audience before blowing a kiss at Mario.)

Peach: Why is Marth wearing one of my dresses?

Samus: Because he lost a bet.

Peach: Well I figured that much out. I mean, why one of _my_ dresses? Why not one of Zelda's dresses or a store-bought dress.

Samus: Because none of those dresses were ugly enough.

Peach: What!?

Samus: You have a ton of girly, ugly dresses.

Peach: This comes from the person who sees orange plastic and blue spandex to be a fashion statement.

Samus: I pick my clothes for function, not fashion.

Peach: But clothing is a part of your appearance. If you don't dress well, people won't find you attractive.

Samus: At least I can attract more than a lazy, overweight plumber.

Audience: Ooh.

Roy: Oh no she didn't.

Peach: Take that back.

Samus: No.

Peach: *Bleep* (slaps Samus across the face.)

(Audience gasps in shock. Samus herself was not expecting Peach to resort to physical violence. However, Samus is not one to let even the littlest blow against her go unpunished. Attacking Samus is like declaring war on Samus, which is suicide. Samus will give even. Except Samus doesn't play to get even; she plays to win. Scratch that – Samus plays to annihilate her opponent.)

Samus: (punches Peach square in the face, sending the Mushroom Princess flying back.)

Mario: Hey!

Samus: Self-defense.

Celest: That's some overkill self-defense.

Zelda: You could be nice.

Samus: Ha! Let's be realistic now. (Ducks as a turnip sails over her head.) Oh that's it. (She grabs a small fake, potted tree from the stage and prepares to throw it.)

MH: Samus, sit.

Samus: I am not a dog.

MH: Now.

Samus: (To Peach) I will get you back. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But sometime: I will have my revenge.

Peach: Oh I'm so scared.

Link: You should be.

Roy: Hello Peach.

Peach: Hey Roy, how have you been.

Roy: Pretty good, other than for the fact that I keep getting the *bleep* beat out of me.

Peach: Because you keep pranking people or because you can't keep your mouth shut?

Mario: Because he can't keep his mouth shut.

Peach: Ah.

Roy: I did learn what sarcasm means.

Peach: *About time.*

Roy: So how's your life at the Mushroom Kingdom been going?

Peach: Great, and surprisingly quiet. No major attacks from Bowser.

Mario: Be on the lookout for an attack involving Sonic, Shadow, and tons of explosions.

Peach: Why would Shadow and Sonic help Bowser?

Shadow: Because it's fun wrecking havoc, and Bowser pays well.

Bowser: Being the Koopa King has his advantages.

Roy: As interesting as this conversation is, I do have a job to do.

MH: I don't believe it. I guess beating the bloody pulp out of him worked.

Roy: So Peach, who's your favorite newb?

Peach: Pit, because he's so nice.

Pit: Thank you.

Samus: Ship-crasher.

Pit: Grudge-holder.

Samus: Touché.

Roy: Who's your least fav—

Peach: Wario.

Mario: No surprise. I think even Bowser hates him.

Bowser: We don't like working together.

Roy: What's your favorite field?

Peach: Definitely Delfino Plaza.

Zelda: That is a fun field.

Roy: Why?

Peach: It's at the beach, silly. It's a tropical vacation.

Roy: Too bad you drown when you fall in the water.

Link: Actually, you can swin in this game.

Roy: No fair. I…

(The studio doors fly open, and a very content-looking Amy walks in, dragging Sonic in chains.)

Link: Now that's funnier than Marth in a dress.

(Shadow and Mario snicker while pulling out cameras.)

Amy: I nearly lost him in Paris even though this adorable boy helped me by tripping Sonic. But I caught up with him in Rome. (Turns to face a red echidna and a two-tailed fox.) Pay up. I caught him.

Knuckles: (Dying laughing) Worth every penny. (Gives Amy a stack of cash.)

Tails: Poor Sonic. (Pays Amy.)

Link: I've got great pictures to post on Facebook – Marth in a dress, Ness in a shock collar, and Sonic in chains.

Sonic: Oh shut up.

Shadow: What exactly happened?

Sonic: One minute I was checking these exotic chili dogs when I got blindsided by a pink flash. Next thing you know, Amy's dragging me through the airport in chains.

MH: This is very fine, but…

Peach: Hi Amy, how have you been?

Amy: Great. I finally got my boyfriend.

Peach: I can see that. Good job.

MH: Can we _please_ get on with the interview?

Peach: Oh sorry.

Roy: Peach, what's your favorite new item?

Peach: Assist trophies.

Roy: Not Smash Balls?

Peach: My Final Smash isn't that great.

Roy: What is it?

Peach: I put people to sleep and cause a bunch of peaches to appear which can restore health.

Roy: Wow. You're right; that does suck.

Mario: Hey Roy, what's your Final Smash.

Roy: I don't have one.

Mario: Exactly. Shut up about Peach's.

Peach: Thank you, Mario.

Roy: Okay, sorry Peach. Which other newbs do you like?

Peach: I like most of them. I think Snake is perfect for Samus.

Samus: You're the only one.

Peach: Admit it Samus, you fell for the secret agent with green eyes.

Samus: Ha – his eyes are a blue-grey.

Peach: Ha – thank you for proving my point.

Samus: Damn it.

Celest: You know you're not exactly helping your case.

Peach: You (to Celest) Shut up. We're working on you and Pit next.

Pit: (falls to his knees) Thank you!

Celest: *I see why Samus hates you.*

MH: Roy…

Roy: Yeah, yeah: interview. So Peach, what's your least favorite item?

Peach: Definitely smart bombs.

Falco: Oh come on, smart bombs rock!

Kirby: Smart bombs suck, but they are tasty. (Gets the WTF look.)

Roy: Who would you add to Super Smash Bros.?

Peach: Daisy and Rosalina.

Roy: Who?

Peach: My BFF's, apart from Zelda. (Waves to the two princesses in the audience. Daisy has wavy brown hair and a yellow dress while Rosalina has wavy flaxen hair in a sky blue dress.)

Zelda: I agree; the tournament needs more girls. I'd invite Midna.

Roy: I'm running out of questions…let's see…

(The sky splits open and a beautiful goddess, with long, flowing, emerald hair descends from the heaven. She looks extremely pissed off.)

Pit: Palutena!

Palutena: (snaps her fingers and Captain Falcon's dead body appears onstage. She slams his soul back into his body, glaring at Samus.) He's your problem now, sister.

(Captain Falcon begins to rise when Samus shoots him.)

Samus: I don't want him.

Palutena: Too damn bad. (Revives him.) I don't want him either.

Samus: (shoots him again.) Well then send him somewhere else.

Palutena: (snaps her fingers, and his soul goes down.) I guess that solves both our problems. Oh by the way: Zelda – Nayru says congrats on the baby. Afterwards though, more Sheik.

Zelda: Well it is bad-ass.

Mewtwo: Looks like the bleeper's broken. Damn it.

Palutena: Link, ditch the hat. Farore does not want you wearing a Christmas elf hat in the middle of summer.

Link: …The hat was her idea in the first place!

Palutena: Ganondorf, Din says you need to get a makeover.

Ganondorf: I'll get a makeover when she stops her little slut act. Oh wait – it's not an act. (Gets smote by red fire.) I probably deserved that.

Palutena: And Ike, I'm sorry, but Yune wants to know if you're really Roy and Marth's love child. That's all. (Vanishes.)

FE guys: Love child?

Link: Well, Ike does look like Roy and Marth fused into one body. Holy crap he is their love child!

R & M: What! (Tackle Link to the ground and proceed to beat the shit out of him.)

Zelda: (Looks at Link before moving to chat with Peach.)

Ike: …I have a mother and father.

MH: *sigh.* And I thought this interview was going well.

Bowser: If you want, I can capture Peach and end it right now.

MH: We are ending it now regardless of whether you kidnap Peach or not.

Bowser: Well then…(Ducks as Samus hurls a potted plant at Peach.)

Peach: (Dodges) Oh that's it. (Z-snaps) This means war.

Zelda: (Rolls her eyes and goes off to find Midna.)

Roy: (Still helping Marth beat Link up.) Please join us after this commercial break.

MH: Is it too much to ask him to do his *bleep* job?

Mewtwo: I got the bleeper working.

MH: Well at least one thing on this show is functional. (Power goes out.) Someone check on Pichu.

Pikachu: I got it.

_A/N: Hope everyone enjoyed the chapter. Please leave your lovely commentary so I can know how much you liked (or didn't like but hopefully liked) this chapter. Next up is Yoshi!_


	20. Yoshi

_A/N: Last time on the SSBB: Talk Show – Roy interviewed Peach after recovering from Master Hand's beating. The interview got off on a really bad start since Peach and Samus immediately get in a cat fight. During the middle of Peach's interview, Amy returns, dragging Sonic behind her in chains. Palutena shows up a bit later (very ticked) and attempts to return Captain Falcon's soul to his body since she is tired of him hitting on her in heaven. Samus kills him every time Palutena revives him so the goddess sends his soul down to solve both of their problems. She also relays messages from the other goddesses to the Smashers, ending up with Link getting beat up by Roy and Marth._

**Ike: Love child? Where does that come from? No, don't answer that question. Yune is the goddess of chaos, of course she'd asked that question.**

**Pit: I hate the goddesses of Tellius. No offense, Ike. But the few times Palutena lent me to them, I end up with months of therapy to cope with it all.**

**Celticskyedancer: Are they really that bad?**

**Ike: Again. Yune is a crazy, psycho, spoiled brat who enjoys messing with people's lives and causing chaos while Ashera is some old, strict hag who's all "order this" and "order that." At least they're combined form Ashunera is nice and benevolent…at times.**

**Zelda: Well the goddesses of Hyrule are…interesting.**

**Celticskyedancer: How so?**

**Zelda: They made a chicken the ultimate race. (I'm referring to the Oocas).**

**Celticskyedancer: Point taken.**

**YL: And what's with the Zora? I mean fish people?**

**Young Ruto: And what is that supposed to mean?**

**YL: Um…nothing.**

**Young Ruto: Oh I think it means something, but you are my fiancé so I supposed I'll have to work on that.**

**YL: Fiancé? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Since when have I been your fiancé? **

**Y Ruto: Uh duh – since you accepted my marriage gem.**

**YL: I'm only ten. I **_**lied.**_

**Y Ruto: Well I can wait a few years.**

**YL: I **_**lied**_**.**

**Y Ruto: You accepted my marriage proposal, so you **_**have**_** to marry me.**

**YL: I **_**lied.**_** I don't **_**have**_** to do anything. Besides I marry Zelda anyways so what's the point in starting a relationship with you?**

**Y Ruto: (Kicks Young Link in the groin.)**

**Link: (oh in an infirmary) OW! I felt that!**

**MH: Just get on with the stupid show.**

Part Twenty: Yoshi

Roy: My only defense is that Link deserved it.

Marth: Ditto.

MH: You beat the snot out of him!

Roy: You beat me to a quivering, blood pulp!

MH: And I thought you learned your lesson.

Roy: I learned not to bring up sexual topics around Lucas.

MH: …Well yes, that was part of the lesson.

Roy: Then what was the other part?

Pikachu: To do your job. Pichu's fine. He's resting right now while Zapdos runs the electricity.

MH: Why Zapdos?

Pikachu: He owes me $250. I figured this would be the quickest way for him to pay me back.

MH: Of course.

Roy: I'll apologize for injuring that imbecile, Link.

Marth: *You're gonna kill that word.*

Roy: But he should know better than to insinuate that I'm gay. It's okay if he does it to Marth, but…

Marth: I beg your pardon?

Roy: People make fun of you for being girly all the time, get over it.

Marth: And you're one of them.

Roy: You make fun of me for being an idiot.

MH: That's because you are an idiot. Just get on with the next character.

Roy: Yeah, yeah. Next up is that lovable green dinosaur, Yoshi.

(A large egg with green spots rolls onstage, knocking Roy over. Yoshi pops out of the egg, and begins chunking decorative eggs into the audience.)

Lucas: He's like the Easter Bunny…except he's not a bunny and it's not Easter…so not really.

Roy: Yoshi! How ya' been?

MH: Technically it's "how _have_ you been?"

YL: Nobody cares.

Yoshi: I've been okay. I beat King Dedede yesterday.

Kirby: Way to go Yoshi!

Yoshi: I kicked his *bleep*. Hey, we got a Bleeper.

MH: Sadly the language issue required it.

Yoshi: I think a bleeper is classy.

MH: I think it's unnecessary; you people should be able to control your language.

Pikachu: These people are so uncivilized.

MH: You have a worse mouth than half of them. Plus, you're naked.

Pikachu: That's why I don't like having a translator, and I belong to a nudist colony.

MH: Whatever.

Roy: Hey Yoshi, who's your favorite newb?

Yoshi: Pit.

Pit: Yes! Two votes. (Peach is the other one.)

Celest: You're just winning the popularity contest.

Pit: Will you go on a date with me if I win?

Celest: No.

Pit: How 'bout if I lose?

Celest: No.

Pit: How-

Celest: No.

Zelda: Be nice.

Celest: I am being nice. If I was being mean, I'd resort to physical violence.

Peach: Deep down, you know you like him.

Celest: You guys ate spicy curry for breakfast again, didn't you?

Zelda: Leave Celest alone, Peach. We still have to hook Samus and Snake up.

Samus: Zelda, you're lucky you're pregnant otherwise I so would have hit you with something.

MH: Samus, you're way too violent.

Samus: Consider it a minor flaw.

Link: It's more than a minor flaw. (Ducks as Samus' plasma whip flies over his head.)

Roy: Back to Yoshi's interview *before Master Hand kills me.*

MH: That would be nice.

Mewtwo: Him getting back on track or you killing him?

MH: …Let's not go there.

Roy: So Yoshi, what's your favorite field?

Yoshi: The new Yoshi's Island.

Roy: They made another one?

Yoshi: Yep.

Roy: Do you guys miss all the old Melee fields.

Yoshi: You can still play on some of them.

Roy: What?

Marth: Yep, and Brawl even has a Fire Emblem field.

Roy: So not fair!

Mario: Nobody cares.

Roy: That's mean.

Mario: After all the pranks you pulled, most people were glad that you left.

Roy: And then you replaced me with a swordsman who is clearly on steroids, and angel which is apparently just like me, and a belf.

Marth: A belf?

Roy: You know – a banshee-elf. A belf…or an elfanshee.

Falco: He's so screwed.

Celest: Or…(opens her mouth to utter a banshee shriek, but is jerked back by Link and Samus.)

Samus: Don't even try.

Roy: I was an asset to Super Smash Bros.!

Link: No, you were just an ass.

Roy: (Draws his sword.) Well, Link…

MH: (Takes the Sword of Seals from Roy.) Get back to interviewing Yoshi or I _will_ kill you.

Roy: (Gulps) How are things on Yoshi's Island?

Yoshi: Fine.

Roy: What's your favorite new item?

Yoshi: Definitely Smash Balls…or Assist Trophies.

Roy: Why'd all the cool stuff happen after I left?

Mario: Because Nintendo obviously hates you.

Roy: Shut up, imbecile.

Kirby: You just got unlucky.

Samus: No, fairy boy is unlucky.

Link: I have a name.

Samus: Yeah, but I like fairy boy.

Pikachu: I hope you know how degrading that nickname is.

Link: If you look at it from a Kokiri's point of view…

Ganondorf: You're a Hylian, not a Kokiri.

Link: I know that.

MH: How on earth can we keep this interview on track?

Mewtwo: Banish all the others off the stage.

MH: That's…brilliant!

Marth: You mean we can finally leave the stage and all this insanity?

MH: Yes.

Ike: Yes!

Roy: You can't do that!

MH: And why not?

Roy: Because I'm interviewing _Yoshi_. We need some true popular characters onstage to keep people from losing interest.

Yoshi: And what the *bleep* is that supposed to mean?

Yoshi-hater: It means you suck! (Hits Yoshi with a tomato.)

Yoshi-fan: Oh no you didn't.

Yoshi-hater: I did.

Yoshi-fan: (Pulls out a chainsaw) Oh it's on.

(Soon the entire audience is involved in an epic war over whether or not Yoshi is a cool character.)

Roy: Man, I wish my fans would start a war over me.

Yoshi: It happens to me all the time.

Roy: You're joking.

Yoshi: I wish I was.

Roy: Wow.

Yoshi: You said it.

Roy: Well it looks like the audience is really going at it, and…hey! That guy's hitting on Lilina! He has the nerve to hit on my girl. Hey you, guy with the flamethrower, get away from my woman!

Flamethrower guy: And if I say no?

Roy: Oh that's it. (Goes to draw the Sword of Seals, but upon realizing that Master Hand took it, steals Falchion instead.)

Marth: Hey!

Roy: I'll return it.

Lilina: (To no one in particular.) Roy's so dreamy when he's fighting for me.

YL: All right, promotion yet again! So Yoshi, do you miss me in Brawl?

Yoshi: You're in Brawl.

YL: Uh no, I'm not.

Yoshi: Uh yeah, you are (points at Link.)

YL: The I _will_ be in Brawl, but right now I'm not.

Yoshi: Whatever.

YL: What do you do in the Subspace Emergency?

Yoshi: It's Emissary.

YL: What?

Yoshi: It the Subspace _Emissary_.

YL: That's what I said.

Yoshi: No, you said Subspace _Emergency._

YL: Uh, no I didn't.

Yoshi: Uh yeah, you did.

YL: No, I said emergency.

Yoshi: Yes, you did.

YL: Wait, agreeing with me won't work like on the cartoons and…I said emergency again didn't I? *Bleep.*

Yoshi: I team up with the Older you to save Faron Woods from the Primids.

YL: Primids?

Yoshi: Tabuu's servants. They're these robot things that kinda look like the sandbags with arms, lega, an neck and torso, and well…maybe they don't look like sandbags.

Kirby: Their heads look like upside down buckets with antennae.

YL: Like those buckets from the SpongeBob Squarepants Movie?

Yoshi: Well I never saw it so…

Samus: Why did you have to bring that up?

Roy: (Back from beating up and getting beat up.) I sense a backstory.

Zelda: Young Link, Ness, and Kirby all wanted to see the SpongeBob Squarepants Movie so they forced Samus and Link to go with them. Let's just say it was…disastrous.

Roy: Elaborate.

Mewtwo: You two actually went to watch the SpongeBob Squarepants Movie with a group of kids?

Samus: We were forced to go. As in _bound_ and _gagged._ I slept through most of the movie, but it traumatized Link.

Roy: How?

Ness: He panics every time someone imitates SpongeBob's laugh. Like this. (Copies SpongeBob's annoying laugh. Link shrieks and assumes the fetal position. Ness' annoying laughter is cut short by a cry of agony as Paula activates his shock collar.)

Roy: I'll bet it was living hell.

Samus: It was actually funny when the fire started.

Roy: There was a fire in a movie underwater?

Link: No, she means the fire they (points at Ness, Kirby, and Young Link) started in the theatre.

Roy: How'd they do that?

Link: We're still trying to figure that one out (glances at Samus first).

MH: That event was not funny. It cost me a fortune to pay to have the theatre repaired, and to pay for all the injuries of the hospitalized, and to pay for a decent lawyer to get those three out of arson charges, and…

Samus: We get the picture.

Roy: Hey Ness, how did you start the fire?

Ness: I'm not talking to you.

Roy: You just did.

Ness: Fine. I joke PK fired the screen and Kirby swallowed the flame before it could do any damage. But then Kirby burped and well…

Samus: The whole building went down in flames.

Roy: I wish I could have been there.

Ness: You would have been proud; oh wait, I'm not supposed to talk to you.

Roy: Oh get over it.

MH: I suggest we move this interview back to the green Yoshi.

Roy: Yoshis are only green.

Mario: No, they can be red, blue, light blue, pink, and/or yellow in addition to green.

Roy: I thought boys were green and girls were pink.

Link: No, girls have those weird snouts.

Yoshi: That's just Birdo.

Roy: Who's she?

Yoshi: Birdo might be a cross-dressing, confused guy.

Roy: You don't know?

Mario: We don't want to know.

Roy: I see.

Mario: Birdo is one of those characters in my franchise that doesn't make sense.

Roy: Which other characters don't?

Mario: Wario, Waluigi, Toadette and Daisy.

Peach: Daisy is awesome.

Mario: But she's one of those characters people think "Where did she come from?" You know it's true.

Peach: …

Yoshi: Sometimes I wish Nintendo would just stick with us true Mario characters.

Peach: But some of the other characters are awesome.

(Another Yoshi hater throws a tomato).

Yoshi: (Pulls out a chainsaw). Oh that's it.

Roy: (Watches as Yoshi joins the brawl). Looks like it's time yet again for another commercial.

MH: Oh Roy…

Roy: (blanches) This is _not_ my fault! Young Link has audience. Blame him not me! Besides it's not my fault Yoshi sucks

(Link and Mario quickly find cover).

Yoshi: (Tuns chainsaw against Roy). Oh that's it little pyro boy. Run!

Roy: (Runs offstage screaming bloody murder.)

Lilina: (Ducks into her seat). Why does he have to act this way in public?

Zelda: We feel your pain. Well, not really, but the thought's there.

Lilina: (Dryly) Thanks.

_A/N: The chainsaw part was for you Pikana. You requested it way back in the beginning. And since I got requests to be both nice and mean to Yoshi, I started a war between the people who love and hate him. Please review! Next up is Donkey Kong._


	21. Donkey Kong

_A/N: Last time on _The SSBB Talk Show_, Roy interviewed Yoshi. The green dinosaur is equally loved and hated, and his fans and haters quickly start a war amid the audience to defend or attack the character. Roy attacks a guy with a flamethrower who is hitting on Lilina, and nearly dies but is otherwise fine. Yoshi and Young Link get into an argument. Roy learns about Tabuu's primids before also learning about a traumatic trip to the movies that the kids forced Link and Samus to attend. He then insults Yoshi, who turns his chainsaw on the pyromaniac._

**Roy: (Runs across the backstage) Ah!**

**Yoshi: I'll get you (still has a chainsaw).**

**Kirby: Shouldn't one of us help him?**

**Mario: No.**

**Link: No.**

**Marth: Absolutely not.**

**YL: But isn't that a little mean?**

**Link: No.**

**Pit: Not really.**

**Ike: Absolutely not.**

**Celticskyedancer: Well, he did insult Yoshi.**

**MH: Technically you insulted Yoshi.**

**Celticskyedancer: Shut up.**

**Link: Will you just leave already?**

**Celticskyedancer: Do you have a problem with me?**

**Link: Yes, yes I do…Ow! (Glares at Zelda who had elbowed him hard in the ribs.)**

**Zelda: Link's still mad at you for earlier.**

**Celticskyedancer: I don't see why. I've forgiven him.**

**Zelda: Link holds grudges.**

**Link: Not all the time.**

**Roy: Ah! (Runs other direction.)**

**Yoshi: Get back here!**

Part Twenty-One: Donkey Kong

Roy: I'd like to start this next part of the show with a formal apology to Yoshi *who nearly mauled me with a chainsaw.* Yoshi, I am I sorry I insulted you last time.

Yoshi: I accept your apology Roy.

Link: Is that why you joined his team?

Yoshi: I joined his team because Mario's on it.

Link: But I'm on the Dark Side.

Shadow: We won the Dark Side back, remember?

Zelda: (via telepathy to Mewtwo) Actually when Master Hand won it back it went to our little cabal not the Blue Team.

Krystal: I want it.

Mewtwo: Eavesdropping.

Krystal: Yeah, yeah. Am I in?

Zelda: Sure.

Link: (to Yoshi) Don't our adventures in the Subspace Emissary mean anything to you?

Yoshi: Sorry but I follow Mario. Besides, the Blue Team outnumbers Roy by a lot. Roy needs some buddies.

Roy: Thank you, Yoshi.

Yoshi: No problem.

MH: Can we _please_ get introduce the next character?

Roy: Hold your socks up. (Gets zapped).

Marth: *It's keep your shirt on.*

Roy: Next up, the King of the Jungle *technically not* Donkey Kong.

(A large ape comes flying onstage. Donkey Kong lands and begins playing a beat on the bongos. Soon the whole audience is dancing.)

Marth: Roy, what are you doing?

Roy: I can't stop dancing.

Link: N00b.

Ike: Anyone know what happened to Fox and Falco?

Pit: I think they're still outside fighting.

Roy: Our fights never last that long.

Krystal: I'll go check on them. (Walks outside.)

Roy: Hey DK.

DK: Yeah?

Roy: Are you related to King Kong?

MH: What does that have to do with anything?

DK: I find that racist.

Roy: …What?

DK: Not all gorillas are automatically related. "Kong" is a very popular last name. What are you saying? That we all look the same to you?

Roy: Actually you do.

DK: *sigh* Well, if you must know, yes. He's my second cousin.

Mario: You never mentioned that before.

DK: He's always stealing the spotlight. Everywhere he goes it's like "OMG, it's King Kong. Run for your lives! Ah!" He's always making a scene, and he gets all the credit. Seriously, I can climb up a tall building with a pretty lady and fight a giant dinosaur in Tokyo. It's not a big deal. And yet he gets all the money and bonuses, and…Oh, I'm sorry I was ranting wasn't I?

Mario: Just a little bit.

Roy: It was more…oh yeah. Sarcasm, sorry.

DK: So the pyro finally learned sarcasm.

Link: Yep.

DK: Hey Link, I've been thinking. I believe the original eight smashers should go on a cruise or some other fancy vacation.

Mario: Oh yeah, that would be nice.

Samus: Not anywhere on any of my worlds.

Link: Definitely not Lake Hylia either.

Zelda: You're not going anywhere anytime soon. Not until after the baby is born. And you will have to help take care of it too.

Link: I'm not gonna ditch you or the baby.

DK: Baby? Well somebody's been a little busy.

(Link and Zelda turn a bright red).

MH: Not on public television, DK.

Krystal: (Rushes back inside). Fox and Falco are gone.

Roy: What? They're dead? No!

Link: No, you moron. She means they're missing.

Pikachu: Missing where?

Krystal: If I knew that, I'd be tracking them down.

Mario: Good point.

Kirby: Don't panic. What's the worst that could happen?

Slippy: Well, one time in Corneria City they participated in an illegal drag race and took out part of the ghetto. (Looks at Krystal).

MH: Well, there was supposed to be a street race today.

Slippy: That's probably where they went.

Krystal: Oh he is so dead when I get my claws on him.

DK: Why does this game have so many troublemakers?

Samus: Diddy Kong is just as bad as half of them.

DK: It's not his fault your missile launcher malfunctioned.

Samus: Not my fault either.

DK: Didn't say it was.

Samus: You insinuated it.

DK: Not necessarily.

MH: Just get on with the *bleep* interview.

Samus: Fine.

Roy: So Donkey Kong…

DK: Let Master Hand interview me.

MH: Actually, Roy's the host.

DK: You had some of Snake's "Virgin" margaritas when you made that decision, didn't you? Hey, I don't blame you. They were some *bleep* good margaritas.

Ike: They were pretty good.

Roy: JUST LET ME INTERVIEW DONKEY KONG! (Awkward silence). So DK, is it true that you were originally a villain?

DK: Yeah, I was the villain in Jump Man.

Roy: Who's Jump Man?

Mario: That would be me.

Roy: You can jump!

Mario: What's that supposed to mean? My jumping skills are better than yours.

Roy: But you're fat. Fat people can't jump.

Mario: (twitches) I am not fat. I may be a bit plump, but I'm not fat. Wario is fat.

Samus: Wario's not fat. He's obese. There is a huge difference.

DK: Jump Man was an arcade game.

Roy: You mean like Pacman?

Marth: (Shrieks and assumes the fetal position.)

DK: (Looks at Marth) Do I want to know?

Mario: Long story; I'll tell you later.

Roy: We can tell him now.

MH: No, we can't. You have to interview Donkey Kong.

Roy: But interviewing people is boring.

Link: You still never finished our interviews.

Roy: Well what questions am I supposed to ask you?

MH: *Definitely not questions about question.*

Ness: Just go with the first question that comes to mind.

All: No!

Yoshi: Do not leave that door open. Roy could turn this show way off track and heading in the wrong direction.

Roy: Ooh! I got a question. Hey DK, what's your opinion of this Snake guy? I'm getting mixed answers from the people onstage. Ike says he's cool, but Samus hates him.

DK: Samus doesn't hate Snake.

Roy: She makes it sound like she does.

DK: She only pretends to hate Snake.

Samus: You're just as bad as Peach and Zelda.

DK: There's obviously some kind of chemistry between you two.

Samus: Yes, I want to strangle his neck.

DK: (shrugs) Hey, I never said it was positive chemistry.

Roy: No, but seriously DK, what's this Snake guy like?

Samus: Arrogant, paranoid, a peeping Tom…

Roy: I asked DK, not you.

DK: Well he is paranoid, but he is also very interesting once you get to know him.

Roy: Interesting how?

Samus: Well he has a habit of talking to himself when he thinks no one is listening.

Roy: Asked DK not you.

Marth: He doesn't talk to himself.

Link: Actually he does.

Samus: Well actually he's talking to outside help.

Mario: Outside help is not allowed.

Samus: He talks to different people on the Shadow Moses field.

Peach: Talks about what?

Samus: Whomever he's fighting.

Zelda: So what did he say about you?

Samus: That I'm apparently his "type of woman."

Link: Learn anything else?

Samus: He doesn't like Sonic.

Sonic: But we're roommates! How can he not like me?

Mario: *It's kinda easy.*

MH: It's probably because you got fan-voted in and he didn't.

Peach: Wait a minute…how do you know about all of Snake's conversations anyways?

Samus: You can hear him talking when watching his matches.

Zelda: Mm-hm. Right. *Stalker.*

Peach: And why are you watching _Snake's_ matches.

Samus: His matches are much more interesting than say Ike versus Marth.

Ike: And why are my matches against Marth boring?

Samus: You've seen one match between you two, you've seen them all. At least Snake varies his fighting styles.

Peach: And how do you know that? Hmm?

Samus: You are impossible (storms offstage).

Zelda: You know, you're not exactly helping your cause.

(A blond mage in red sneaks backstage.)

Mage: Hey Marth…

Marth: What is it, Ellerean?

Ellerean: Is your sister here?

Ellis: Over here, Ellerean. (Very tersely) What is it?

Ellerean: One sec. (Goes outside and drags a dead, green-haired mage inside.) Can you fix this?

Ellis: (Eyes blazing). You killed my boyfriend?

Marth: …Boyfriend?

Ellerean: That's uh…that's one way to put it.

Ellis: There is no other way to put it.

(Meanwhile, a speechless Marth is pointing from Ellis to the green-haired mage.)

Ellis: Oh for Anri's sake, it's not that hard Marth.

Marth: Since when did you start liking Merric back?

Ellis: I'll answer that in a second. (To Ellerean) What happened?

Ellerean: Just so you know, I didn't intentionally kill him this time. We were uh…fighting at the Mage Festival…

Ellis: Mage Festival? That little liar! He told me he couldn't come to this interview because he was sick.

Ellerean: Yeah, well…he sort of got accidently hit in the head with my Thoron spell and well…yeah, that's about it.

Ellis: (Glaring at Ellerean) You're lucky I have the Aum Staff. (Raises it and revives Merric. All the smashers stare at her in shock).

Ellerean: Uh thanks…(hightails it outside.)

Link: You know, Marth, when you said there nothing of particular interest about your sister, I believe being able to raise the dead constitutes as something interesting.

Marth: It's not that big of a deal.

Ike: Name on person other than Ellis or a deity who can raise the dead.

Marth: …

Ike: Exactly.

Merric: (Sits up slowly, lloinmg around the room with a moan.) Where am I?

Marth: Ellis' boyfriend?

Merric: Oh…Marth. Well I was going to tell you.

Marth: But you didn't.

Merric: Why are you acting so surprised? You knew I had a crush on her.

Marth: But I didn't know when she started liking you back.

Merric: It was right after we defeated Medeus for the second time, and I had to rescue Ellis from that mind trance when you couldn't. Yeah, that would be it. Why? Do you not approve?

Marth: It's not that I don't approve. It's just that when your best friend is dating your older sister and doesn't bother to tell you, it looks suspicious.

Roy: I thought I was your best friend.

Marth: You're my best friend from Melee; he's my best friend from Altea. Besides, you're on the pending friends list.

Ellis: Speaking of not telling people…the Mage Festival?

Merric: (turns pale) Well…you see…it's only once a year and being the first mage from Fire Emblem…

Ellis: You promised that you would come to Marth's interview. Then you lied about being sick.

Merric: I'm sorry, Ellis, but…it's the Mage Festival! Come on!

Ellis: (Grabs Merric's arm) Well now you have to stay for the rest of this talk show.

Merric: But Marth's interview is over.

Ellis: (Glares at Merric).

Merric: Yes dear.

Link: We know who wears the pants in that relationship.

Roy: We know who wears the pants in Marth's relationship.

(The boys all laugh at Marth, who's still in a dress.)

Marth: Shut up.

Roy: You are a pathetic example of manliness, Marth. Men are supposed to be in charge. They don't take no crap from women.

Lilina: Roy, shut up.

Roy: Yes dear.

Ike: *Hypocrite.*

Pit: We know who wears the pants in Link's relationship.

Link: (proudly) Yep, me.

Ike: No, you wear skirts and tights.

Link: (Scowling) Tunics and leggings.

Roy: _Right_.

Link: Unlike your girlfriends, Zelda would never boss me around.

Zelda: Hey Link, do you think it's hot in here?

Link: (Gets up, goes backstage, and turns the air conditioning down. As he returns to seat, realization strikes him.) You've got me trained!

Zelda: Good boy (tosses him a doggie biscuit.)

Link: Woman, I will not stand for this!

Audience: Ooh!

Zelda: (Leaps to her feet and z-snaps) You did not just call me woman.

Link: (Sweat-drops and begins backing up.) Well…you know woman can be used as a sign of respect.

Zelda: Not anymore and not the way you used it.

Link: I'm sorry honey, but…(sees the murderous look in Zelda's eyes.) I'm going. (Runs off screaming.)

Mario: Is it me or do all Nintendo girls rule their boyfriends?

MH: Including you?

Mario: Including me.

Ike: Not me.

Mist: Shut up.

Soren: Dude, you are so whipped.

DK: That's why I'm single. Never have to worry about women.

Roy: Maybe I should follow your advice.

Kirby: It would't last. Dude, _you_ are so whipped.

Roy: …Yeah.

(Bell rings.)

Roy: All right! Back after this commercial break.

_A/N: These guys are owned by their girls. I hoped you enjoyed the chapter. Please feel free to click the review button right below this. Next up is Snake!_


	22. Snake

_A/N: Last time Roy interviewed Donkey Kong and learned that King Kong is our Nintendo hero's second cousin. Donkey Kong immediately started a rant about how much he hates his more famous relative. Roy calls Mario fat and disses his jumping skills. Roy tries to learn more about Snake, but Samus keeps putting her own opinions in. Upon learning that Samus frequently watches Snake's matches, Zelda and Peach immediately accuse her of being a stalker. Ellerean (a mage from Fire Emblem III) arrives with a dead Merric (Marth's childhood friend and powerful friend.) He needs Ellis' Aum Staff to revive his rival. Marth learns that Merric and Ellis are now dating while Ellis learns that Merric lied to her to attend the Mage Festival. It culminates in an argument which Ellis wins, leading all the guys to discuss who wears the pants in their relationships. Link also realizes that Zelda has him trained. Without further ado…_

Warning: There are a lot of sexual innuendos in this chapter. Read at your own risk.

**Peach: So you're Ellis' boyfriend and Marth's best friend.**

**Merric: Yes.**

**Ike: So you're going to be Marth's brother-in-law soon? Soren, don't get any ideas.**

**Soren: I don't like Mist like that. At all.**

**Mist: And I definitely don't like Soren like that…no offense Soren.**

**Soren: (shrugs) None taken.**

**Celticskyedancer: And you're a mage?**

**Merric: I was the first mage from a Fire Emblem game.**

**Soren: What was your main element?**

**Merric: Wind. I mastered the spell Excalibur.**

**Soren: I take it that is the most powerful wind spell.**

**Merric: Yep.**

**Celticskyedancer: Excalibur?**

**Merric: You better believe it!**

**Celticskyedancer: Well that's a weird name for a spell.**

**Merric: That is an epic name for a spell.**

**Marth: I'm with our resident nut-job. That is a weird spell.**

**Celticskyedancer: Do you want me to torture you in numerous ways?**

**Marth: (meekly) No ma'am.**

**Roy: Lilina's a mage also, but she's more of a fire person.**

**Ike: Soren's a wind type.**

**Link: So Marth and Ike both have best friends who specialize in wind magic? Add that to the list.**

**Marth: The list?**

**Link: The list of how you two are alike. It's fairly long.**

**Celticskyedancer: Can I see your spell?**

**Merric: Of course. Behold (dramatic pause) Excalibur!**

**(The mage raises a large sword over his head. Eyes widened as the weight of the sword causes him to collapse, pinned to the group by the heavy weapon.)**

**Merric: This never happened.**

**Marth: (Holding back laughter) I beg to differ. (Takes a picture).**

**MH: Who messed with the props? Crazy!**

**(Maniacal laughter answers him).**

**MH: Why am I stuck looking after you? Oh, yeah. That hag ordered it. (Gets zapped by his mother). I probably deserved that. We're on in three.**

Part Twenty-Two: Snake

Roy: So welcome back to Fox and Falco.

Falco: (To a furious Master Hand) Okay, we're sorry for taking out that antique store. The damages weren't that much.

MH: Yes, they were. Antiques are expensive. That's why they're antiques.

Fox: They should just make antiques less breakable.

MH: You two should just be more careful.

Fox: What do you want from us! We're tied to our seats! We're already being punished enough.

Roy: At least I didn't break any antiques.

MH: No, but you broke plenty of other stuff.

Roy: Anyways, I pulled some strings with management so help me welcome Snake to the stage.

Samus: I'm gone.

(An explosion tears the roof off the studio. The song "Secret Agent Man" starts playing. A mini-helicopter hover device floats through the gaping hole in the roof. Still no sign of Snake.)

Roy: Where is he?

(A figure leaps out of a cardboard box and seizes Roy. In only seconds, Roy is on the ground bound and gagged.)

Samus: (clearly not impressed). You're about two seconds slower than when you ambushed Ike yesterday.

Ike: You saw that! Oh Yune…

Snake: There was a kink in the rope. It took two seconds to undo it.

Samus: Uh-huh.

Roy: *Mmf.*

MH: Snake, will you kindly untie our host and then explain to me why there is a gaping hole in the roof.

Snake: The explosion was a distraction so my real entrance would be practically unnoticed.

Samus: So you plan out something dramatic just to be subtle?

Snake: Well if you want dramatic but subtle…

Samus: (Points her paralyzer at Snake.)

Snake: Let's not go there then.

Roy: So Snake, what is your game series called?

Snake: Metal Gear Series. Surely you've heard of it.

Roy: Nope. I don't anything outside of the Nintendoverse.

Link: Another dumb*bleep* word from our resident authoress.

Marth: Link, are you trying to get on celticskyedancer's bad side?

MH: Snake, let me rephrase that question: who's going to pay for the big, gaping hole in the ceiling? We can't have you destroying the studio without someone paying to have it repaired.

Snake: You've got the money to repair it.

MH: That's not the issue. The issue is that _you_ blasted the hole in the roof so _you_ should be the one to pay for its repair.

Snake: _I_ don't have that kind of money!

MH: Then _you_ should have thought about that before _you_ blew a big hole in the roof.

Roy: Master Hand, _I _kind of have to interview Snake.

MH: _My_ financial issues are much more important than this interview. Trust me.

Snake: Hey Sammy, _you're _rich, right?

Samus: _I'm_ not giving you _my_ money so you can pay for something _you _did.

Mewtwo: What's with all this emphasis on pronouns?

Snake: Well then I have to think of some ways to make money fast.

Ike: Good luck.

Snake: Well I can already think of some; Samus, if you're interested…

Samus: (Points her gun at him again).

Snake: All right then. You're loss.

(Samus moves to punch him, but Master Hand intercepts.)

MH: Samus, you can beat him up as much as you want _after_ his interview, but for now I'm going to impose the same punishment as if you abuse Roy.

Samus: That is so not fair. Snake aggravates me ten times more than Roy does.

Snake: And this punishment would be?

MH: She has to wear a halter dress and stiletto heels for the rest of the show.

Snake: Baby, you can beat me up all you want.

Samus: And I suppose you expect me just to flaunt my body like a slut afterwards?

Snake: Well you can start by flaunting those amazing legs.

Samus: Like I'd show you my legs.

Snake: Well if you're not going to show me your legs, I can think of some other things I'd like to see (eying her up and down.)

Samus: (Resisting the urge to punch him). It's not worth it; it's not worth it.

MH: Roy, I suggest you get on with the interview before this becomes rated M.

Roy: Okay. So Snake, who's your nemesis?

Snake: I have a few, but my main two would be Liquid and Ocelot.

Roy: What kind of a name is Liquid?

Snake: It's short for Liquid Snake.

Roy: So you're Solid Snake and you fight a Liquid Snake? Wait; are you two related?

Snake: Well kind of…I guess you could say he's my twin brother, but it's confusing.

Roy: Is he here?

Snake: I made sure he wasn't.

Mario: I've got a question. What's this about outside help?

Snake: What?

Mario: Samus claims that you receive information on the smashers via an outside source.

Snake: You'll need proof.

Samus: Let's see. How about our last match on Shadow Moses Island? You talked to someone about me as both Samus and Zero-Suit Samus.

Snake: Would this be the one where you had fun with the smart bombs, and I couldn't sit straight for a week?

Samus: That would be the one.

Snake: Well, I don't consider those contacts outside help. They're not much help.

Mario: But you do have contacts?

Snake: I have contacts not outside help. Again – they're not much help.

Sonic: So why don't you like me? I'm Sonic the Hedgehog! Everybody loves me!

Mario: Not necessarily…

Snake: I just don't.

Sonic: But we're roommates!

Snake: Only because I'm Konami and you're SEGA.

Roy: Are your outside contacts here?

Snake: Yep. There's the Commander, Otacon, and Mei Ling.

Roy: Young Link…

YL: I'm on it. Move it, ladies.

Snake: Link, why is there a mini version of you with a bunch of girls, including one who looks like Zelda.

Link: That's Young Link – basically me as a ten-year-old. And he decided to start a polygamy sect.

Snake: Isn't he a bit young to know about polygamy.

Link: Well I'm pretty sure he learned it from Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: You have no proof.

Link: All the evidence points straight to you.

Ganondorf: What evidence?

Link: When I find out, I'll let you know.

Snake: Anything else I should know about?

Link: Roy's an idiot.

Snake: How much of an idiot?

Link: The worst kind.

Roy: Hey Link, don't go spreading lies about me.

YL: Can I interview the "outside help" now.

Roy: Sure.

Snake: Not outside help.

YL: So you are?

Woman: I am Mei Ling.

YL: Since we're on the topic of hated characters, who else does Snake not like?

Otacon: He doesn't like that Lucario.

Mewtwo: Thank you, a sane person. Finally.

Kirby: I thought you liked Lucario and Meta Knight.

Snake: Meta Knight's cool although I know next to nothing about him. I would like Lucario if he'd stop touching my box! No one touches my box! (To Samus). Although you can touch my box anytime you want.

Samus: Only ten more mintues till commercial break.

Mewtwo: I agree that Lucario is a heinous being.

Kirby: You don't even know him!

Mewtwo: So?

Kirby: You are so jealous.

Mysterious voice: Hello Samus.

(Samus leaps out of her seat with a shriek before whirling around to face a ghostly apparition of Captain Falcon.)

Samus: What the *bleep* are you doing here?

CF: I'm Death.

(Blank faces from everyone).

CF: (Grabs a chalkboard) Let me explain. After I died from blood loss due to Samus' pure hotness, I met the gorgeous goddess Paluetena. However, I must have done something to annoy her because she banished me to hell. Well, I got kicked out of hell by Medusa…

Pit: Is that even possible?

CF: So I ran into the Grim Reaper. He was tired of doing his job so I took over and now I'm Death.

Roy: Dude!

CF: I know; I can be anywhere at any time. (Glances at Samus.)

Samus: (Crosses her arms in front of her chest with a shudder.) Oh god, pervert!

Snake: How did you die in the first place?

Link: He saw Samus in the halter dress and had a massive nosebleed.

Snake: You lucky son of a *bleep*.

Samus: Gods this is ridiculous. I'm gone. (Gets up to leave).

CF: Samus, no! (Starts to follow her but is held back by two policemen.)

Samus: I still have a restraining order out on you.

CF: Oh Samus, there's no need to…fine. I'll admire from a distance.

Zelda: That's the best you'll get out of him.

Samus: *sigh* I suppose. *I wonder if it's possible to kill Death.*

Roy: (Noticing the death glares Master Hand is giving him even though he doesn't have a face.) Okay, back to the interview. So Snake, why don't you tell the audience a little about yourself?

MH: He should have started with that question. He should start with that every interview.

Snake: Well I'm a mercenary-soldier for the United States. Go U.S.A.! Russia sucks!...Sorry, that kind of slipped out. Anyways I go on top-secret mission, and well…that's really about it.

Roy …seriously?

Snake: I could tell you more, but then I'd have to kill you.

Roy: Ooh. (Shoves the microphone in Snake's face.)

Snake: I wasn't joking. I would seriously have to kill you in cold blood.

Roy: (nervously) Okay…well we wouldn't want that.

Ganondorf: Yes we would.

Roy: No, we wouldn't.

?: Snake, you *bleep, bleep, bleep.*

Snake: Nice to see you too, Liquid. How the *bleep* did you get in here?

Mario: Yeah! We hired two elite Final Fantasy guards. (Guess who ;)

Liquid: Well, I'm very sneaky…and they take bribes.

Mario: Oh. Next time we get guys from Mortal Kombat.

Snake: What are you doing here?

Liquid: I came to settle the score between us.

Snake: I'm kind of in the middle of an interview.

Liquid: I can see that.

MH: It's really an important interview.

Liquid: My revenge is kind of important.

MH: There's only about five minutes of this interview left.

Liquid: Oh. Well I can wait. (Starts eying Samus).

Samus: Take your eyes off me unless you want to die.

Snake: Yeah, get your eyes of my woman. (Places an arm around Samus).

Samus: (Quickly downs Snake) You're woman? I am nobody's woman, certainly not yours. And Snake, if you ever touch me again, I swear I will personally castrate you.

Snake: (Winces but follows with a smirk) Well if you're going…

MH: Snake, you go there, and I will ensure a painful death. We are not going there on this show. Ever.

Snake: Sorry.

Roy: I'm confused.

DK: There's a surprise.

Roy: What's that supposed to mean?

Pit: Plain and simple – you're stupid!

Roy: What? Why you ungrateful apprentice! (Attacks Pit.)

MH: Roy. Roy! ROY!

Snake: I don't think he'll listen to you.

MH: He'll listen to pain.

Mario: Just fire him and let me take over. I'll finish Snake's interview. So about this outside help…

Snake: Listen, it's not outside help. They're not help at all. They have yet to tell me anything useful.

Mei Ling: I beg your pardon.

Snake: You're the worst. You wanted me to kidnap Pikachu.

Pikachu: What!

Mei Ling: Well…you're so adorable! I just wanted a Pikachu so bad.

Pikachu: Well there's no denying that I'm the King of Cuteness.

Kirby: I thought I was the King of Cuteness.

Pikachu: You're the Prince of Cuteness, but you are the King of Puffballs.

Snake: So anyways, Mario, my conversations are more of a distraction than anything else. Besides, Fox and Falco and Wolf have outside help.

Fox: Not help. They're just a distraction.

Mario: They're Nintendo. They get special privileges.

Snake: That's game system racism.

Samus: Snake raises a good point.

Mario: Of course _you'd_ take his side.

Samus: What is that supposed to mean?

Snake: Plain and simple, love – you like me.

Samus: I'd like to kill you.

Snake: You said "I like you."

Samus: Not in that order.

Snake: Personally, I think you're crazy about me.

Samus: Personally I think you're just plain crazy.

Peach: It doesn't help that Zelda says you need to get laid.

Samus: Well remind me to thank the pregnant woman. (Glares at said Hyian princess.)

Zelda: You do, and you'll thank me later.

(Pit stumbles back, wounded by one of Roy's attacks.)

CF: (Dark smoke emits from him and a scythe appears in his hand.) Pit (in a dark, menacing voice) it is your time.

Pit: (eyes wide) What? But I'm too young to die!

CF: That's what they all say. It is your time. (With a wave of his scythe, Pit vanishes.)

Roy: What the…

Link: Great! You killed Pit! Great job Roy.

Roy: Wha- I didn't…You can bring him back, right Captain Falcon?

CF: I can only take away the dead people; I can't bring them back. I'm Death not Life.

Pikachu: I can't believe you just killed Pit. Way to go Roy! Jerk.

Roy: But I…I didn't mean to. He wasn't even that badly injured. Ellis or Mist could have healed him.

Ellis: We're clerics, not miracle workers.

Roy: But Ellis has a staff that can bring the dead back to life.

Ellis: It only has enough energy for one use during a twenty-four hour period, and I used it on Merric.

Link: So Pit's dead! You killed him Roy; you killed him. I hope you'll be able to sleep at night.

Roy: I…I…I…

MH: Stop stuttering and do your job.

Liquid: Has it been five minutes yet?

MH: No, not yet.

Roy: There's no way I could have killed Pit.

MH: Roy, interview!

Roy: I just might have killed Pit and you expect me to go all peppy to interview Snake?

MH: Ellis can revive him tomorrow or I can bribe Palutena. Go buy a Phoenix Down if it makes you feel better. Now get on with the interview!

Samus: Yes please, so Liquid and Snake can go kill each other and get out of my life.

Snake: You know you want me babe.

Samus: Do you want me to beat you to a quivering, bloody pulp?

Snake: As long as it's in a bed, you can beat me up all you want.

(A bell sounds offstage).

Snake: What's that?

MH: A bell which signals a commercial break, and the end of this interview.

Samus: Which means I can beat you up without any consequences.

Snake: I'd love to pleasure you Samus, but Liquid and I have a score to settle.

Samus: (Draws her plasma whip). Oh I don't think so. I've put up with your snarky comments all interview long. I am not one to let any insult go unavenged.

Liquid: I have been tracking Snake down for three years, seeking my revenge.

Samus: I'll have Ellis and/or Mist heal him so he can fight you afterwards.

Liquid: Oh. Well in that case have at him. This could actually be interesting.

Snake: (pales) What? No, you're supposed to be my excuse to get out of a beating.

Liquid: Since when have I ever helped you?

Snake: Good point. (To Samus) Listen babe, I know you are angry…

Samus: I'm beyond angry. I'm really *bleeped* off.

Snake: Well yes, but…(Samus cracks her plasma whip.) I'm gone; see you!

Samus: Come back here you no good *bleep, bleep, bleep.*

_A/N: Hope everyone enjoyed the chapter, especially Captain Falcon's return as Death. And now I have to go…(Runs away from the angry Pit fans). Next up is Lucario!_


	23. Lucario

_A/N: Last time on the Talk Show, Roy interviewed Snake. Snake ended up destroying the roof in his entrance, leading a furious Master Hand to demand who would pay for the roof. Snake tries to convince Samus to lend him some money, but to no avail. Mario interrogates Snake about his "outside help" to which Snake replies is more of a distraction than actual help. Captain Falcon returns from the dead as Death (the Grim Reaper quit). Liquid shows up to take his revenge on Snake, but is forced to wait until the end of the interview. Pit insults Roy who attacks Pit in retaliation. Pit is wounded, and Captain Falcon declares that Pit's time is up, sending Pit to the realm of the dead. The other smashers immediately get on Roy's back about killing the angel. Despite Roy's protests, no one forgives him and the interview ends with a very pissed off Samus ready to kill Snake for all the risqué comments he has been making throughout the show. She promises not to have Snake killed so Liquid can fight him afterwards._

**Samus: Thank god that he is finally gone.**

**Peach: You know you miss him.**

**Samus: We can have this conversation all day, and I will never admit to anything.**

**Zelda: Which means you have something to admit.**

**Roy: Come on Master Hand, you have to bring Pit back.**

**MH: I can't raise the dead. Go buy a Phoenix Down; they work just fine.**

**Link: Tell that to Aerith Gainsborough.**

**Roy: I didn't mean to kill Pit; there has to be something I can do.**

**MH: Once a person is dead, they are dead.**

**Yoshi: So you killed Pit! Way to go Roy! Way to go. **

**Roy: I didn't mean to.**

**Link: That doesn't change the fact that you did.**

**Celticskyedancer (to Zelda): Isn't Pit immor-**

**Zelda: Shut up or I will blast you to a million pieces.**

**Celticskyedancer: You can't be serious. That's cruel.**

**Marth: Roy kind of deserves it; besides, it was Pit's idea.**

**Celticskyedancer: This isn't funny; it's mean.**

**Mewtwo: No, it's funny.**

**Dr. Mario: I'm with Mewtwo. This is funny. Just look at Roy's face.**

**Celticskyedancer: He looks like he's going to cry.**

**Mario: He'll laugh when this is done, trust me.**

**Celticskyedancer: But I think you pissed off the Pit fans.**

**Mario: …Well, um…We will have to address that in a minute.**

**Peach: When this is all done, we'll explain everything to everyone.**

**MH: (to Roy) Stop whining and get on stage!**

**Roy: Okay…**

Part Twenty-Three: Lucario

Roy: Well Snake and Liquid are in some ultimate fight to the death so hopefully we'll see him later. Hopefully Liquid won't kill him.

Link: Like you killed Pit?

Roy: It was an accident!

Mario: Manslaughter is just a nice way of saying murder.

Roy: I didn't mean to kill him.

Falco: That doesn't change the fact that you did.

Ike: I bet he was just jealous that Pit was more popular.

Roy: No! Well, I was jealous, but…that's not why I killed him.

Peach: Then why did you kill him?

Roy: It was an accident; I'm sorry.

Link: Tell that to Pit…oh wait. He's dead. You can't because you killed him.

MH: Just leave Roy alone so he can interview the next smasher. What's done is done; he killed Pit and we can't bring him back.

Roy: (almost in tears) You're just making it worse.

MH: Just go on with the interview, and you'll forget about it. *Your attention span isn't that long anyways.*

Roy: Fine. I suppose the show must go on.

MH: (uncharacteristically cheerful) That's the spirit.

Roy: Introducing the aura Pokémon extraordinaire – Lucario.

(Aura balls fly through the audience, making fireworks when they collide. Lucario leaps up into the air and begins to fire his Final Smash.)

Lucario: Kamehameha!

(An energy beam blasts Lucario into the wall.)

Goku: Only Super Saiyans can use that prhase.

Lucario: Sorry Goku. *You'd think with the same voice actor I could use that line.* (He leaps back into the air.) I'm a-firin' my lazer, blah!

(Shoop-de-woop comes out of nowhere and blasts Lucario.)

Shoop-de-woop: That's my line!

Lucario: Fine. (He leaps up into the air again.) Watch my power, huh! (His laser slices down into the middle of the stage.)

Roy: …That…was…AWESOME!

MH: And he already forgot.

Lucario: (to Roy) And you are…the host?

Roy: I'm Roy of Pherae – ex-smasher and host of the Super Smash Bros. Talk Show.

Lucario: You're half dragon?

Roy: Yeah! How'd you know?

Lucario: I sensed it in your aura.

Roy: Neat. My aura must be awesome…what is an aura?

Lucario: It's like a person's energy and life force.

Roy: Cool. What else does my aura say about me?

Lucario: That you like fire, have a romantic connection to that blue-haired girl in the audience, enjoy pranks, and have the intelligence and attention span of a three-year-old.

Roy: Neat…wait! That last part was an insult wasn't it?

Lucario: I suppose it can be taken as an insult, but I meant it only as a simple fact of life.

Roy: Well…

MH: _Interview_.

Roy: Oh right. Lucario, why don't you tell the audience a little bit about yourself?

Lucario: Well I'm known as the aura Pokémon. I can sense the aura of living things and manipulate it. I also apparently look like the Egyptian god Anubis.

Roy: Holy *bleep* you do.

Lucario: Yes well…I'm a fighting and metal type and get stronger with the more damage I take.

Roy: That's a useful ability. I wish my attacks did that. My full damage is an instant KO, but damages me.

Mario: Was.

Roy: Huh?

Mario: Your full charge attack was an instant KO. You are no longer a smasher so your attacks do squat.

Roy: Oh my attacks do more than squat.

Mario: Bring it on Flare Boy.

Roy: That's Flare King, fatty.

Mario: (twitches) What did you call me?

Roy: Fat-tay.

Mario: Oh you are so dead. I'll kill you worse than you killed Pit.

Roy: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

(Mario proceeds to beat Roy into a bloody pulp.)

MH: *sigh* Will…

YL: Will my promotion be permanent this time?

MH: I was going to say will _Dr. Mario_ please come to the stage and interview Lucario.

Mewtwo: How about we just murder Lucario?

Ike: Like Roy murdered Pit?

Roy: I didn't murder him!

Lucario: Pit's…dead?

Samus: Yep. Roy killed him near the end of Snake's interview.

Lucario: That's not possible.

Fox: I know; we all find the news shocking, but…

Lucario: No. Pit's an angel. He's immor-

Marth: Shut up; we are punking Roy.

Lucario: But isn't making Roy think he killed Pit a little – I don't know – harsh?

DK: Roy has saran-wrapped half the Mansion, t.p.'d my house, crashed various vehicles multiple times…

Samus: My ship three times.

Lucario: Is he suicidal?

Peach: Sometimes we think so.

DK: And he has added insult to injury multiple times on this show alone.

Ganondorf: And he destroyed part of the Mansion in a drunken rage.

Lucario: Okay, I get the picture. Is he always that much trouble?

Dr. Mario: Yes, yes he is. Anyways while my counterpart is busy teaching Roy his lesson, why don't you tell the audience about your role in the Subspace Emissary.

Lucario: Well I wasn't too concerned until Meta Knight and the Ice Climbers showed up and interrupted my blissful day of meditation.

Falco: Only you would find meditation blissful.

Lucario: Anyways, I beat Meta Knight.

Kirby: He's still mad at you for that.

Lucario: I realize that. I beat him then we ditch the Ice Climbers to go rescue the Halberd from an evil Mr. Game and Watch. On board the ship we run into Snake…speaking of which, where is he?

Fox: He had to settle the score with his evil twin.

Lucario: Wow. He actually has an evil twin. Most people use that excuse, but I've never actually met a person who can actually claim to have an evil twin.

Dr. Mario: Do you have an evil twin?

Lucario: I wish.

YL: Maybe Mewtwo can be your evil twin.

Mewtwo: I refuse to have anything to do with that heinous being.

Lucario: Heinous?

Mewtwo: Yes, heinous.

Lucario: Fine. If you have a complaint with me, let's settle it the old-fashioned way.

(Both leap up into the air, power gathering around them. Dead silence fills the stadium before the chant of "fight, fight, fight…" is taken up. Mewtwo and Lucario stare each other down for an entire minute before attacking each other, balls of psi and aura colliding in a brilliant, beautiful, breathtaking display of fireworks.)

MH: Can we have one chapter without someone getting in a fight? To all you reading this, is that too much to ask for? Yes, I broke the fourth wall; deal with it. (I expect an answer to the question in your review.)

Dr. Mario: Did you seriously just break the fourth wall?

MH: Oh, I seriously broke the fourth wall,

Dr. Mario: You cannot just break the fourth wall in the middle of a story.

MH: I am the almighty Master Hand. I can do whatever I want. Hey Mewtwo and Lucario! Stop fight…ing. Oh my god. (Enraptured by the fireworks created by Mewtwo and Lucario.) I can't look away; it's beautiful.

Dr. Mario: If you just go around breaking fourth walls…What are you staring at?

MH: Poetry in motion.

Dr. Mario: That makes absolutely no sense. (Looks up) Mother of Princess Peach! I never knew what poetry in motion looked like; I thought I did, but I didn't. That is poetry in motion. Wow. I have never seen anything so beautiful.

MH: I know. I could watch that all day and be happy, which Is a big deal for me.

Falco: Oh come on, a couple of fireworks aren't that great. (Looks up.) Nope, I was wrong.

Fox: Falco. Falco? Falco! No, we've lost him! Krystal, Slippy, we have to…(Both Krystal and Slippy are staring awestruck at the lights.) Oh well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. (He lounges back in a seat, places an arm around Krystal and stares up at the lights.) Hey! This is pretty entertaining for a bunch of purple and blue lights.

Mario: (finished pwning Roy) What's everyone looking at? (Looks up.) Is that what heaven looks like? Peach, look up.

Peach: I am. Isn't it amazing?

Mario: I daresay it's more beautiful than you.

Peach: I should be angry, I really should, but I'm not. After all, I can only agree with you.

CF: I have actually found something that surpasses Samus in beauty.

Samus: (Looking at her nails.) Now all they've got to do is keep this fight up and my Captain Falcon problem will be no more.

DK: Look up, Samus.

Yoshi: Join us.

Samus: No, it's not that great.

Ness: *Le gasp* You don't mean that. You can't judge this until you see it.

Samus: Listen, I have seen much more impressive things than those flashing lights.

Lucas: Look up!

Kirby: You know you want to.

Samus: Fine. (Looks up. Her eyes get really wide.) They make me want to forget every bad thing that happened in my traumatic childhood and stressful life as a bounty hunter.

Kirby: See.

Roy: (Getting healed by Mist.) What is entertaining.

Mist: The Lucario vs. Mewtwo fight. Apparently the special effects are really pretty.

Roy: Well I have to see that.

Lilina: Roy, no! Don't look at the lights. Look into my eyes and my eyes only.

Roy: But…the sparkles.

Lilina: _My eyes_. I know it's tempting, but you can't give in. Roy, you can't…and we've lost him. (She sighs and plops down in his lap to watch the lights with him.)

Midna: (Looks up.) Is that it? _That's_ what's so impressive? Puh-lease. I can create lights like that in my sleep. It's not that awesome. (Everyone else is watching the fireworks.) I'm getting a snow cone (leaves.)

Mewtwo: You're going down, Lucario.

Lucario: If you are all that, then why did I replace you?

Mewtwo: Why you…

(Both charge their attacks and throw the giant balls of energy at each other. A giant explosion rips through the air, sending both Lucario and Mewtwo flying back into different walls.)

MH: …What just happened?

Dr. Mario: I think Lucario and Mewtwo just got in a fight.

MH: And why didn't I try to stop them?

Dr. Mario: I think the pretty lights distracted us.

Mewtwo: (Crawling out of the rubble.) Not bad.

Lucaro: Not bad yourself.

MH: Roy.

Roy: The pretty lights went bye-bye.

Link: Just like Pit?

Roy: I didn't mean to! Why won't anyone forgive me?

Ike: Because you killed Pit! Pit never did anything to you that made him earn your wrath.

Roy: I just hurt him. I've been injured worse and lived.

Ike: Pit is a delicate individual.

Roy: (Dryly) Thanks.

Celest: Well I don't hate you for killing Pit, but I'm still not fond of you.

Roy: I don't care about your opinion, hag!

Celest: (Eyes blazing) Hag! Oh that's it! (Before she can shriek however, Samus, Link, and Marth tackler her to the ground.)

Link: I'd like to keep my hearing intact, thank you very much.

Celest: (to Samus) You hate Roy also.

Samus: But I like my ability to hear more.

Roy: Anyways…where'd we leave off on the interview?

Lucario: I was telling everybody about my role in the Subspace Emissary.

Roy: Right…the plot thing.

Lucario: Anyways, Meta Knight and I sneak onto the Halberd, run into Snake, defeat an evil Zelda and Peach to rescue the real ones, ditch the princesses, then run back into them to defeat a giant two-headed robot. Afterwards we all fly to subspace to defeat Tabuu.

Roy: Who is Tabuu?

Lucario: Some giant green guy with rainbow wings.

Roy: Rainbow…(snicker)

MH: I wouldn't laugh; he could easily kick your *bleep.*

Link: He kicked your *bleep* without breaking a sweat, metaphorically speaking.

MH: (Dryly) Thank you for that comment. And for that, you get to be a doggy for the rest of the show.

Link: What! You little…bark, bark, woof, woof, howl.

Zelda: Yeah, Mr. Fuzzykiss is back! (Glomps Wolf Link).

Link: *whimper.*

Mewtwo: Again – no guy, even if he is a dog, should ever answer to Mr. Fuzzykiss. At all.

Lucario: Is this show…always so random?

Mewtwo: Yes, yes it is.

Lucario: I see.

Roy: If this Tabuu is so tough, how do you beat him?

Sonic: I totally save the day and pwn Tabuu as a Super Saiyan.

Goku: You aren't a Super Saiyan.

Sonic: Yes I am.

Goku: (goes Super Saiyan) Really?

Sonic: (goes Super Sonic) Yeah.

Goku: Hm. Impressive. You could actually be a threat.

Vegeta: But you're still a poser, so we'll have to destroy you.

Sonic: Wait! Two against one is so unfair.

Goku: The giant talking hamster has a point.

Vegeta: He's a poser; we have an obligation to keep the Saiyan race pure.

Goku: …we married humans.

Vegeta: Not pure that way. Besides, we didn't have a choice.

Sonic: Well at least let me call an ally.

Goku: We can at least give him that.

Vegeta: …Fine.

Sonic: Shadow, get your lazy *bleep* up here!

Shadow: Why should I help you?

Sonic: Haven't you always wanted to know if you were better than Vegeta?

Shadow: Well I've always wanted to take on a Super Saiyan. (Turns into Hyper Shadow.) This should be fun.

(An epic Super Saiyan fight explodes, capturing the audience's attention once again.)

Roy: That is so awesome! Destroy 'em Shadow!

Link: Like you destroyed Pit?

Roy: It was an ACCIDENT!

MH: *sigh* (Snaps his fingers, sending the Super Saiyans and hedgehogs to a distant, deserted planet.) Now they won't be a distraction…and they won't kill anybody, which means that we won't get in a lawsuit.

Samus: Like Roy killed Pit?

Roy: It was an accident. Can't anybody forgive me?

Ike: Don't apologize to us. Apologize to Pit.

Roy: I'm sorry Pit! I know you're up there in heaven, but I hope you'll be able to forgive me.

Pit: (Appearing behind Roy) Don't worry, I do.

Roy: (Leaps to his feet and hugs Pit.) You're back! I'm sorry you're dead.

Pit: (shrugs) I'm not.

Roy: …What? Oh, you got brought back to life?

Pit: …No, I never died. I'm immortal. I can't die.

Roy: …But you wounded and Captain Falcon…the smoke…and everyone… (Sees everyone's smirking faces.) Wait a second. I got punked, didn't I?

Pit: Oh you got punked big time! Oh yeah, prank king right here. The student has surpassed the Master big time.

Roy: But how did you get everybody in on it?

Pit: Courtesy of Zelda's telepathy; she let everyone know about my little plan.

Roy: But Zelda, I thought you liked me.

Zelda: I do like you Roy; you're just annoying. Besides…I like Pit better. Sorry.

Roy: So you made guilt consume me raw, and you all can just laugh about it?

Mario: After all the crap you've pulled over the years, I think you deserve much worse than Pit's little joke.

Roy: That wasn't a joke. That was just mean.

Samus: I thought it was a hysterical. You should have seen your face. It was priceless. Please tell me someone got a picture.

Pikachu: (with a camera) I got a picture.

Samus: Nice. (High-fives Pikachu.)

Roy: You guys are mean!

Pit: Sorry Roy, but you have to admit, this tops all your pranks. Looks like I'm the Prank King.

Roy: (Eyes blazing) That's it, Pit. I'll kill you even if you are immortal!

MH: Roy if you…he did. *Sigh* Just start the commercial break.

YL: This episode is sponsored by Tingle's GPS Service. Never get lost with the latest in GPS technology. Tingle's GPS Service.

Pit: Save me! Please!

(Meanwhile the planet of Pluto is destroyed so much by the Super Saiayan vs. Super Hedgehogs fight that it has been reduced to the status of mini planet.)

_A/N: And there's Lucario's chapter. I hoped everyone enjoyed it. Next chapter, I am offering the chance for __**more author cameos**__** in rescuing Pit from Roy**. Please review and let me know if you want to be in it, and what exactly you want to do (you can even help Roy if you want.) **Examples: help Roy, beat up Roy, or even kidnap Pit for yourselves**. You can pick whatever weapon of choice you want, just know that it's gonna get violent. _

_**Important: **__Also, if anyone wants me to throw an OC in here, I'll try to do it. Just send me a private message (not in your review) with the description of your OC, their likes/dislikes, pet peeves, whose side they would be on (Roy's or Marth's), which smashers they like and dislike, their fighting style, their entrance, and the story he/she is in so I can check it out and get a better idea of the character. Most will probably appear at the end, but I'll try and stick as many in between characters as possible. Thank you for reading!_

_Next up is Luigi!_


	24. Luigi

_A/N: Last chapter Roy interviewed Lucario. The smashers continue to egg on Roy for killing Pit. Roy also learns about auras from Lucario. Upon learning of Pit's fate, the smashers immediately pull Lucario into their practical joke so he will not ruin it for Roy. Also, Lucario learns much about the former smasher. Lucario proceeds to answer some questions before getting in a gigantic fight with Mewtwo, which enraptures the entire audience and crew save for Midna (who leaves to get a snow cone). Master Hand breaks the forth wall since he can do that. Finally the fight ends in a draw, and both Pokémon acknowledge the other's strength. Link insults Master Hand and gets turned into a doggy. Sonic and Shadow leave to challenge Goku and Vegeta to a Super Saiyan Fight. Pit returns alive reveal his prank of pretending to die to Roy to claim the title of prank master and Roy tries to kill Pit. Which is where we left off…_

**Roy: Pit, you little ex-friend! I'm gonna kill you!**

**Pit: Ah!**

**Celticskyedancer: Okay, this is kind of why I need your guys' help.**

**Pikana: Don't worry we got this. I'll get you Pit, you no good, dirty rotten…**

**Celticskyedancer: No, you're supposed to help Pit.**

**Pikana: (blasts her Genderella bazooka at Pit, but misses and hits Marth.)**

**Ike: Looks like Marth really is a girl.**

**Samus: Well he is wearing a dress. (See Peach's chapter.)**

**Crazy Little Yaoi Fangirl: Okay, don't worry; I got this. (Grabs Pit and proceeds to run off with him.) So long, suckers!**

**Celticskyedancer: You can't do that either!**

**MH: Why not? It's funny.**

**Celticskyedancer: **_**You're**_** letting them get away with this.**

**MH: I took some stress pills and feel so happy right now.**

**Celticskyedancer: …?**

**MH: We've got a surprise for Roy after this.**

**Celticskyedancer: …ah.**

**Roy: Come back here with Pit; I'm not done trying to kill him!**

**Lily Badens: I'll help you Roy! (Trips Crazy Little Yaoi Fangirl.)**

**Roy: Thanks, I…hey!**

**Lily Badens: (runs off with Pit.)**

**Pit: Somebody help me! I'm being abducted by fangirls!**

**Link: We're not going anywhere near those crazy authors.**

**Fruity-Fruit-Cups: Don't worry Roy. **_**I'll**_** actually help you. (Swings Morning Star at Lily Badens.)**

**Lily Badens: Hey! (Drops Pit to dodge.) That's not nice.**

**Roy: (Charges at Pit with the Sword of Seals drawn). I'll get you angel-boy!**

**Jioplip: (throws an apple pie at Roy.) Take that, pyro boy!**

**Roy: What the…you don't throw apple pies at people! You throw cream pies!**

**Jioplip: My bad. (Throws a banana cream pie at Roy, but he dodges.)**

**Roy: Ha! (Hit by a coconut cream pie.) Well at least it's tasty.**

**Zivon96: Take this Roy! (proceeds to beat the host up with a dark sword and tomes.)**

**Roy: Help!**

**Nianque: MegamanSora's almost out the door with Pit!**

**Faedra 369: Well we can't have that. Don't worry Roy; I'll get him for you! (Runs off after MegamanSora).**

**Roy: (still being beat up by Zivon96) Hello, dying here!**

**Midnight Ghost: I'll help you…**

**Roy: Thanks.**

**Midnight Ghost: Zivon96. (Proceeds to help beat up Roy.) How dare you try to kill Pit!**

**MegamanSora: (Almost out the doors.) I've almost got it…**

**Faedra 369: (Tackles MegamanSora and steals Pit) This is for Roy. (Proceeds to help beat up Pit.)**

**Pit: What did I do to deserve this?**

**YL: Well you tried to…**

**Pit: Rhetorical question!**

**ElectraGoob: Pit! (Seizes Pit from Faedra 369 and hugs him.)**

**Pit: I'm saved! Wait, what are you doing?**

**ElectraGoob: Oh nothing. (Stuffs Pit in a potato sack and charges up the stairs to the lights room.) Charge! (Along the way grabs Link's hat since he's a wolf now and proceeds to fling random items behind them.)**

**ElectraGoob: (Bursts into light room.) Hey Pichu, and…Zapdos?**

**Zapdos: I owe Pikachu money so I have to help power the lights.**

**ElectraGoob: Ah. Got any freeze-dried ice cream in here?**

**Pichu: There's some in the freezer. **

**ElectraGoob: Okay! (Digs through freezer while humming.)**

**Pit: Mmph, mmph…**

**Foxpilot: (Seizes Roy and holds a blade to his throat.) Nobody moves until Master Hand gives the author front row seats!**

**Pikana: Yeah!**

**MH: Or what? You'll kill him? I can bring him back to life.**

**Roy: Then why didn't you bring Pit back.**

**Ike: Because he wasn't really dead?**

**Roy: Oh…right. I'll get you for that, Pit!**

**Foxpilot: I'll do this. (Places the cold metal of the sword against Roy's bare skin.)**

**Roy: Ah, stop! I don't like cold stuff.**

**Foxpilot: Well?**

**MH: Fine. You can have your front row seats.**

**Mario: What about us?**

**MH: You're not holding the host hostage. And don't even think about it.**

**Foxpilot: Yes!**

**Roy: So you can let me go now.**

**Foxpilot: I wanna torture you some more.**

**.Gaming: Don't worry Roy. I'll save you! (Charges Foxpilot with sword drawn. The two engage in an epic swordfight.) Take this! (Swords begins to shoot off fireworks in all directions.)**

**Everyone: Ooh.**

**Roy: Pretty.**

**.Gaming: Roy! You were supposed to use my distraction to get Pit.**

**Roy: Sorry.**

**ElectraGoob: Hey!**

**AlteaAuroraRia: (Comes running out of the lights room chasing Pit.) Get back here angel boy.**

**Pit: She's got a scary weapon.**

**Thaelda: (It's a knife.) We will be your doom.**

**Oskye: (Also a talking knife.) You can't escape from us.**

**Marth: Okay, now that's just weird.**

**Ike: You're in a dress and girl.**

**Samus: That's not weird; it's normal.**

**Ike: …Yeah, you're right.**

**Roy: Get 'em AlteaAuroraRia. *Try saying that five times fast.***

**MLDKF: (Charges at Roy with two longswords.) For Pit!**

**Pit: I'm over hear fighting off two telepathic swords. Help me! Save me!**

**Roy: (parries MLDKF's attack.) Ha! Ah!**

**.Gaming: I've got this! (Attacks MLDKF)**

**Foxpilot: Oh no you don't!**

**(MLDKF, .Gaming, and Foxpilot all get into a massive swordfight.)**

**MLDKF: Wait! (To Foxpilot.) You're helping Pit, right?**

**Foxpilot: Yeah?**

**MLDKF: Then why are we fighting?**

**Foxpilot: Good point. (Both turn to team up on .Gaming.)**

**.Gaming: You know, I've got that thing, and well…(Sword shoots off fireworks as .Gaming retreats).**

**Pit: Hello, still in trouble over here.**

**Laguzgirl13: I'll help you Pit. (Trips AlteaAuroraRia). Take that!**

**AlteaAuroraRia: Why you little! (Gets in a fight.)**

**Ike: Go laguzgirl13!**

**Marth: Go AlteaAuroraRia!**

**Ike: Why are you cheering for her? She's helping Roy!**

**Marth: She's from Altea, duh.**

**Ike: Pikana, make him a boy again. He's starting to freak me out!**

**Pikana: Why?**

**Yoshi: Okay, ladies, break it up.**

**Laguzgirl13: Yoshi! (Glomps him.)**

**Yoshi: Edward! (From Fire Emblem, not the overrated vampire). Get your girlfriend off me.**

**Laguzgirl13: But I just want an autograph. (Dragged off by Edward). Or Ranulf's.**

**Ike: Where is Ranulf?**

**Mist: Obviously not here.**

**Ike: Well why isn't he here?**

**Randomzzz: Don't worry Pit. I've got you. (Hugs Pit).**

**Pit: …uh thanks?**

**Randomzzz: (Smirks before warping Pit away).**

**ElectraGoob: Where'd you take him?**

**Randomzzz: My author world, duh!**

**ElectraGoob: Why didn't I think of that.**

**Vampiramoonprincess: (Whacks Roy with a sword before blasting him with magic.)**

**Roy: What was that for?**

**Vampiramoonprincess: I felt like it.**

**MH: Everybody stop!**

**Celticskyedancer: Now you stop the chaos.**

**MH: The happy pills wore off. Randomzzz, bring Pit back now. The rest of you go to your seats.**

**Pikana: But…**

**MH: And turn Marth back to normal.**

**Pikana: Fine. (Blasts Marth with the Genderella.)**

**Randomzzz: Aw man. (Warps Pit back. He collapses, assuming the fetal position, clearly terrified and now sporting neko ears.)**

**MH: What did you do to him?**

**Randomzzz: Isn't Neko Pit just adorable?**

**MH: Sadly the majority of fangirls would agree with you, therefore I must make you remove them before they maul him during our show.**

**Randomzzz: Fine. (Turns Pit back to normal and stomps off.)**

**MH: Keep them in line.**

**Celticskyedancer: I'm not their babysitter.**

**MH: Now.**

**Celticskyedancer: I'll tell your mother.**

**MH: She can't do anything. (Gets zapped.) **

**Celticskyedancer: Or I'll tell that Lady Hand…**

**MH: She has absolutely nothing to do with this.**

**Celticskyedancer: Oh, and…**

**MH: Nothing at all; now go. Roy, go see Mewtwo. We've got a surprise for you.**

**Roy: Goodie!**

Part Twenty-Four: Luigi

Roy: Now tell me again why I have to wear a shock collar.

MH: To keep you in line.

Roy: I'm not a dog. No offense to Link or Fox.

Fox: None taken. I'm a fox, not a dog.

Link: And technically I'm a wolf.

MH: (To Roy) You only answer to pain so I'm going to use pain to keep you on track.

Roy: The stumbling off track isn't always my fault.

MH: Yes, but you're the host. It's your job to bring an off-topic show back on topic.

Roy: But now everyone will try to get me off-topic just to shock me.

CF: Oh come now. We would never do that.

Roy: Yes, you would! Especially Samus…speaking of which – where is she?

Pikachu: Ridley was terrorizing a section of her galaxy so she got called out to rescue it.

Roy: You mean she's gone? Yes! Ow. (Glares at Master Hand) What?

MH: Introduce the next character.

Roy: I don't think we've ever started a chapter by introducing the character. Ow. Okay fine. Ow. Introducing the green plumber extraordinaire, Linguini. Ow! What? The cue card says Linguini.

MH: You know who he is.

Roy: Here comes Luigi.

Mario: Why didn't we put a shock collar on him earlier?

MH: It took us this long for Mewtwo to make sure that we wouldn't end up in a lawsuit for this.

Mario: It took you this long to read a contract?

Mewtwo: I had to check the fine print, and the fine print within the fine print, and the fine print within the fine print of the fine print.

Mario: Why?

MH: Because some people – Peach and Zelda – have very good lawyers just because they're royalty, and since Roy is nobility…

Mario: Just wait until Peach and I get married.

Mewtwo: I feel sorry for you.

(Green lights fill the stadium and Luigi is seen falling from the ceiling in a tornado-like fashion, green fire engulfing him. He lands and makes a peace sign to the audience.)

Roy: Hey Luigi, are you still a giant coward? Ow. (Turns to Master Hand and Mario.) What? I was interviewing him.

Mario: Be nice.

Roy: Fine. So Luigi, how are things in the Mushroom Kingdom?

Luigi: Pretty peaceful actually. Bowser hasn't attacked in a while.

Mario: Be on the lookout for something that involves explosives, Sonic, and Shadow.

Luigi: Why would Sonic help Bowser?

Mario: I hate him; he hates me. I'd help Eggman to get revenge on Sonic.

Luigi: Speaking of which, where is Sonic?

MH: Off fighting the Super Saiyans. Roy, this will be your last verbal warning. Interview.

Roy: Okay, okay. Sheesh. So Luigi, what do you do in the plot thingy?

Luigi: Plot thingy?

Mario: He means the Subspace Emissary.

Luigi: Oh. Well I kinda get turned into a statue right away, but when Tabuu turns the rest of the smashers into statues, Ness, Dedede, and I team up to save the day.

Roy: Ness got turned into a statue early on? And he says I suck. Ow.

Ness: I took a bullet for Lucas because he's such a wussy.

Lucas: But then I get brave and save the Pokémon Trainer.

Ness: But you're still in my debt.

Roy: Ow. Okay, okay. This thing hurts.

MH: It's suppose to.

Roy: *sigh* Fine. Hey, Luigi, are you still dating that Dandelion girl?

Luigi: Dande…it's Daisy!

Roy: Well, Daisy, Dandelion, same thing.

Luigi: No they're not the same thing.

Roy: They're both flowers. Ow.

Mewtwo: Actually dandelions are weeds.

Roy: Fine, but they both have yellow petals. Ow!

DK: Actually daisies are white.

Roy: Well you know – OW! Okay! Hey Luigi, who's your favorite newb?

Luigi: Probably R.O.B.

Roy: Why?

Luigi: He's quite the party animal actually.

Mario: And he can work wonders with technology.

Roy: …like?

Luigi: He turned a toaster into a machine gun…a paintball machine gun not a lethal one.

Roy: Oh cool. Can he hijack ships?

Marth: Don't even think about it.

Roy: I'm not getting any ideas.

Marth: Yes, you are. I know you, Roy. Ships are your weakness. Well, and Lilina, but that's different.

Roy: Ships are not…ow. Right, interview. Who's your least favorite newbie?

Luigi: Waluigi.

Mario: Technically he's an assist trophy not a newbie.

Luigi: I still don't like him.

Roy: Well, who's your least favorite playable character?

Luigi: (with a vengeance) Wolf.

Fox: Are you still mad at him for the "Hang You By Your Underwear on a Tree?" gag?

Luigi: It wasn't a gag. It was humiliating.

Roy: He hung you…(dies laughing). Ha, ha, ha…ow. That's funny…ow. Ha, ha…ow! I should've…ow…seen…it…Ow!...ha…OW! Okay, Master Hand, I get it.

MH: Then interview him.

Roy: Okay, fine, I will.

MH: Fine.

Roy: Good.

MH: Good.

Roy: Fine.

MH: GET ON WITH THE INTERVIEW!

Roy: (meekly) Yes sir. What's your favorite new item?

Luigi: Definitely the Final Smash ball.

Yoshi: Dude, yours is just weird.

Roy: What is your Final Smash?

Everyone: No don't!

(Luigi dances around the stage as the sixties drug fest begins. Roy groggily regains his senses.)

Roy: What was that?

Pkachu: Three words: "Sixties Drug Fest."

Luigi: My Final Smash is not a sixties drug fest.

All: Yes, it is.

Roy: Well that's lame. Ow. (Glares at Mario).

Mario: Be nice.

Roy: Why don't you be nice? Ow. Stop shocking me!

MH: Get your job done, and we will.

Roy: I do not deserve this. Ow.

MH: Yes, you do.

Roy: No…ow…I…ow…don't. Ow! Okay! So Luigi, who would you add?

Luigi: Daisy.

Peach: Technically she fills in for me every so often.

Luigi: Well…true, but she never sticks around for very long.

Roy: Would you add Lilina?

Luigi: Who's Lilina?

Roy: My girlfriend. Ow.

Luigi: Oh…the one people made jokes about?

Lilina: (very angry) Is that how everyone remembers me?

Luigi: Well Marth's fiancée is known as "that girl who may or may not exist who might prove Marth isn't gay, but is probably just a good cover."

Roy: What about Ike's girl? Ow.

Luigi: She's known as "that girl Ike has no chance with."

Ike: I have a chance!

Marth: Have you played Radiant Dawn? Your only two endings are with Soren and Ranulf – who are both guys. That proves you're gay, and I'm not. At least I end up with Sheeda.

Ike: First off – those ending are bull*bleep*. Secondly, just because I have an ending with them does not imply that it's a romantic ending.

Marth: Right.

Ike: Oh that's it. You're going down, pretty boy. (Begins to beat up Marth).

YL: (to Sheeda) You're not going to throw a javelin or brick at Ike?

Sheeda: Marth kinda had this one coming to him.

Roy: Yes, he…ow. Okay fine Master, I get the picture. Interview, blah, blah…ow!

MH: Stop being a smart-aleck and actually do your job.

Mewtwo: Amazing. Even with a shock collar on, he doesn't do his job.

MH: Well t least he's no longer getting bash-

Metwo: Do not finish that statement or it will come back and haunt us.

MH: You're probably right.

Mewtwo: I usually am.

Roy: Ow, ow, ow. So Luigi, do…

(Goku and Vegeta reappear holding something behind their backs).

Goku: Well we found out that they weren't Super Saiyans.

Roy: And why is that?

Vegeta: They don't get halos over their heads when they die. (The two drop Sonic and Shadow onto the stage. Both are bloodied and bruised.)

Amy: You did what!

Goku: Relax. We brought them back to life with the dragonballs, but they have a lot of recovering to do.

Roy: Man I *ow* feel sorry for *ow* you guys *ow.* Okay. Ow. I know. Ow. Interview. Ow. I got it! Ow. Stop it! Ow!

Mario: Obviously you don't get it.

Roy: Shut up, Pepperoni.

Mario: What?

Roy: I created code names for you and Luigi. Ow. One sec. Luigi's zucchini because he is tall and green, and you're pepperoni because you're short, red, and round.

Samus: And because pepperoni is full of fat. (Gets hit with a water balloon).

Peach: He is not fat. He is handsomely plump.

(Samus sprays her with a little squirt gun).

Peach: You ruined my hair.

Samus: Whatcha gonna do about it?

Peach: This. (Pulls out a bigger squirt gun.)

Samus: (Pulls out a fire hose).

Peach: Oh dear. (Gets blasted backstage.)

Mario: Hey! You can't do that to her! (Attacks Samus).

Roy: Ow. Hey guys…*ow*. Could you – I don't know – stop. Ow. (Whining) Master Hand, they won't listen to me.

MH: Well then break up the fight.

Zelda: We saw how that one worked out when he broke up the Mario vs. Kirby fight.

Roy: For the show! (Charges into the middle of their fight. He is rendered unconscious in only seconds.)

MH: Probably not my brightest idea.

Mewtwo: No, probably not.

MH: So…what now?

Mewtwo: Well, either Young Link, Dr. Mario, or I finish Luigi's interview, we find a way to revive Roy – I suggest Phoenix Downs…or chocolate – or we just let everyone watch Mario and Samus' fight instead. In my humble opinion, the fight is much more interesting than Luigi's interview will ever be.

MH: But these people paid to see an interview not a brawl.

Audience: Fight, fight, fight…

MH: Okay, let them watch the fight. What the hell do I care? I get paid by the minute anyways. Let's just drag this on as long as possible.

Roy: (Jerks awake) The show must go on! Hey Pepperoni, stop fighting Samus so I can interview Zucchini.

Mario: (stops mid-fight) Oh Zucchini, why don't we show Roy a piece of our zesty Italian fighting style?

Peach: (embarrassed) Oh, he did not just say that.

Luigi: Yes, let's Mario. (They proceed to pulverize Roy.)

MH: This is because I opened by my big, fat, nonexistent mouth earlier, isn't it?

Mewtwo: Most likely.

MH: *sigh* Just go to a commercial break. Now.

_A/N: Well that's it for this chapter. Sorry this is so late. I got swamped by all your requests, but this still took way too long to get out. I hope everyone enjoyed their author cameo who had one. I think I've included everyone who asked, but if I forgot you I am so sorry. Let me know, and I'll fit you in somehow. (Only if I forgot you.) I'll throw at least two more in later (not next chapter) before this is finished. Thanks for reading this chapter. Next up is Meta Knight._


	25. Meta Knight

_A/N: First off, I apologize for how ridiculously long this has taken for an update. I know some of you have bugged me about this, and I am deeply sorry. I never intended for almost a year to pass. However, I started college and my schedule just got out of control. Unfortunately there is this thing called the real world that likes to get in the way of things. Also, I have not been as interested in fanfiction recently as I have been trying to work on my own original short stories and novels as I do hope to become published some day. So I would really appreciate it if you did not bug me for updates. I can make no promises or guarantees about when I will update in the future. I have no intention of letting this story die, but I do have other things going on in my life. I hope you can all understand._

_For those of you who sent me OCs to include in the future, I have not forgotten about you. I know that this must be disappointing to you, but I will still dedicate a chapter to your OC. I still have your messages saved, and I do have places for several of them. I'm sorry that you'll have to wait a while, but I will put your OC in here eventually._

_Last time Roy interviewed Luigi and was outfitted with a shock collar in the hopes that it would help him stay focused and do his job better. (It wasn't _that_ effective.) Samus once again insulted Mario, starting a water fight between her and Peach, which ended up with Peach getting blasted backstage by a water hose. Mario started a fight with Samus which Roy attempted to stop by charging in the middle, resulting in his loss of consciousness. He reawakened shortly after, insulting both Mario and Luigi who teamed up on him._

**Peach: Zesty Italian fighting style?**

**Mario: I thought it fit the moment.**

**Peach: What on earth possessed you to make such an embarrassing, cheesy statement?**

**Mario: Again, I got carried away by the moment. I apologize for embarrassing you.**

**Peach: It's okay; you just normally aren't that cheesy.**

**Luigi: I thought it was highly clever.**

**DK: No, it was definitely cheesy.**

**Yoshi: I'm with Peach on this one.**

**Bowser: Well I got a good laugh out of it.**

**Peach: You mean laugh **_**at**_** it.**

**Bowser: Your point being?**

**Peach: Never mind.**

**Ike: I really don't see why Mist has to bother curing Roy. I'm sure he'll be fine in a moment.**

**MH: This is definitely not an injury that Roy will just bounce back from.**

**Marth: He got trampled by a stampede of bulls in Spain and was completely fine only minutes later.**

**Ike: See.**

**MH: Mist, just take care of it.**

**Mist: Okay.**

**Ike: This is exploiting my sister's healing abilities.**

**MH: How?**

**Ike: For one thing, you're not paying her.**

**MH: Um…yes we are.**

**Ike: Well why didn't you say so in the first place?**

**MH: It didn't concern you; it's her money, not yours.**

**Ike: (shrugs). Okay, Mist. You can go on.**

Part Twenty-Five: Meta Knight

Roy: My spleen. Oh the agony, the inhumanity.

Mist: What's wrong? I just healed him.

Mewtwo: Oh he's just being melodramatic. As usual. Enough with the histrionics.

Roy: Ugh. It's that word again. I hate history.

Mewtwo: Histrionics is related to acting and drama.

Roy: Oh. So you're basically saying I'm making way too big a deal of it.

Mewtwo: (surprised) Yes, yes I am.

Roy: I learned a new word! Ow.

(Everyone groans).

Marth: I feel sorry for you, histrionics. I hope you have a good few last hours.

Roy: I will not *ow* kill it. Ow. Introducing Nintendo's version of the Dark Knight, Meta Knight!

(Darkness engulfs the audience; a figure flies back and forth above the audience. As the lights come back on the phrase "Meta Knight was here" is engraved on the curtain overhead.)

Ike: Go Meta Knight!

Marth: It wasn't that much of an entrance.

MK: I wasn't trying too hard. I just want to get this over with. Besides, it was better than yours.

Roy: So you must be Meta Knight. Kirby talked about you a lot during Melee.

MK: …and you are?

Roy: The famous Roy of Pherae, but surely Kirby has mentioned me.

MK: Never heard of you.

Roy: (to Kirby) You never mentioned me? Ow.

Kirby: Meta Knight didn't care about my Smash Bros. Story until he joined Brawl. I figured you'd be coming back, so I was going to introduce you, but you go dropped.

Roy: Well I guess it's not a big deal. Ow.

MK: Why are you wearing a shock collar?

Roy: Master Hand thinks it will keep me on track, but it's really just an elaborate excuse for the others to cause me physical pain.

MH: Roy's actually right about something.

CF: Again, we would never do that.

Roy: Yes, you all would. You all had a motive. Ike wants me dead or at least seriously wounded so that I will no longer be a threat to his Brawl status. Samus wants to enact her revenge on me for crashing her ship three times even though she has already sent me to the ER three times. And Young Link wants me gone so he can have my job to make more money to pay for his long lost twin's operation. Of course, he didn't count on me figuring out that his twin is really an evil twin—Shadow Link—and that he's really using the money to bail his twin out of jail so that the two can conquer Hyrule.

YL: (Stands and points his slingshot at Roy). So you've got it all figured out, eh?

Roy: Put that thing down, Young Link. Ow. You and I both know you don't have the guts to actually use it. Ow!

YL: (releases the nut in his slingshot; it bounces harmless off Roy). I'm just kidding Roy; I have no clue what you're talking about.

Marth: Roy, that made absolutely no sense.

Zelda: If you think about it, some of that stuff actually did make sense.

Marth: Don't encourage him.

MK: Are you always this random?

Roy: I'm the one asking questions around here. Ow. But yes. Ow! So Meta Knight, do you like Brawl?

MK: It's…entertaining.

Roy: What about it is entertaining?

MK: Well, Diddy Kong destroyed most of the Mansion in a drunken stupor; Snake is constantly breaking the rules prohibiting smoking and drinking. Samus blows up anything that touches her ship. I can sympathize (glares at Pit). Ness know WAY too much for a ten-year-old. Kirby eats any and everything including us. The Ice Climbers team up with Sheik to try and unmask me…actually that's not entertaining; it's just annoying.

Roy: Who's your favorite veteran?

MK: If I say Kirby will he hug me?

Roy: Probably.

MK: Then Samus.

Roy: Why?

MK: She's tough, and she understands what it's like having your ship crashed by two juvenile delinquents.

Pit: Okay, I know I crashed your ship, but is that any reason to loathe me?

MK: It's a perfectly good reason to hate you. But face it, angel boy, you and I are polar opposites.

Pit: You're just sore because I beat you last time.

MK: I am not a sore loser. You've done plenty of other things to irk me.

Pit: You started the prank war! It's not my fault that you're losing. You even have Kirby's help, and you still suck.

Kirby: …hey!

Roy: Ow. Uh guys…ow!

MK: Sit down, angel boy.

Pit: Make me, batty.

MK: Don't make me use my sword.

Pit: My bow trumps your sword.

MK: My powers of darkness trump your bow.

Pit: Palutena's army trumps your powers of darkness.

MK: My Captain N comics trump Palutena's army.

(Dead silence fills the studio. Pit's eyes widen in shock and fear. He sits down quickly.)

Samus: (In a terse voice). Where the *bleep* did you get those comics?

MK: I know a guy—runs the black market. A mouse with a keyblade.

Roy: Ow, ow, ow! What are Captain N comics? (Braced for a shock, but it never comes).

MH: Well it is a question.

MK: (shrugs) Some comic series Nintendo made back in the '80s. They were pretty lame.

Roy: How come I didn't know about it.

Marth: You didn't even know your native tongue. (Note: see Chapter 1).

MK: Captain N was before your time.

Roy: What are they about?

MK: I don't know; I never actually read them.

Roy: What? Then why do you have them?

MK: Give them ten more years, and they'll be worth a lot of money.

Roy: But what was that about using them against Pit?

MK: Long story.

Roy: Now you've got me curious. I want to know.

MK: I'm not telling you.

Roy: Come on.

MK: No.

Roy: But.

MK: No.

Roy: Come On.

MK: No.

Roy: Please?

MK: No. No, no, no, no, no, NO!

Roy: What if I…ow!

MH: If Meta Knight's not going t tell you then you're not getting it out of him. Ask another question.

Roy: No. Ow, ow, ow! Okay, okay, okay. So Meta Knight, how would you like to join the Dark Side with me?

MK: Well, I do like the Dark Side…

Marth: You aren't the Dark Side!

Roy: But I won it when I beat Pit since he's on your side.

Ike: But then Mario beat you up.

Roy: Yes, but Mario's on my side. So my team is the Dark Side.

Marth and Ike: (Both draw their weapons) Then we'll have to fix that.

Roy: Shadow, a little help here.

Amy: He's still out from his fight with the Super Saiyans.

Roy: …crud. (Draws the Sword of Seals) Bring it on histrionic freaks.

Mewtwo: If you learn a new word, know when to use it.

(Needless to say, Marth and Ike wipe the floor with Roy).

Marth: Looks like we're the Dark Side again.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: What's wrong with the Light Side?

Mewtwo: Nothing personal, Obi-Wan, it's just that I'm an official member of the Dark Side so my team has to be the Dark Side.

Obi-Wan: They have an official Dark Side now?

Mewtwo: (shows him his business card).

Obi-Wan: They have business cards _and_ cookies? No wonder Anakin turned evil.

Mewtwo: We also own Vegas.

Obi-Wan: I have to find a way to make the Light Side more appealing then.

Roy: You will rue the day when you stole the Dark Side from me. Ow.

MH: And you will rue this day if you don't interview Meta Knight.

Roy: Ow. Okay, okay. Ow. Sheesh. Ow.

MH: Enough with the back talk.

Roy: Hey, I will back sass all I want.

Ike: Roy—first off—guys don't back sass. They back-talk. Guys don't sass anything. Well, except for Marth, but…

Marth: Excuse me?

Roy: Uh guys…ow.

Ike: Well, since you're 99.9% female, you're allowed to back sass.

Marth: (Points Falchion at Ike). Do you want to take this outside?

Ike: Yes, let's.

Roy: Ow. Hey guys. Ow. You're really being quite a distraction. Ow. Master Hand…

MH: Find some way to stop them. AND NOT BY RECKLESSLY RUNNING INTO THE MIDDLE OF THEIR FIGHT.

Roy: Then I got nothing. Ow.

MH: Then just send them out of the studio.

Roy: Oh yeah. Why didn't I think of that?

MH: Because you're an idiot.

Roy: Yes I am—hey wait. OW! Yo, Marth and Ike—take your fight outside.

Ike: What if I don't want to?

Roy: I knew it! You all want me to get shocked.

Fox: No we don't.

Roy: Yes, you all have a motive. Pit wants me gone so he'll be Prank King since his one little "prank" is hardly enough to claim the role of Prank King. Kirby wants me dead so he can assume leadership of the Dark Side and my Prank Empire. And Falco needs to get rid of me so there will be no witnesses who saw him key all of Captain Falcon's cars.

Falco: What! You little punk; you promised you'd keep that a secret.

CF: You did what? I beat Pichu up for that! You keyed my cars? My beautiful, antique, collectible cars?

Falco: Get a life. They're just cars.

CF: What if I keyed your Arwing?

Falco: (In a dangerously low voice). You wouldn't dare.

Roy: Ow, ow, ow, ow. You might want to stop fighting.

CF: (Ignoring Roy). You dare threaten me? (Dark, ominous smoke fills the room and lightning flashes in the background.) I am Death. I decide who lives and who dies.

MK: Since when have you been Death?

CF: After I got kicked out of heaven and hell…

MK: Is that even possible?

CF: I ran into the Grim Reaper who decided to quit. So I'm taking over while they're looking for a new guy.

Roy: Who's "they"?

CF: You know, I don't know. They didn't tell me who they were. They just let me be Death for a while.

Roy: Hey Meta Knight, what's your favorite item.

MK: Either beam swords or smart bombs.

Falco: Smart bombs rock!

Samus: Smart bombs suck.

MK: You just don't like them because that one match with Snake you landed…

Samus: Can it before I shoot you.

Roy: Landed where? (Samus shoots at him).

MH: Samus…

Samus: I didn't shoot him; I shot near him.

Zelda: She's got you there.

MH: Oh go take care of your sulking husband.

Roy: And why is Link sulking?

Zelda: Because Master Hand turned him back into a doggie.

MH: He knows not to talk smack with me.

Zelda: Well Tabuu did pwn you.

MH: You're just lucky because you have a good lawyer and you're pregnant.

Zelda: You're just mad because you can never do anything to me.

MH: One of these days one of these days.

YL: But not in the next nine months.

MH: It's like what, seven and a half now?

Zelda: I guess.

MH: (to Link). Oh stop being such a big, whiny, doggie baby.

(Link sulks even more).

MH: Fine. Have it your way. Roy!

Roy: Yes?

MH: Get on with your interview with Meta Knight.

Roy: Yes sir. So Meta Knight…

MK: (Digging through his cape. It's a portal to another dimension after all). All right. Where are they?

Kirby: Where's what?

MK: The keys to my Halberd. Who took them?

CF: Why would we steal the keys to your Halberd?

Roy: How do you store the keys to your ship in your cape anyway?

MK: My cape is a portal to another dimension.

Roy: …That is awesome!

MK: And as for why you'd steal my keys—you all have a motive. You all know that I keep my secret stash of you-know-what on that ship. Marth and Ike want to sell this stuff for a load of cash. Master Hand wants to give them to Crazy to keep him quiet, but he didn't count on me finding out that Crazy hates these things so you really just wanted the money for himself.

MH: So you've got it all figured out, eh?

Roy: Got what figured out? Ow! Serious, what are you all talking about? What does Meta Knight have on his ship that's so important?

Kirby: Baseball cards.

Roy: …that's it? Baseball cards? You're making a big deal out of baseball cards?

MK: These aren't just any baseball cards. These are antique baseball cards worth a ton of cash on the Black Market.

Kirby: Dude, you get the coolest stuff from the Black Market. Who's your contact?

MK: Well I get my stuff from a mouse with a keyblade, but I think he gets his stuff from a chao.

Sonic: A mouse? As in a talking mouse?

MK: You're a talking blue hedgehog!

Sonic: Yeah, well hedgehogs pwn mice.

MK: Anyways, who took me keys?

MH: It's not a big deal.

MK: Oh yes it is. You're one of my prime suspects. I know you want that money.

Link: Uh hey guys…

MH: Looks like the big doggie baby finally decided to talk. And no, Meta Knight, I didn't take your keys. Even if I did want the cash.

Link: Guys…

MK: Quiet Link, we're trying to figure out something between me and Master Hand.

MH: It's not "me and." Just ask Roy. (Looks around). Where is Roy?

Link: That's what I've been trying to tell you. Roy just walked outside with Meta Knight's keys, and if you don't stop him…(Large crash is heard outside). Yeah that.

MK: My ship! (Runs outside).

MH: Roy, when you get back in here, I'm going fry your *bleep* so hard you won't be able to *bleep* sit for a *bleep* week.

Mewtwo: Okay, now that's harsh.

MH: Not necessarily. Depends on your perspective. Besides, when you consider half the stuff that Roy's done.

Mewtwo: It's still harsh.

MH: Oh he deserves it even if it is harsh.

YL: Be back after these commercial massages.

Mewtwo: It's messages.

YL: That's what I said.

Mewtwo: No, you said…Oh never mind.

_A/N: That's it for this chapter. Please feel free to review. Next up is Jigglypuff._


End file.
